The Purpose Of Worship- Seasons

Church. Was great. It wasn't exactly a revival and I wasn't like sobbing on the floor. Which would have been great. I wouldn't say it was average. I make it hard for myself to have those kinds of experiences when I only go once every 2 or 3 months. The whole thing I am trying to change though with this blog and routine. It was all eye-opening and shockingly the part that changes the least for me helped the most today. Worship is something we actually tried to be late on purpose for when looking for a new church. Me and my husband almost found it awkward because some churches worship differently. I grew up singing hymnals with my grandparents. My husband likes big churches, big worship services played by a band I think. The choir is neat too. The variety isn't so much for entertainment but it definitely changes the environment and worship. One isn't better or worse than the other but some make it harder to get into. I used to think it was strange to have a band play and a crowd at the pews like it was some sort of concert. For entertainment. Really awkward with the hymnals and we all just stood and sang in monotone unison. That really wasn't worship and now that I look back not to be rude it's kind of a lazy way of worship. Though they are all different. My Pawpaw loved the old rugged cross hymnal. I think it meant a lot to him and he just thought of carrying the old rugged cross till his journey was over. I remember standing between him and my granny, or surrounded in the choir by old ladies as I sat with my granny. They all sounded awful. High-pitched voices. But that was their way of worship. It meant something between them and God. And as I have gotten older and had great worship experiences at a Pentecostal church I used to go to I see how important and dire the need for worship is. That church wasn't for me even though I miss it so much, but I learned so much, and worship was one of them. The place taught me so much and it was a great place to learn. Some call their way fanatical. In a way it was. Extreme. Another level I suppose. But even though the people wouldn't watch TV or wear pants they pretty much had no distractions. And that really created a great environment and miracles happened. Especially in worship. We had to move to the town we are in now a few hundred miles away. My husband always felt awkward there I could tell. It wasn't for us I suppose and I don't think my husband desired a Pentecostal church. I didn't really either we just ended up there. And for that I am grateful. Back to worship this morning. Going once a month doesn't really build up a routine for me during worship. Each time we go some were different the mood and environment is different. I've come to learn that when you grow that personal relationship with God and use it as a tool for your relationship it becomes a personal process between you and Him. I've heard many newcomers describe it as liberating. It is for me every time. But the lack of structure I've made for myself doesn't allow much of that personal relationship to grow; asides from ignorantly ignoring God 3/4th of the year. As I said in my last blog while making myself be surrounded with the right influences they aren't appealing to me right now because I really just have selfishly not devoted myself to God lately and am full of evil. Each time I try the devil convinces me "I don't like this song.. it's corny worship music" But I know in my heart if I get past that urge and keep listening each day God will speak to me. He did today. I am so tired of disappointing him and myself though. Each time I make this change I literally forget during the day and that day turns into a week and months and the rest of the year. I know he forgives always, I am tired of being disappointed in myself. Satan making me excuses again. THIS TIME was different in worship. We thought we'd be late but right on time. We thought cause we'd be late we'd just miss the "music" I was just going through the paces at first. It was one of those worship services that a band played. The music was beautiful but I don't know why I think I deserve a preference for worship. I'm sure I don't even need music. Or a church. The church is big. Hundreds of people. I think what brought me into God's presence was well first I am sure the prayer that a lot of people made so it would happen.. I am sure they do that before service. Maybe. That and The presence you could just feel. I remember at times knowing it was probably there but I kept the barrier up and watched others bask in the glory of God's presence when he was invited there. I've always seen this time as just music before church since I was little. Growing up realizing from an outward (critical) perspective- This is a religion- This is worshiping God _my God- the only God of course- and then I have a mental picture of barbarians worshiping their Gods around a fire or something- not that that's what we should do at all. Funny picture. But it makes me think well I mean all these other people that call on their Gods come up with these chants or dances or callings or pretty much just beg their God to come there or hear them. THEY DON'T JUST ACCOMPLISH THAT BY STANDING THERE LIKE I AM EXPECTING EVERYONE ELSE TO DO IT THEN THE PREACHER SPEAKS and we leave. It's not for routine purposes. "I can't do much for you Joanna if you don't want me there.. You invite me and I will always be there with you. You will continue with me watching out for you until then. Not aside you in the evil until then." Then my heart's doors opened and I remember the music became so beautiful. I couldn't sing the words without tearing because I was finally singing them TO GOD. I wanted him to hear me so badly because I needed him. The purpose of worship made sense and I began to let God in and just do as I felt. I still just solemly swayed closed my eyes and sang to him. I have spoken in tongues before I have jumped up and down put my hands in the air and surrendered. This morning just standing there and singing to him felt right and felt personal with him. Ricky sits down and puts his head on the pew in front of him usually. I don't know if he's praying, singing, worshiping or if his bad knees just hurt from standing awhile. He holds my hand and the music that usually I cannot wait to be over with and I usually think drags on becomes a peaceful tune. Worship definitely did something. It's fulfilled me and opened that door to let God in. I realize I am becoming one of those cynical people. Building up walls. It always sounded cliche to me. That type of person. Well aren't we all eventually that way I'd think. Tired of being hurt. Happens to us all. But lately I have been incredibly lonely. Sometimes depressed. Never can find a friend here away from home. Telling myself I'd rather be alone or go back to the ones with bad influences. Some using me for being too nice or just not wanting to be friends cause they don't know me and already have some. The message about God's calling (typical message I thought when it began but not at all) made me realize a lot about that. All my notes on my Bible app on my phone got erased. So sad. They were good ones. If God told Moses all the things he'd have to do at the Bush (Get through the dead sea live in the desert for years with people complaining about his horrible leadership feed tons of people be the one responsible in their eyes cause it was all his idea) would he have done it. He said at the beginning it wasn't a job for him and he didn't know what to do "What do I do What do I tell them what do I say.. " I am with you" "I Will be all those things you cannot be Moses.. just do it and trust when those times arise" Would he have done it if he revealed the entire plan to him at once. Well God would make him either way if he had to but would the outcome be the same? Would mine? If I could see the reason for all this loss, pain, confusion and loneliness right now would I still go through the process to achieve his calling? It's best I go through these seasons and realize that when the waiting for the purpose gets hard let him substitute for me. The pastor spoke about being a waiter at Olive Garden taught him to be a disciple always waiting for the right timing. All the things out of your control your waiting on and must be ready the instance it all is done to complete the task and deliver and God is seeking those types of disciples. I have to get through the seasons and be prepared to get to the purpose I may not know what it is right now. Well I cannot recall it anyway. So. I realize to do that I must find a church a home stability and good influences to keep the routine going. My focus for the moment. I thought I'd just have to keep doing that till something happened. I have to make a structure. A temple for God. A home..I have to find a place for my family.. my husband and I to begin this journey. And it's important. The past year we tried. Just mindlessly. Knowing it was important but not by the big picture then gave up and continued with routine of life. God's been showing me lately drawing me to him. These sweet ladies prayed peace over me and to meet the people I need to and to hear his voice. I looked bewildered in the place after my husband had to leave for work. It was necessary. So I continue the goal. These blogs help so much. I don't plan what to type. I just type what I feel. I look forward to getting here and doing it and devoting it to my routine. I find the answers to my own questions in it and love to share it but it's a tool for me to and I'm so thankful it's here for me. And for all those who are here for me. This family I may not even know of yet. Praying this day needs to be as great as the one before to keep the routine going and just because something goes wrong doesn't mean it can't be. It just matters on how I respond when something does. And that's when I let God be what I need. I pray that today God you just become my need. When I think I need words or courage I pay I need you instead and allow you to be that and that you once again put me in your armor as I go to work and surround myself with the things the enemy knows it routine and can fall back into I rebuke that stronghold and break it right now in Jesus' name. I pray protection of my husband and Ricky. I pray great attitudes for my co-workers and for you to instill love in me for them as my family in Christ. Soften my heart to what has happened there. I set it at your throne and trust you'll let my actions to the problem come to me from you. Protect me God and let me know I am strong enough for this environment to not break my routine to get closer to you or let the opportunity arise for another job. Step in as my provider for me and Ricky. In Jesus' Name I pray this prayer. Amen.

 

[SinglemomV]

Lord, Thank you for speaking to ### during this service, may this time she simply use to worship you, to let you in, for you to speak to her and for her to worship and seek you Lord, May she feel your presence overwhelmingly Lord, Surround her with only your influences Lord, Give her your courage Lord, Your Mercy and Provisions, Lead her to do what Your will is Lord, Let her know she is your Light Lord, May she shine brightly onto others Lord, Calm her Lord, Be with her Husband ### Lord, Strengthen him Lord, Lead him Lord, Give this couple your divine guidance and reassurance, and your confidence Lord, Revive and Refresh them Lord, Thank You Lord, In Jesus Name Amen