A year and a half ago I had to face the diagnosis of cancer, so when I read your request I understood the feelings that you expressed. My first thoughts were for my wife and my son that still needed me. I also felt disturbed that I would be going back to God with little to show for my time here... Where was the fruit in my life? Things kind of went dark and an ominous cloud seemed to hover over daily life. Time seemed to stand still and for awhile I just couldn't shake it.
I reached out to others for prayer support and yet I was numb. I felt that death was certain and it didn't help that my doctor was visibly upset. This may not look like the description of a person who has been a faithful Christian for 30 years, but in my humanity fear and emotion ruled my life for a month or two. It has been a year and a half of learning to trust God at a new level and to see Him work out the details that are beyond my ability.
On top of the diagnosis I found that my health sharing network would not really support me at this time, so with all earthly support pulled out from under me I had to turn it over to Jesus and I'm still working at this daily. I am feeling fine each day, but as I prepare for treatment this winter I have moments of weakness now and then. The TRUTH is that the cancer is very treatable and full recovery is more likely than not. God knows my future. The second trial was that I would have to pay for the treatment out-of-pocket, so I started a gofundme account. This has raised less than 10% of my need so far, but friends and customers have blessed us with more than double the amount of gofundme and my health sharing network has said they would likely cover 10 to 15%. This still leaves a lot of room for me to TRUST God, which is exactly what He's looking for. God wants our attention in the good times and in the bad. He wants our love and devotion and without FAITH it is impossible to please Him. "But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." Hebrews 11:6
The dark shadow that was cast over my life for awhile was quite perplexing. I FELT that I couldn't get through to God and it was as if I was slipping deeper into a valley that would ultimately end in my death. Those were FEELINGS and they had more power than they should have for some time. Later I took a closer look at Psalm 23 and I think I found that emotional valley that even the psalmist had experienced approximately 4,000 years ago. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4
There it was in the Scriptures a description of a valley, BUT a key phrase there for me was, "the valley of the "shadow" of death" In the same verse was the promise of God's presence through the dark experiences of life. In this I found encouragement, but the last verse really blesses me. "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."
Well, These trials are not something we'd choose for ourselves, but God can use them to help us to focus on the most important things in life. He has my attention. I thought my faith was o.k., but as I went into the unknown I realized just how dependent we humans are on the Almighty for every second of life. If you'd like to read a more complete account of my journey with prostate cancer feel free to type the following link directly into your web browser: gofundme.com/Clays-Dad This is my fundraising site, but those who visit it to read the story are under no obligation to donate. Just read and be comforted that others are going through similar ordeals... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! God knows your future and I'm praying that you'll entrust each day into His loving care.
God Bless You,
Jeff