Anonymous
Beloved of All
There's some weakness now in my faith, Lord - because many things I have prayed for I am not finding in the day to day. I have been trying very hard to keep a future marriage together - but my happiness is falling apart completely. I've become a nasty and bitter person at times - its not who I am, or who I want to be. J. is a wonderful person - and the more I feel this way the less I feel I deserve them in my life.
I'm also making NO MONEY. I tried to follow my dreams - I invested a lot, - but now I have a phone bill I owe 500 dollars to, I have a student loan thats well over 3 or 4 grand now (and no degree), I have nothing. And now my marriage is crumbling because of my unhappiness, and their unhappiness - because the truth is I feel like the world is choking off our love and I don't have the ability to see what You're doing about that. I can't do anything about it, myself. I'd go out there and work - but honestly God, I'm a little screwed up - and I feel like people would pick up on that. They did at my last job, and the one before that, - and that is why I've had so few jobs to be truthful - is because I don't have a mind that works like other's do. And now my peace of mind has been mostly taken away from me. ALL of these things I've prayed about. Few to none of them are really changing in a way I can see.
I don't know what to do. The apostles said to pray constantly - so I pray a lot. You said to pray believing - well, Lord, there isn't a thing I don't think You can do, Jesus. I know You can do anything. I've written that in songs, I've spoken Your word to people, - I've exposed souls to the gospel - and even all of these things I know are not to my credit. And credit isn't what I want, but the joy You promised me. That is what I want - and what I have not known - and now look: everything I have is crumbling, all of these things You've given me I am powerless to keep.
God, I can't swear anything to You, but I can tell You with fair certainty I wouldn't be able to handle losing J., and what I have now. That is not to tempt You Father, but I'm just saying - don't kick a guy when he is down please. You're the God of mercy, and I know You are merciful, - but if You are merciful only to those who are perfect then there is absolutely no hope for me. And if You are merciful to those who are good only, - also, I have no hope.
Because I've made mistakes, I've done evil things, - and I've turned back from them trying to find some slice of peace and grace. I don't know peace right now. All I feel right in this moment is turmoil and distress. I look in the mirror, and my face looks distressed - my skin is sagging, I don't even look like myself.
You promised me clothes: well take a look at my rags, Lord. Look at them. I haven't bought a pair of clothes since I was 16. So where are my new clothes? I suffered for You and for Your promises, - to the absolute brink of madness. You promised me joy: well look at the war going on in me, Jesus. Tell me if there is any peace there, - and if You find it I will be amazed because I have not had any peace that lasted all week long.
You promised me, really, that You would provide for me. You told me in the bible that saving souls covered up errors so long as we corrected them - well my life has been dedicated to saving souls. Now mine is in danger. And where are You? I have looked so hard for Your blessings in my life - not the hardest, but as hard as I could, - and now I'm totally defeated. I can't think of a single thing that is going right. I'm not trying to be defiant in my words, but God I am very very frustrated. I am very at wits end, tired in the absolute core of me. In this state I'm useless.
If You are clothing flowers, but You forgot to clothe me - well, I don't know what to say to You other than that I haven't found Your promise in my lifetime. All these broken promises make me not want to live anymore. They make me feel like everything I was living for isn't coming.
If You're feeding the birds, but I can't as a man find my own food to eat - what is that about? You said You'd feed me - but now in the position I'm in, if I rely anymore on the one I love, I feel like the bitterness is just getting out of control.
I've asked for all these things, and I am asking now, Jesus. What happened to Your promises? Have You forgotten me?
Send me some signal that You don't want me anymore, and I will just go away from You - and I won't take up another god or any other worship - I'll just try to live out my days, Jesus. And - this marriage I'm supposed to have, is this the happiness and joy You want in a marriage - this bitter feud? My life of poverty on display? Why won't You help me?
Send me out from You if You don't want me, - Lord Jesus, You know You would be another dad who walked out. And if that's Your intention, God, to walk out on me all my days and to leave me pleading with You - what testimony am I supposed to bring to people about You? I can tell them whats written in the book - but if they look at me, they will see someone who You've just tossed away. And if I was always good for nothing, why on earth did You create me, God? You leave me with endless questions, and very few direct understandable answers. I ask the questions, and I don't hear back.
God, I am at the end here. If You don't stand up, then that's it - I don't know what I will do, or who I am supposed to be other than an outcast. Send me some sign, God in Jesus Christ's name I'm asking - send me some indication. I know that You said that people who desire signs lack in faith - but how else am I supposed to know unless You give me an answer?
God, be here with me. I'm struggling. in Jesus Christ's name I pray, amen.
I'm also making NO MONEY. I tried to follow my dreams - I invested a lot, - but now I have a phone bill I owe 500 dollars to, I have a student loan thats well over 3 or 4 grand now (and no degree), I have nothing. And now my marriage is crumbling because of my unhappiness, and their unhappiness - because the truth is I feel like the world is choking off our love and I don't have the ability to see what You're doing about that. I can't do anything about it, myself. I'd go out there and work - but honestly God, I'm a little screwed up - and I feel like people would pick up on that. They did at my last job, and the one before that, - and that is why I've had so few jobs to be truthful - is because I don't have a mind that works like other's do. And now my peace of mind has been mostly taken away from me. ALL of these things I've prayed about. Few to none of them are really changing in a way I can see.
I don't know what to do. The apostles said to pray constantly - so I pray a lot. You said to pray believing - well, Lord, there isn't a thing I don't think You can do, Jesus. I know You can do anything. I've written that in songs, I've spoken Your word to people, - I've exposed souls to the gospel - and even all of these things I know are not to my credit. And credit isn't what I want, but the joy You promised me. That is what I want - and what I have not known - and now look: everything I have is crumbling, all of these things You've given me I am powerless to keep.
God, I can't swear anything to You, but I can tell You with fair certainty I wouldn't be able to handle losing J., and what I have now. That is not to tempt You Father, but I'm just saying - don't kick a guy when he is down please. You're the God of mercy, and I know You are merciful, - but if You are merciful only to those who are perfect then there is absolutely no hope for me. And if You are merciful to those who are good only, - also, I have no hope.
Because I've made mistakes, I've done evil things, - and I've turned back from them trying to find some slice of peace and grace. I don't know peace right now. All I feel right in this moment is turmoil and distress. I look in the mirror, and my face looks distressed - my skin is sagging, I don't even look like myself.
You promised me clothes: well take a look at my rags, Lord. Look at them. I haven't bought a pair of clothes since I was 16. So where are my new clothes? I suffered for You and for Your promises, - to the absolute brink of madness. You promised me joy: well look at the war going on in me, Jesus. Tell me if there is any peace there, - and if You find it I will be amazed because I have not had any peace that lasted all week long.
You promised me, really, that You would provide for me. You told me in the bible that saving souls covered up errors so long as we corrected them - well my life has been dedicated to saving souls. Now mine is in danger. And where are You? I have looked so hard for Your blessings in my life - not the hardest, but as hard as I could, - and now I'm totally defeated. I can't think of a single thing that is going right. I'm not trying to be defiant in my words, but God I am very very frustrated. I am very at wits end, tired in the absolute core of me. In this state I'm useless.
If You are clothing flowers, but You forgot to clothe me - well, I don't know what to say to You other than that I haven't found Your promise in my lifetime. All these broken promises make me not want to live anymore. They make me feel like everything I was living for isn't coming.
If You're feeding the birds, but I can't as a man find my own food to eat - what is that about? You said You'd feed me - but now in the position I'm in, if I rely anymore on the one I love, I feel like the bitterness is just getting out of control.
I've asked for all these things, and I am asking now, Jesus. What happened to Your promises? Have You forgotten me?
Send me some signal that You don't want me anymore, and I will just go away from You - and I won't take up another god or any other worship - I'll just try to live out my days, Jesus. And - this marriage I'm supposed to have, is this the happiness and joy You want in a marriage - this bitter feud? My life of poverty on display? Why won't You help me?
Send me out from You if You don't want me, - Lord Jesus, You know You would be another dad who walked out. And if that's Your intention, God, to walk out on me all my days and to leave me pleading with You - what testimony am I supposed to bring to people about You? I can tell them whats written in the book - but if they look at me, they will see someone who You've just tossed away. And if I was always good for nothing, why on earth did You create me, God? You leave me with endless questions, and very few direct understandable answers. I ask the questions, and I don't hear back.
God, I am at the end here. If You don't stand up, then that's it - I don't know what I will do, or who I am supposed to be other than an outcast. Send me some sign, God in Jesus Christ's name I'm asking - send me some indication. I know that You said that people who desire signs lack in faith - but how else am I supposed to know unless You give me an answer?
God, be here with me. I'm struggling. in Jesus Christ's name I pray, amen.
