Notetoself

I keep allowing myself in these places in life (bad jobs, old friends, hurt feelings) knowing how bad they are for me and how good I feel when they are gone. I usually allow them because I feel like I owe it to who or whatever it is to do so. I need a job. This is for work. I have to work. I don't get to choose the environment. Well, no God does. I need to let him and even ask him to more often. Old friends whose lives are awful because, well, they usually made it that way themselves. Literally. They aren't children anymore so they have thrown away opportunities and they just become toxic waste in my life. They don't believe in God. They are always depressed. They always want something from me and in return when I need their friendship, they disappoint. I don't have to feel sorry for them. Praying for them is my duty. But allowing them into my life isn't. I woke up this morning. I had a nice rest. Praise God. Not too long to be wasteful of the day but long enough to feel better. As soon as the morning began, it was disagreements, yelling, negativity. Demands, fighting. It sounds dramatic. It wasn't. My husband wanted me to talk to the electric company about their mistakes because they weren't listening and he was getting mad. So I did. Felt like for some reason I had to make demands and argue. Then that reminded me of the problems at work that got so bad I had to involve the employee hotline and employee relations. Which just makes me hold so much anger in. It makes me so resentful. I have worked so hard and my performance means nothing because they promote and recognize and make decisions off of favoritism. Which reminded me of how angry I was and that I wanted it taken care of. I was tired of having to think of it and possibly look forward to it every time I showed up at work. Which was becoming less. The person I called was so rude and made me believe it was me being rude. I kept my composure and remained professional. But I shouldn't have called to press the subject anymore. I just made it worse for myself. Then I was so angry I was reminded that I could sue them for discrimination and retaliation and forgery. So I began looking for lawyers. I got nowhere with that. I'd never done anything like it before. I then tried to contact the labor board. My lack of progress made me more frustrated at myself. I left eventually to pick up some things at the store. I couldn't even listen to music I'd been listening to. It reminded me of music from work that I liked and listened to a lot at home. Or it reminded me of the feelings I've had for weeks. Depression, anxiety, fear, loss. I decided to listen to music I rarely listen to. I always pass up. It made me feel better. I tried calling my parents all day. They had problems trying to help my brother take a test for college. I took all my frustrations out on my mom. She isn't being a very good mom and hasn't been since I was a young teenager. I use this as an excuse to say it's okay to be mean to her she deserves it for what she has done. I also include I haven't felt well because of the stress and why. She stops texting me probably because she realizes I've just taken my anger out on her. I talk to my dad recently. He annoys me sometimes because he gets so angry over little things. So angry and starts to cuss and yell over things like someone saying something he disagrees with on TV. I think being annoyed at him is valid because he does something to be annoyed for good reasons. So at times I think it's okay to avoid talking to him. But today I was blessed to talk to him. Even though he did a lot of the other things that annoy me too. He finally listened to my problems. I told him and I felt so much better. I asked what the Bible says about suing people. He said to pray first. For a while. The answer will come and the Lord will either soften my heart and tell me to carry on and open other doors or I can not talk to him at all and do this with my heart hardened. I am thankful for my dad. Even though he annoys me that's so mean of me he's one of the few people that listen to my thoughts anymore. We are both alike. Lonely in this world and regret what we have done a lot. We both don't acknowledge that and never have said it. Matter of fact, I just realized it. And all these other things I've told myself in this letter. An angel of the Lord told me in my room this morning when I was so upset about having to spend another day with the feelings of what I was being put through at work, "All of these things you're feeling right now, all the happiness you got back after that bout of depression that's now leaving, this disruption in your life, your marriage, your smile. The enemy wants it. It's his goal." I keep remembering that. I keep thinking back to what my heart felt like when I was in church back home with my family there and how at peace I was how satisfied I was with life because people loved me, and those people were around. I miss those people and because I've let myself think having these things as opposed to those is better they cannot be with me and I cannot be there with them. Tomorrow Lord, I do pray you wake me into a day of peace and love with a mindset on your wishes with a heart full of love for others and love only, shielded in your armor and knowing you hold the future and will provide what I need. That you are my advisor, my father and I am your child that you watch daily with protection and so much happiness in mind for. That all I see, have, touch, feel, and remember is a gift from you. I pray Lord that becomes my routine every day, early in the morning and that each day it achieves me the happiness you have set in front of me. That it makes me the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend you have made me for. I rebuke Satan from ever taking this from me again, from this day and all the things in it you had good for me he stole. I pray I wake each of these days in eagerness and hunger for your word and blessing. In Jesus' Name I pray Amen.

 

[Action238]

Amen "the Resurrection"...amen and amen.....Lord continue to mold and make her into the witness that You need her to be in Jesus name...Protect her and keep her from all evil and continue to open her eyes to You and what this life is playing out in front of her. Let her walk in Wisdom and let her be covered with Mercy and Grace touch her marriage and let her be a jewel to her family in Jesus name

 

[SinglemomV]

Yes, Lord, I pray for ###, strengthen her more and more each day, as she strives to do your will Lord, Help her to know, she must continually renew her mind in you Lord, every second of every day Lord, Provide for her needs Lord, Reveal your direction to her Lord, In Jesus Name Amen