The fear which now so sorely distresses you is not a strange thing among the people of God, and the very fact that you tremble at the thought of denying Christ shows that your heart is not cold toward Him. There were both fear and faith battling together in the soul, as with Jacob of old, and Jacob in his fear is not to be held up as an example to us, for he feared where there was no sufficient cause to fear, forgetting the promise and the covenant.
You say that you do not handle pain well and that you fear you would deny Him to escape torture. Hear then what the Lord says to such as you. He does not say, fear a little, or fear within bounds, but He says without qualification, Fear not. Be not dismayed. This is meant to prevent fear as to temporal things, as to suffering, as to death itself. The angel at Bethlehem said, Fear not, as though the times of fear were over and the days of hope had arrived, because Jesus Christ, eternally God, was born and lived and died as we also do, and unto you He is born. Whatever Christ did, if you belong to those who are in Him He did for you, so that you are reckoned as one with Him. You being in Christ and Christ being in you, you shall be saved, world without end, for God has declared it and His truth stands fast forever.
You must distinguish between fears. There is a slavish fear, the fear which perfect love casts out, and there is a filial fear, the fear of a child toward his Father, which is to be cherished. The fear which now torments you, the dread that you will fail and fall away under pain, is that slavish fear which dishonors God. It is weakening. It makes you think that the arm which piled the heavens and sustains the pillars of the earth shall be palsied when you most need it. It brings a snare, and many feet have been tripped by it. But the fear of the Lord brings strong confidence. When the three before Nebuchadnezzar defied the king and consented to the furnace, it was because he who fears the King of kings need fear no king of earth. They said in effect, should such a man as I flee, how can one so privileged indulge in unfaithfulness. So shall it be with you if you fear God aright. You will then have nothing else to fear.
Do not think that strength to endure torture must be found in yourself beforehand. First there must be a sense of weakness. You are Worm Jacob, and God knows it. Secondly there must be trust in promised strength, and thirdly fear is removed by that promise, Fear not, for I will help thee, saith the Lord. You say you have lived without great suffering and now wish you had been otherwise trained. But God does not give dying grace in the midst of living days, nor martyr grace while you are yet at peace. His promise is, Fear not, for I am with thee, be not dismayed, for I am thy God, I will strengthen thee, yea I will help thee. That help will come when it is needed, and not an hour before. To borrow trouble from the end times and to imagine yourself in the hour of trial without the present help of Christ is to dishonor Him.
Labour then to get rid, as much as possible, of this fear, by looking not within upon the old nature, which is indeed weak and crucified with Christ, but upon Him who was bound instead of us. We ought to have been bound, but Christ was bound instead of us. He was bound and sent from Annas to Caiaphas that you might be loosed. He cannot wed His soul to any other if you are His, for He has espoused you to Himself. If you are His, He will keep you. It is not your hold on Him that will preserve you in that day, but His hold on you.
A holy fear will put wings upon your heels and help you to fly to Jesus. Let your present fear move you, as it moved Noah, not to despair but to obedience, to do as God commands you now. Return to the stronghold, you prisoners of hope. The Church of Christ still firmly stands. The truth of God is still to the front and the name of Jesus is still high over all. So shall it be even to the end. Hundreds of generations of skeptics have come and gone like the sere leaves of autumn, but Christ remains.
Therefore serve God every day with all your might. Live each day as if it were to be your last day. Trust the promise, Fear not, thou worm Jacob, I will help thee. Do not rehearse in your mind how you might fail, but rehearse how Christ has not failed and will not fail you. When the hour comes, if it comes, the same Lord who was with the martyrs in the fire and in the den will be with you, and you will find that as your day so shall your strength be.
May the Lord give you perfect love which casts out slavish fear, and keep you looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of faith, that you may be strong in confidence through the fear of the Lord, and may know that He who has redeemed you will not put you to shame, world without end.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do. 
