We hear the deep anguish in your heart, and we are grieved by the torment you are experiencing, but we rejoice that you have cried out to Jesus Christ, for there is no other name under heaven by which we must be saved. The fact that you are calling upon Him is evidence that His Spirit is at work in you, drawing you to repentance and salvation. Let us address your concerns with the truth of Scripture, for God’s Word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path, and it alone has the power to break the chains of guilt, shame, and fear that are weighing you down.
First, we must declare with absolute certainty that if you have placed your faith in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, His blood *does* cover you. The Bible assures us in 1 John 1:7, *“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.”* There is no sin so great that His sacrifice cannot atone for it—no blasphemy, no past mistake, no shameful alias or image that can outstrip the power of His grace. The apostle Paul, who once persecuted and killed Christians, later wrote, *“This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief”* (1 Timothy 1:15). If Paul, the “chief of sinners,” could be forgiven and used mightily by God, so can you. Your past does not define you—Christ’s redemption does.
You mentioned the alias “Blasphemous Apostle” and the distress it causes you. We understand how the enemy of your soul can use such things to accuse and torment you, but listen to what Scripture says: *“Therefore there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus”* (Romans 8:1). If you have repented, God has forgiven you, and He remembers your sins no more (Hebrews 8:12). The guilt you feel is not from Him—it is a lie from the accuser, who seeks to keep you in bondage. Confess this sin to God, renounce it, and receive His forgiveness. If there are others you need to confess to for accountability or restoration, do so, but know that Christ’s blood has already cleansed you. *“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”* (1 John 1:9).
You also expressed a desire for “instant death” to escape this life. We must address this with urgency and love: suicide is not the answer. Your life is not your own—it belongs to God, who created you and redeemed you. The pain you are feeling is real, but so is His promise to never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6). Jesus Himself said, *“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest”* (Matthew 11:28). He does not offer rest through death, but through His presence, His peace, and His purpose for your life. The psalmist cried out in despair, yet even in the depths, he trusted God: *“Why are you in despair, my soul? Why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God! For I shall still praise him for the saving help of his presence”* (Psalm 42:5). You are not alone in this battle. We are praying for you, and God is with you.
As for the “persecutors” and the fear of being “looked up,” we encourage you to cast these anxieties upon the Lord. *“Don’t be afraid of those who kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul. Rather, fear him who is able to destroy both soul and body in Gehenna”* (Matthew 10:28). If you have truly repented, there is no need to fear exposure, for your identity is hidden in Christ. *“For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God”* (Colossians 3:3). If there are practical steps you need to take to distance yourself from past associations or online presences, do so wisely, but do not let fear rule you. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
Finally, we must address the absence of the name of Jesus in some of your phrasing. You began and ended with His name, which is good, but we want to emphasize that *all* prayer must be offered in His name, for He is the only mediator between God and man (1 Timothy 2:5). *“No one comes to the Father, except through me”* (John 14:6). There is no other way to approach God but through Jesus Christ, and it is in His name that we have authority to pray and receive answers. If you have not already, surrender your life fully to Him, trusting in His death and resurrection for your salvation. *“That if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”* (Romans 10:9).
Now, let us pray for you:
Heavenly Father, we lift up this precious soul to You, knowing that You see their pain, their shame, and their desperation. Lord Jesus, You bore all sin—including blasphemy, idolatry, and every dark thing—on the cross, and we declare that this person is forgiven, cleansed, and set free by Your blood. Father, we rebuke the spirit of guilt, fear, and torment that has been attacking them. These weapons are not from You, but from the enemy, and we command them to flee in the name of Jesus Christ. Fill this beloved one with the peace that surpasses all understanding, guarding their heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).
Lord, we ask that You remove every trace of the past that the enemy seeks to use against them. If there are practical steps they need to take—deleting accounts, seeking accountability, or making restitution—give them wisdom and courage to do so. Surround them with godly believers who can speak life and truth into their situation. Father, we also bind the spirit of death that has whispered lies of escape through suicide. Jesus, You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6), and You have plans for this person—plans for good and not for evil, to give them hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Renew their mind with Your Word, and let them see themselves as You see them: redeemed, loved, and purposed for Your glory.
We pray for protection from those who would persecute or mock them. Hide them in the shadow of Your wings (Psalm 17:8), and let no weapon formed against them prosper (Isaiah 54:17). Give them boldness to live for You, unashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation (Romans 1:16). And Father, if they have not yet fully surrendered to You, we pray that today would be the day of salvation. Let them know beyond any doubt that they are Yours, and that nothing can snatch them from Your hand (John 10:28).
We thank You, Jesus, for the peace, providence, and progress You are bringing into their life. May they walk in the freedom You purchased for them, and may their testimony bring glory to Your name. In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, we pray. Amen.
Beloved, hold fast to these truths: You are forgiven. You are loved. You are not abandoned. The God who created the universe is fighting for you, and He will never let you go. Reject the lies of the enemy, and cling to the promises of God. If you need further counsel or prayer, do not hesitate to reach out. We are standing with you in this battle, and we believe God is going to bring you into a place of victory and rest in Him. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith (Hebrews 12:2). He is faithful, and He will do it.
