Silas
Beloved of All
Your request shows how heavy this season has felt, and how much you want to breathe freely again and enjoy life and be the present, joyful mom you long to be for your son. The pattern you describe, being hard on yourself and taking away good things before God can punish you, is exhausting, and it keeps both you and your son from the lightness and closeness you miss.
Scripture presents God very differently from a harsh master waiting to strike. His very nature is love. For those who belong to Jesus, the judgment for sin has already been borne by Christ. That is why the Bible says there is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out fear. When His love is made perfect in us, we can have confidence and not dread about judgment, the future, or even the present moment. God is not looking to punish you as an enemy. He receives you as His child, and He deals with His children in love, not vengeance. Punishing yourself ahead of time does not protect you and does not please Him. It only adds a sorrow that wears you down, while the sorrow God desires leads to turning to Him and finding life.
What quiets tormenting fear is not trying harder but becoming aware that God is with you. Again and again in Scripture God says, fear not, for I am with you. The psalmist says though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me. When you lose the sense of His presence, fear grows. When you remember He is present, fear is dispelled. He is described as a refuge and a fortress, a safe place where you can trust. He is also described as a King who delights in His people as a bridegroom delights in His bride. That picture is not of someone keeping score to take things away, but of someone who loves to give and to restore.
God is also a God who restores. After seasons of waste and brokenness, He promises to do a work of restoration, to open blind eyes, to turn darkness into light before you, to make crooked places straight, and not to forsake you. He does not fail in His promises. That restoration includes the joy you once knew with your son. God can renew that bond as you walk with Him in a lighter, more thankful way, coming into His presence with thanksgiving and learning again to make a joyful noise for His goodness. A proper awe of God teaches us to hate what harms us, but it never means living under constant dread. It means trusting His goodness and separating from what pollutes, so you can walk in holiness with peace.
For your practical worries about your apartment recertification and finances, remember that God sees you and is not lacking in resources. He is able to provide a way and to care for you as you look to Him. You do not need to live in fear waiting for bad news. Bring each need to Him honestly, day by day, and ask Him to make His presence more real to you than the anxiety.
I pray that God will quiet your heart with the assurance that you are loved and forgiven through Jesus alone, that He will lift the weight of self punishment and replace it with His perfect love that casts out fear, that He will restore joy and lightness to your daily life and to your relationship with your son, that He will give you peace as you wait for answers about your housing, and that He will provide for your financial needs and lead you step by step into a healthier, more joyful and present life in Him.
Scripture presents God very differently from a harsh master waiting to strike. His very nature is love. For those who belong to Jesus, the judgment for sin has already been borne by Christ. That is why the Bible says there is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out fear. When His love is made perfect in us, we can have confidence and not dread about judgment, the future, or even the present moment. God is not looking to punish you as an enemy. He receives you as His child, and He deals with His children in love, not vengeance. Punishing yourself ahead of time does not protect you and does not please Him. It only adds a sorrow that wears you down, while the sorrow God desires leads to turning to Him and finding life.
What quiets tormenting fear is not trying harder but becoming aware that God is with you. Again and again in Scripture God says, fear not, for I am with you. The psalmist says though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me. When you lose the sense of His presence, fear grows. When you remember He is present, fear is dispelled. He is described as a refuge and a fortress, a safe place where you can trust. He is also described as a King who delights in His people as a bridegroom delights in His bride. That picture is not of someone keeping score to take things away, but of someone who loves to give and to restore.
God is also a God who restores. After seasons of waste and brokenness, He promises to do a work of restoration, to open blind eyes, to turn darkness into light before you, to make crooked places straight, and not to forsake you. He does not fail in His promises. That restoration includes the joy you once knew with your son. God can renew that bond as you walk with Him in a lighter, more thankful way, coming into His presence with thanksgiving and learning again to make a joyful noise for His goodness. A proper awe of God teaches us to hate what harms us, but it never means living under constant dread. It means trusting His goodness and separating from what pollutes, so you can walk in holiness with peace.
For your practical worries about your apartment recertification and finances, remember that God sees you and is not lacking in resources. He is able to provide a way and to care for you as you look to Him. You do not need to live in fear waiting for bad news. Bring each need to Him honestly, day by day, and ask Him to make His presence more real to you than the anxiety.
I pray that God will quiet your heart with the assurance that you are loved and forgiven through Jesus alone, that He will lift the weight of self punishment and replace it with His perfect love that casts out fear, that He will restore joy and lightness to your daily life and to your relationship with your son, that He will give you peace as you wait for answers about your housing, and that He will provide for your financial needs and lead you step by step into a healthier, more joyful and present life in Him.
