Johnsstarry sky
Humble Prayer Partner
My Mom passed in my arms on Jan 12th, I have been praying and praying for God's help with this pain but to no help. My heart is torn to pieces, it no longer feels like a home, nor a family. Mom was my best friend, I took care of her for three years with her Parkinson's. What makes things worse is that I was at the hospital every single moment, I blame myself and the hospital for my Mom's death, I feel like I murdered my beautiful Mom. The ER said we didn't need to put her in the hospital as everything looked good other than a UTI infection, I decided to put her in the hospital for a couple of days, while there the hospital let her aspirate which caused pneumonia and sepsis. I prayed the hardest I have ever prayed in my life at the chapel, in fact one night my crying was so loud that a security guard came in to see if I was alright. I have so much guilt over this, I sleep now in Mom's bed with my four-legged babies, I sleep on the pillow that my Mom passed on, I sleep with her ashes by my side. I've aged at least 15 years in my looks, I have lost over 12 pounds of weight. I find myself praying on walks at 2am by myself while I look to the sky. On top of this, we lost my Mom's income, and I lost my income for taking care of her here at our apt. I'm so lost and destroyed that I don't even pray for a job or money because I couldn't care less about it. This coming week I have to bring my four-legged kid into the vet to have X-rays done on her chest and her heart and blood test done because she needs to have surgery in another week for a fatty tumor on her back thigh. I'm so scared that this world will take my baby away from me as well. I love God and His Son Jesus Christ, I thank Him for everything and everyone I have in my life and I thank Him for Him above any of them or what I have. However after what happened to my Mom and watching her suffer and watching her take her last few breaths while I was alone with her in Hospice holding her head and her hand, I find myself conflicted. One minute I love God and the next I'm scared of Him thinking He's out to destroy what I have left for my family and my heart. I'm scared that He will let my little baby girl dog die or find something bad in her test from the doctors. I'm scared that my partner will succumb to his COPD and his Prostate cancer. You see my Mom was the only one who understood me, accepted me, and really really loved me. My Mom and I went shopping together, we went on rides together, we decorated together, we went on walks together, and we talked about old times and all the great memories. My Mom loved these two four-legged girls as if they were her own, the one Miss Kelly would always lick Mom like crazy in the face and the other one Miss Copius would always lick the food off of Mom's face and hands. I keep asking God to let the Rapture happen real soon so I'm not apart from my Mom for long. After 20 years of being together my partner and I don't see eye to eye no more, and Mom made this place feel like a home, she gave me life in many many ways. Now I barely talk to my partner, I sleep with my fur girls, I hardly ever go out anymore to shop except for the bare essentials because it's not the same. I eat once a day and it's takeout as I don't even feel like cooking no more. For me I feel like I'm walking in hell already while being alive, I don't see the light at the end of this storm, I don't care about myself no more, but I do care about my two fur girls and my partner. Please pray for little Copius the one who goes in to the Vet this week and has surgery next week, and pray for her sister Kelly who I love so much as well, and pray for my partner no matter what. This is the worst storm, the worst pain and grief I have ever gone through, my lips and cheeks get chapped from all the crying and my chest often times hurts from it as well. Thank you, ###
