Anonymous
Beloved of All
I'm prayed out. I have nothing left in me. I'm praying constantly. I'm talking to God all day long in my head while I'm working. I just keep falling deeper and deeper. This started five months ago and I'm not any closer to getting anything together. Car's not fixed, can't afford Lyft rides for the next week of work. I have no resources. I dreamed about a friendly mother elephant and her playful baby reaching their trunks out to me from outside my door and I was petting their trunks (elephants use their trunks affectionately in communication). But as this was happening, I couldn't get out the door. I was going to go move some big obstacles I but couldn't get out the door. But I went out another way. (What other way was not evident in the dream.) As I went to "the obstacles" to move, knowing I had to move them all alone, there I found a couple of people already there to help me. But in the dream, the obstacles were a bunch of stacked weights that were far more than any one person could move, so we started moving them. But then I woke up. The dream didn't last long enough to know if we moved the weights, but the friendly elephants weren't there to help. Can any of you interpret dreams? I don't have any time left, of money, to resolve everything in time. I'm praying all day long. I even realize at times I'm mumbling and suddenly worry if people hear me talking to myself. I've had to pray hard at times, but never like this and never for such a great deal of time. I've tried to relax and let go at times to let God work, but it just seems like I fall further behind like God is punishing me for not doing enough for myself. I'm only human. If I second guess, it backfires. But everything backfires no matter how many times I attempt anything. I have been left powerless, without any resources, and hopeless. The silence is deafening. All this started with that car that was a blessing but turned into a curse. I can't fight that. I understand why people make the drastic decision to end it all. Sometimes it appears that the only way to win, is to lose, and the only way to accomplish that is to end one's presence on earth. There are only about three people in my life who would be saddened. There isn't anyone who is dependent on me for anything. So maybe the curse of being left without someone to love and be loved by is a weird blessing. There are far too many things that would have to come together in the next couple of days that could only offer some hope. And in order for everything to work out for any lasting good to survive beyond this desperate time, well, there's just nothing in my little world that can remotely provide that. I'm not doubting God's power, but this isn't Biblical times when God was parting seas, turning water red, and when Jesus fed thousands with a couple of fish and loaves of bread. People aren't being brought back to life after being dead for three days. Through all of this, I am remembering every bad thing I did and every stupid thing and every bad decision and have realized that this must be God telling me that I deserve this and that I should just "shut up and take it" - the words I heard so many times growing up, not just from my parents, but also from all my hateful siblings. They would all be so happy and feel so validated in their hatred for me if they could see my failures and desperate struggles now. The only feasting and cheering here would be them. The only time I feel "safe" and I threatened is when I'm in bed asleep except for the threat of succumbing to my sleep apnea...IF only. Ever day is not a new chance for success, every day is another day to fail, and that's all I seem to have been doing for many years now. I don't like how helpless and inept at life I've become. I don't like having this feeling of having a cloak of curses wrapped all around me like tar and feathers. I am deeply worried about myself for i cannot promise I won't end this today, tonight, tomorrow, or whenever. I do not see nor feel any relief. The pressure gets worse and is suffocating me. I cannot bear this weight anymore. I have no power and no resources. In one of my Lyft rides after work this week, my driver ran a stop sign and we almost got t-boned on my side. I sort of we had, especially since it was on my side. It's been more than ten years since I've had any genuine times of happiness, good times, joy, peace, and feelings of liking life. Something died in me and I can't get it back, just like in the poem of the knight searching for his Eldorado. I have only less than five acquaintances. But they can't fix this and it wouldn't be fair of me to expect them to. They are aware, but don't know everything which is probably just as well. Anyway, none of this matters now. The only thing that matters is how I can escape anymore of this BEFORE the guillotine drops on me. Sometimes, maybe God does test us until we finally fail beyond saving. Who knows what God's "plans" are? Maybe sometimes His plans involve saving others in some way by someone else being sacrificed. The boiler is about to explode and it doesn't look survivable. I've been reading and listening to positive things in print and videos and it just seems like it's all for everyone else but none of it something that will happen for me. I had few true moments and doing things that I enjoyed and that fit me...but like every good thing in my life, they are always short-lived. It's like being teased and being deceptively lead on to believe that "I" could have some lasting joy, happiness, and a fulfilling life. I'm tired of going all in, only to be ambushed and steamrolled. What is happening now, and has been for years now, and exponentially much more extreme these last couple of months now is going to collapse like an avalanche. I want to be gone before that. Like I said, I don't know when - tonight, tomorrow, next week; only what happens will determine when. It seems more and more evident each day. I cannot promise anything. Fate will decide.

Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have.