I think that the most horrible thing about the abuse going on in my home is the secrecy. I had tried to talk to people, but they were people
who could not understand or I made them uncomfortable or they did not want to hear yet another sad story so they tuned me out, dismissed
me as 'troubled' and went on. Some referred me to counseling with video chats--not helpful since I am already so isolated and need contact
with another human being. Sometimes I just need a listening heart to hear or common sense suggestions. In the heat of the vile language
and accusations made to me in the course of a day, hearing good words is important for me. It's all verbal abuse. And returning the words at
him is not helpful for either of us.
My heart went out to the woman who was thinking of suicide because her 'husband treats her like dirt.' Her heart is breaking, her worth is being
chipped at methodically by someone who has no self control over his own emotions--he likes to make her feel less so that he can feel worth more.
'I am worth more than she is' 'My pain is greater than hers, what a selfish ----' 'You have ruined my life and the life of our pets !" These are the very
light things he throws at me. I cannot even type on here the other things he says, you'll just have to imagine the worst.
Since I do not come from a background where alcohol is used that changes a person's temperament, I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. His
doctor put his off for 4 months for an appointment for his pain. There are a shortage of doctors in various levels here. It's just sad.
Additionally his pain is traumatic nerve pain from breaking his back from a second story fall on the job as a paramedic. His pain is real, and so is
mine.
"Don't take it so personally," he will taunt. When something is aimed right at my heart, my head, and my very Christianity and spirituality,
sometimes that is hard for me to do. 'You're not a Christian!' He says. 'I don't need a sermon!' He will taunt. 'Come on church lady!'
That's a soft day for me.
Another factor in this situation is the health care system here. He needs a rheumatologist care and they put his appointment about 3 or 4 months away.
It's just now coming up soon hopefully in a few days. It's Nov. 21st right now. This man has such acute nerve pain his body feels like its on fire. He can't
stand certain types of clothing to touch his body. I pray for him constantly, but because his verbal onslaught towards me is so intense, it is raising my
blood sugar levels. My A1C blood level reports jumped from a 6.7 to an 8.3. Not good. Stress causes me to dump sugar into my blood stream. Though
I have explained this to him (and he is a former paramedic) he says I am exaggerating and calls me intensely selfish. Believe me I see the variance in our
different situations, the catch-22, but my soul is shattering under this load.
I almost did not know what to tell this woman who said she felt like her only alternative was suicide. For me, I know suicide is wrong. So I told her to talk
to God about how she feels; to ask him for the comforts she wants. I reminded her that sometimes when we are hurting emotionally we really begin to
believe that God does not listen to us. Yet the Bible tells us that he hears all.
Right now Father. I hope you read this on this backlit screen and see what I have written for what it is. It is a petition for mercy in my pain and hers. It is a
petition for a fallen paramedic who responded to a call and received a bullet in his abdomen and fell 2 stories onto his back. Father he did not deserve
this. It was his life, his work. He helped people and delivered 5 babies and these injuries: 4 back surgeries, broken leg with metal inserts, multiple leg surgeries,
head trauma, nerve damage, and now fibromyalgia nerve pain. I see these things
Father. I haven't overlooked a single fact.
Please Father, find someone that can help me or help us. He called his doctor and they can't get him in sooner. I too, feel so alone and scared and as though
I do not have a friend in the world. I'm living in a place where I did not grow up. No one knows me and every one is so scared because the world is spinning
off its axis lately, it seems. People are afraid of others they do not understand. People in different situations, life circumstances.
Please help me to help someone else in my situation one day Father. This hurtful stuff in my life, can it be used for good? If so, please use me to help somebody.
who could not understand or I made them uncomfortable or they did not want to hear yet another sad story so they tuned me out, dismissed
me as 'troubled' and went on. Some referred me to counseling with video chats--not helpful since I am already so isolated and need contact
with another human being. Sometimes I just need a listening heart to hear or common sense suggestions. In the heat of the vile language
and accusations made to me in the course of a day, hearing good words is important for me. It's all verbal abuse. And returning the words at
him is not helpful for either of us.
My heart went out to the woman who was thinking of suicide because her 'husband treats her like dirt.' Her heart is breaking, her worth is being
chipped at methodically by someone who has no self control over his own emotions--he likes to make her feel less so that he can feel worth more.
'I am worth more than she is' 'My pain is greater than hers, what a selfish ----' 'You have ruined my life and the life of our pets !" These are the very
light things he throws at me. I cannot even type on here the other things he says, you'll just have to imagine the worst.
Since I do not come from a background where alcohol is used that changes a person's temperament, I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. His
doctor put his off for 4 months for an appointment for his pain. There are a shortage of doctors in various levels here. It's just sad.
Additionally his pain is traumatic nerve pain from breaking his back from a second story fall on the job as a paramedic. His pain is real, and so is
mine.
"Don't take it so personally," he will taunt. When something is aimed right at my heart, my head, and my very Christianity and spirituality,
sometimes that is hard for me to do. 'You're not a Christian!' He says. 'I don't need a sermon!' He will taunt. 'Come on church lady!'
That's a soft day for me.
Another factor in this situation is the health care system here. He needs a rheumatologist care and they put his appointment about 3 or 4 months away.
It's just now coming up soon hopefully in a few days. It's Nov. 21st right now. This man has such acute nerve pain his body feels like its on fire. He can't
stand certain types of clothing to touch his body. I pray for him constantly, but because his verbal onslaught towards me is so intense, it is raising my
blood sugar levels. My A1C blood level reports jumped from a 6.7 to an 8.3. Not good. Stress causes me to dump sugar into my blood stream. Though
I have explained this to him (and he is a former paramedic) he says I am exaggerating and calls me intensely selfish. Believe me I see the variance in our
different situations, the catch-22, but my soul is shattering under this load.
I almost did not know what to tell this woman who said she felt like her only alternative was suicide. For me, I know suicide is wrong. So I told her to talk
to God about how she feels; to ask him for the comforts she wants. I reminded her that sometimes when we are hurting emotionally we really begin to
believe that God does not listen to us. Yet the Bible tells us that he hears all.
Right now Father. I hope you read this on this backlit screen and see what I have written for what it is. It is a petition for mercy in my pain and hers. It is a
petition for a fallen paramedic who responded to a call and received a bullet in his abdomen and fell 2 stories onto his back. Father he did not deserve
this. It was his life, his work. He helped people and delivered 5 babies and these injuries: 4 back surgeries, broken leg with metal inserts, multiple leg surgeries,
head trauma, nerve damage, and now fibromyalgia nerve pain. I see these things
Father. I haven't overlooked a single fact.
Please Father, find someone that can help me or help us. He called his doctor and they can't get him in sooner. I too, feel so alone and scared and as though
I do not have a friend in the world. I'm living in a place where I did not grow up. No one knows me and every one is so scared because the world is spinning
off its axis lately, it seems. People are afraid of others they do not understand. People in different situations, life circumstances.
Please help me to help someone else in my situation one day Father. This hurtful stuff in my life, can it be used for good? If so, please use me to help somebody.
