Heavenly Father, Jehovah Shaphat, Jehovah Shalom: Abba:
We come to You in the Name of Jesus Christ and lift up to You nannyt5000. We ask You, Lord of Good Judgement and Perception, to grant her the detachment and realization that what her husband does or says is not her fault. Help her to realize that *his* problems aren't *her* problems, so that when he loses his head, she can gain some detachment and not be cut to the quick by his "blame game," and see it for what it is--an alcoholic mind game where he takes his anger out onto an innocent person and thus doesn't have to blame *himself* for his own problems, that HE created.
Lord of Peace, Jehovah Shalom: we ask You to grant nanny inner peace, the peace that passeth all understanding, so that no matter how hard her husband goes off the rails, she can retain that inner peace that is so rare and precious. Give her the gift of realizing that just because her husband is angry and upset, it doesn't mean that she has to acquiesce to this mood: help her to understand and know that she has the right to be *blissfully* happy even when he's irate. Also help her to understand that she has the right to set godly boundaries, boundaries where she doesn't have to take someone's sinful, blame-game wrath. Obviously, of course she should still love her husband, but in even the most loving relationships there's a time for boundary-setting, LORD: You, who chastise Your children from time to time, created the very principle of boundaries.
Heavenly Father, Abba, You are our Salvation. You are our Rock and our high tower, for it is written that "the Name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous run to it and are safe" (Proverbs 18:10, NKJV). Be the strong tower of nanny, LORD, and above all help her to realize that through loving detachment and boundary-setting she can achieve inner peace and tranquility without having to try to control her husband or suffer unnecessarily under his abuse.
In the Name of Jesus, Amen.
Supportive suggestion to nannyt5000: what your husband is doing is what is called being a "dry drunk." While technically sober from alcohol, he still has many of the psychological defenses and mechanisms that practicing alcoholics still do. Most alcoholics are highly manipulative and EXPERT at blaming or vilifying others for their problems. The defense mechanism is called "projection:" he's taking his anger at his predicament out onto you instead of squarely and resolutely taking responsibility for his actions. HE was the one that drove drunk and got the DUI, thus getting himself arrested and into an expensive treatment center, yet he's treating you like *you're* the enemy. You see? *He* got himself into this "fine mess."
However, your emotions are your responsibility. The good news is that your serenity and peace of mind are *up* to you and God. You don't have to let your husband upset you or control you with his anger; you do have choices in this area of life. While living with a newly recovering alcoholic is often like being in a bear in a cave just waking up from hibernation, you don't have to "go it alone." I think finding a very fine Al-Anon group would do you a world of good. You would start getting into a support system where you can find out what it takes to create your own serenity by surrendering to a Higher Power--for us Christians, that's Jesus.
You can learn methods by which you can gain control over your own emotions and behaviors so that you're no longer in a reactive mode towards your husband--and THAT'S real freedom, the kind of liberty that God *wants* us to have. When you gain control over your own buttons and he can't push them anymore, you will find that the power dynamics change bigtime between you and your husband. You won't find yourself being his emotional slave or patsy anymore, and this is *exactly* what God wants, for:
You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. 1 Corinthians 7: 23, NKJV.
There is also this passage from Proverbs:
When wisdom enters your heart,
And knowledge is pleasant to your soul,
Discretion will preserve you;
Understanding will keep you,
To deliver you from the way of evil,
From the man who speaks perverse things,
From those who leave the paths of uprightness
To walk in the way of darkness;
Who rejoice in doing evil,
And delight in the perversity of the wicked;
Whose ways are crooked,
And who are devious in their paths...
Proverbs 2:10-15, NKJV
If you choose to study the psychology of alcoholics, you will find that they fit this description to a "t". Alcoholics speak "perverse things"--they say/do things that are outlandish or often blatantly hurtful for the purpose of "getting a rise" or certain desired results. And when someone gets an addiction to alcohol, is that not leaving the paths of uprightness for the way of darkness? (Alcoholism is a progressive disease that, left untreated, almost always leads to the jailhouse, the asylum, or the grave.) While most alcoholics don't really want to be evil, they certainly *do* things that are quite evil in God's sight and rejoice in this. They often delight in the perversity of the wicked (frequently other alcoholics--their "drinking buddies," for example, who often lend emotional support for really cruel, nasty behavior by justifying "blame games".) An alcoholic's way is usually "crooked"--meaning, very dishonest with oneself and thus dishonest with others. This lends itself to deviousness--manipulative, crafty behavior.
This Biblical passage very elegantly and truthfully describes the modus operandi of addicts in general, including alcoholics. Al-Anon is a great resource for learning wisdom, knowledge, discretion, and understanding, both in knowing yourself--the first step in dealing with the disease--and in knowing the enemy, alcohol addiction and the psychology it produces. God bless you and keep you, and I hope you find an excellent Al-Anon group!
