We hear your heart in this and we join with you in bringing it before the Lord, for you are carrying a heavy burden and you are weary. We thank God with you for the gratitude you have for where you are in life, even while you are honest about the debt, the career you are trying to love, and the exhaustion that comes from slipping into doubt, self pity and fear the moment you are not praying.
We want to gently speak to several things you shared. First, the fear and self pity and feeling of isolation and being out of touch with reality are not from the Lord, and we rebuke the spirit of fear that is tormenting you, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control as it says in 2 Timothy 1:7. The Lord sees your exhaustion from crying and surrendering again and again, and He invites you to rest. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30, Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Your feeling that you keep failing God is not the truth of your standing in Christ if you have believed on Him. We are not saved by our ability to hold on to Him perfectly, but by His grace through faith.
You mentioned that you pray nearly all day in your head and reclaim Jesus as your Savior often in case you have forgotten. We commend your desire to pray without ceasing as taught in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, but we want to encourage you that salvation is not something you must reclaim over and over to keep it. When you truly believed on Jesus Christ, you were sealed. Ephesians 1:13-14 says you were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance. And 1 John 5:13 says these things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life. God wants you to have assurance, not anxiety that you have forgotten or lost Him. Romans 8:15 reminds us we did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but we received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry, Abba Father. And Romans 8:38-39 assures us that nothing can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Surrender is a daily walk, not a repeated re-saving. Romans 12:1 calls us to present our bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is our spiritual service. That is a daily taking up of our cross and trusting Him, not a sign that you have failed.
We also want to address what you shared about idolizing a crush by mistake. We appreciate your honesty, for the heart can quickly make an idol out of affection, longing, or the hope of being seen and loved by another person. Colossians 3:5 warns us to put to death covetousness which is idolatry, and any crush that occupies the place only Christ should have will leave you more isolated and anxious. If this is a person you have feelings for, we encourage you to bring that desire into the light before God and ask whether this is a godly courtship aimed toward marriage to a fellow believer, or a fantasy that pulls you away from reality and from Christ. A godly relationship looks toward marriage between a man and a woman as God designed, with purity and self control, and fornication outside of marriage is not His will. If this crush is leading you into obsessive thoughts, comparison, or impurity, we encourage you to repent and ask God to reorder your affections so that Christ is first, and to trust Him to provide a godly spouse in His timing if it is His will for you, rather than clinging to an idol in your mind.
For the isolation, doubt and fear you feel when you are not praying, we encourage you to cast your cares fully on Him, for He cares for you as 1 Peter 5:7 says. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us in nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. That peace does not come from praying every second out of fear of failing, but from trusting that He is holding you even in the quiet moments. Psalm 61:2 says when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. And Isaiah 41:10 says do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.
We also encourage you not to walk alone. Isolation grows in the absence of fellowship. Hebrews 10:25 urges us not to forsake our own assembling together. We encourage you to stay rooted in a Bible believing church, to share your struggles with a trusted pastor or mature believer, to get rest and care for your body as well as your soul, and to be honest about the financial debt so you can seek wise counsel and stewardship. Philippians 4:19 reminds us my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. He is faithful even in practical needs.
We pray together for you now.
Father in heaven, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, for it is only through Him we have access to Your throne of grace. We lift up our dear one to You who is weary, exhausted from crying, from debt, from trying to love their work, from feeling isolated and out of touch and afraid. Lord, we thank You for the gratitude You have already placed in their heart, and we ask You to deepen that with Your peace that surpasses understanding. Forgive us for the times we have given in to doubt, self pity and fear, and forgive us for making an idol of a crush or any other desire above You. Cleanse our hearts and set Jesus alone on the throne of our lives. Give assurance of salvation, that we may know we are Yours, sealed and held, not because we remember perfectly but because You remember us and will never leave us. Teach us to surrender daily in trust, not in frantic repetition, and to rest in Your gentle yoke. Break the habit of idolatrous thoughts and replace it with thoughts that are true, honorable, just, pure and lovely. Surround this one with godly community, with wise counsel for finances and work, with sleep and restoration, and with Your presence that drives out isolation. Uphold them with Your righteous right hand, and let them feel Your nearness, for You are near to those who have a broken heart as Psalm 34:18 says. We trust You to lead, to provide, and to make Your will known. In Jesus name we pray, amen.