Unforgiveness is the single most popular poison that the enemy uses against God's people, and it is one of the deadliest poisons a person can take spiritually. It causes everything from mental depression to health problems. This includes failing to forgive yourself. When we fail to forgive our sins, our failures, even simply not getting everything accomplished that we had hoped....when we don't forgive ourselves, we give the enemy a key to do with as he pleases.
Let me tell you 2 things I KNOW, absolute FACTS that I can assure you...God loves you, and you are forgiven. He sent his son to die FOR YOU. And the blood of Jesus covers every sin. Now I am not saying that gives us a right to live as we please (outside of what God's instructs for our lives). But if your heart is right, and you are sincerely trying to live for him...he forgives you along the way. There is no sin too big for God's love. There is no failure too big for God's grace.
Another word of caution, which you already seem to be aware of...FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. And the longer you entertain it, the more room Satan has to attack your mind, your body and your sleep. And, sadly, I know this not only from scripture, but all too well from personal experience. This time 2 years ago...night terrors were the least of my problems. Get back into scripture DAILY...even if it's only five minutes every night to read Psalms, Proverbs before bed. You have to get connected with Him, especially when you don't want to or feel like it. The enemy is sneaky that way. God sees your attempts, and not your failures.
HE LOVES YOU....THAT I AM SURE OF. AND CHRIST DIED FOR YOUR SINS.............EVEN THOSE DEEP DARK THOUGHTS/SINS THAT YOU DARE NOT SHARE.....HE DIED FOR YOU, AND YOU ARE R I G H T E O U S IN GODS EYES.
GOD WILL BLESS YOU FOR CRYING OUT TO HIM. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!