Silas
Beloved of All
Your honesty about how heavy everything feels is important, and your life matters deeply to God. The pain of living with ADHD, OCD and PTSD, the ache of singleness and depression, and the questions about whether God is real and where He is in all of this are not small things. God sees that struggle and He does not want you to carry it alone or to end your life.
Heaven is not earned by living a perfect life and it is not kept by never struggling. The good news of the Bible is the opposite of trying to work so God will respond to you. God is the initiator. He has already acted for you in Jesus Christ, offering forgiveness and new life as a gift of grace to those who put their trust in Him. You respond to what He has already done. That response is faith, believing His promises that He loves you and wants to bring you into His family. Through Jesus you can be adopted as a son of God, not because you have earned it, but because Christ paid for it. That is how anyone enters heaven, through trusting Jesus alone.
Because life belongs to God, taking your own life is not His will for you. It is a serious wrong that cuts short what He wants to do in and through you, and it brings deep harm to you and to others. The Bible treats death, and especially spiritual death which is separation from God, with great seriousness. While salvation rests on faith in Christ and not on one act, suicide is never presented as a path to peace or as a solution God blesses. God invites you to choose life, to cry out to Him for help, and to keep trusting Him one day at a time. If you are feeling that you may act on these thoughts, please reach out right now to a trusted pastor, a mature Christian friend, a counselor, a doctor, or a crisis helpline in your area, and let someone stay with you. You do not have to face this darkness alone.
You asked where God is and if He is real. He is knowable, and He has revealed Himself most clearly through Jesus. He is not distant or overlooking you. He does not promise to remove every problem the moment we pray, but He does promise to be present, to lead with His light and truth when you ask Him, and to help those who put their trust in Him. Many of the psalms describe the same cry you are voicing, My soul thirsts for God, where are you. The psalmist was cast down and depressed, feeling that God had forgotten him while enemies pressed in. His answer was not to look only inward, but to factor God in and put his hope in Him, and that hope turned mourning into praise. God is described as a consuming fire not to destroy you, but to burn away what harms you, the dross and sin, so you can be made whole.
You were created in the image of God for a purpose that is larger than whether you are single or married. Your chief purpose is to know God and to have fellowship with Him and to bring pleasure to Him. That does not make the desire for marriage wrong. God created male and female and designed marriage as a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and He designed sexual intimacy to belong only within that covenant. That is why waiting and keeping yourself for marriage was not something to regret. It honored God, even if it felt costly at the time.
Going to brothels, even where it is legal and even when a counselor suggested it, is outside of God's design. It may have felt like gaining experience, but God warns that paths outside His will bring harm to the soul. He does not warn because He is harsh, but because He loves you and wants to protect you. The good news is that God is merciful and plentiful in mercy toward those who call upon Him. When we turn back to Him, confess what is wrong, and turn away from idols and false ways, He is ready to forgive through Christ and to speak to us and restore us. He does not want leftovers from your life. He wants your whole heart, and He wants to purify and heal you.
A divided heart leaves us torn and restless. The prayer God loves to answer is, unite my heart to serve you, give me a singleness of purpose toward you. That does not mean you will never feel temptation or sadness again, but it means you invite God to rule in your heart and you seek His will above other voices, even above a therapist's advice that contradicts Scripture. Growth comes through the truth of God as you let Him lead you.
If you want a serious relationship, that desire can be brought to God in a new way. Ask Him to lead you, to help you pursue purity from now on, and to prepare you to love a future wife faithfully within marriage. Trusting God in this area means not seeking intimacy outside marriage, but seeking holiness and faithfulness, believing He knows what is best for you.
You do not need to stay in regret about the past or despair about being single in your early years. If you have not yet done so, turn to Jesus in simple faith, ask Him to forgive your sins, including sexual sin, and to be your Lord and Savior. Then walk with Him daily, let Him be your exceeding joy, spend time in His Word, pray honestly as the psalmists did, and stay connected to faithful believers who can support you and help you get good, biblically grounded care for your mental health. God is real, He is near, and He is able to help you as you put your trust in Him.
Heaven is not earned by living a perfect life and it is not kept by never struggling. The good news of the Bible is the opposite of trying to work so God will respond to you. God is the initiator. He has already acted for you in Jesus Christ, offering forgiveness and new life as a gift of grace to those who put their trust in Him. You respond to what He has already done. That response is faith, believing His promises that He loves you and wants to bring you into His family. Through Jesus you can be adopted as a son of God, not because you have earned it, but because Christ paid for it. That is how anyone enters heaven, through trusting Jesus alone.
Because life belongs to God, taking your own life is not His will for you. It is a serious wrong that cuts short what He wants to do in and through you, and it brings deep harm to you and to others. The Bible treats death, and especially spiritual death which is separation from God, with great seriousness. While salvation rests on faith in Christ and not on one act, suicide is never presented as a path to peace or as a solution God blesses. God invites you to choose life, to cry out to Him for help, and to keep trusting Him one day at a time. If you are feeling that you may act on these thoughts, please reach out right now to a trusted pastor, a mature Christian friend, a counselor, a doctor, or a crisis helpline in your area, and let someone stay with you. You do not have to face this darkness alone.
You asked where God is and if He is real. He is knowable, and He has revealed Himself most clearly through Jesus. He is not distant or overlooking you. He does not promise to remove every problem the moment we pray, but He does promise to be present, to lead with His light and truth when you ask Him, and to help those who put their trust in Him. Many of the psalms describe the same cry you are voicing, My soul thirsts for God, where are you. The psalmist was cast down and depressed, feeling that God had forgotten him while enemies pressed in. His answer was not to look only inward, but to factor God in and put his hope in Him, and that hope turned mourning into praise. God is described as a consuming fire not to destroy you, but to burn away what harms you, the dross and sin, so you can be made whole.
You were created in the image of God for a purpose that is larger than whether you are single or married. Your chief purpose is to know God and to have fellowship with Him and to bring pleasure to Him. That does not make the desire for marriage wrong. God created male and female and designed marriage as a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and He designed sexual intimacy to belong only within that covenant. That is why waiting and keeping yourself for marriage was not something to regret. It honored God, even if it felt costly at the time.
Going to brothels, even where it is legal and even when a counselor suggested it, is outside of God's design. It may have felt like gaining experience, but God warns that paths outside His will bring harm to the soul. He does not warn because He is harsh, but because He loves you and wants to protect you. The good news is that God is merciful and plentiful in mercy toward those who call upon Him. When we turn back to Him, confess what is wrong, and turn away from idols and false ways, He is ready to forgive through Christ and to speak to us and restore us. He does not want leftovers from your life. He wants your whole heart, and He wants to purify and heal you.
A divided heart leaves us torn and restless. The prayer God loves to answer is, unite my heart to serve you, give me a singleness of purpose toward you. That does not mean you will never feel temptation or sadness again, but it means you invite God to rule in your heart and you seek His will above other voices, even above a therapist's advice that contradicts Scripture. Growth comes through the truth of God as you let Him lead you.
If you want a serious relationship, that desire can be brought to God in a new way. Ask Him to lead you, to help you pursue purity from now on, and to prepare you to love a future wife faithfully within marriage. Trusting God in this area means not seeking intimacy outside marriage, but seeking holiness and faithfulness, believing He knows what is best for you.
You do not need to stay in regret about the past or despair about being single in your early years. If you have not yet done so, turn to Jesus in simple faith, ask Him to forgive your sins, including sexual sin, and to be your Lord and Savior. Then walk with Him daily, let Him be your exceeding joy, spend time in His Word, pray honestly as the psalmists did, and stay connected to faithful believers who can support you and help you get good, biblically grounded care for your mental health. God is real, He is near, and He is able to help you as you put your trust in Him.
