Silas
Beloved of All
Your words show both real gratitude and deep weariness, and God sees both. Feeling thankful for where you are while also feeling isolated, out of touch, in debt, and uncertain about your career is not a contradiction. It is the tension of trying to trust God while fear keeps pulling your eyes away from Him.
That exhaustion you describe from trying to surrender again and again, crying and reclaiming Jesus as Savior over and over in case you forgot, points to something important. Surrender in Scripture is not a performance you have to repeat perfectly to stay saved. Salvation is through Jesus Christ alone, by what He has done, not by how well you remember to pray it in your head all day. When you put your trust in Him, He keeps you. You do not have to re-earn Him every moment you feel doubt. Rest is part of faith.
True surrender is more like handing something over and leaving it there. The prophet Jeremiah once told the people that the way to live was to surrender, to stop fighting God’s dealings and yield. They thought that message was treason, but God was saying surrender brings life while resisting brings death. In the same way, God is not asking you to surrender in order to crush you, but to give you life. Like Jacob, who wrestled all night because he did not want to let go and let God have His way, many of us struggle. God wrestled with him not to hurt him but to bring him to the place where he would finally yield, so that God could then bless him and do through him what He had planned. Sometimes God allows a limp, a place of weakness, so that we stop relying on our own scheming and learn to depend on Him to be crowned with His purpose.
Part of what keeps you tired is that fear and faith cannot live in the same place at the same time. When Peter stepped out of the boat to walk to Jesus on the water, he was fine while he looked at Jesus. When he looked at the wind and the waves, fear took over and he began to sink. Jesus said it was a matter of little faith and doubting. That is what happens when we get our eyes off the Lord and onto our problems, our debt, our future, our loneliness, or even a crush we have made too important. Fear rushes in and faith fades. Faith drives out fear, and fear drives out faith.
The cure for that kind of fear is remembering the Lord. David said though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. Fear grows when we forget Him. The Bible says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. That fear is not a phobia. It is awe and reverence for who God is, His greatness and power, a desire to love what He loves and hate what He hates and to do what pleases Him. That kind of fear actually brings health to the soul and keeps your foot from being caught. It is the opposite of the fear of circumstances or the fear of what people think, which is a trap. When we live in awe of God, we can make wise, calm decisions instead of reacting out of panic.
You mentioned idolizing a crush by mistake and wondering how to break the habit. An idol is anything we put in God’s place to give us identity, comfort, or hope. The way out is not just trying harder to not think about the person, but to turn your awe back to God. Ask Him to show you what you are looking for in that crush, companionship, affirmation, escape from loneliness, and bring that need honestly to Jesus. God’s design for romantic love is a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and intimacy belongs within that marriage. Outside of that, God calls us to purity of heart and to love others without making them into a savior. Surrender that person to Him as well, and leave that surrender with Him instead of picking it back up to analyze again. Pray for that person’s good, but do not ask God to bless a path that would lead you away from His ways.
You do not keep failing God because you feel doubt or self pity. Those feelings are signals to bring you back to remembering Him, not proof that you are abandoned. You do not need to pray without ceasing as a frantic effort to stay saved. Prayer is communion with a Father who already knows your debt, your job, your isolation, and your exhaustion. Bring those things to Him simply and then trust that He hears. When fear rises, gently turn your attention back to who He is, that He is with you, that He is able to keep you, and that He desires to bless you as you yield to Him.
May you know His peace as you hand your life, your finances, your work, your loneliness, and even this crush over to Him once, and then leave them in His hands, trusting that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.
That exhaustion you describe from trying to surrender again and again, crying and reclaiming Jesus as Savior over and over in case you forgot, points to something important. Surrender in Scripture is not a performance you have to repeat perfectly to stay saved. Salvation is through Jesus Christ alone, by what He has done, not by how well you remember to pray it in your head all day. When you put your trust in Him, He keeps you. You do not have to re-earn Him every moment you feel doubt. Rest is part of faith.
True surrender is more like handing something over and leaving it there. The prophet Jeremiah once told the people that the way to live was to surrender, to stop fighting God’s dealings and yield. They thought that message was treason, but God was saying surrender brings life while resisting brings death. In the same way, God is not asking you to surrender in order to crush you, but to give you life. Like Jacob, who wrestled all night because he did not want to let go and let God have His way, many of us struggle. God wrestled with him not to hurt him but to bring him to the place where he would finally yield, so that God could then bless him and do through him what He had planned. Sometimes God allows a limp, a place of weakness, so that we stop relying on our own scheming and learn to depend on Him to be crowned with His purpose.
Part of what keeps you tired is that fear and faith cannot live in the same place at the same time. When Peter stepped out of the boat to walk to Jesus on the water, he was fine while he looked at Jesus. When he looked at the wind and the waves, fear took over and he began to sink. Jesus said it was a matter of little faith and doubting. That is what happens when we get our eyes off the Lord and onto our problems, our debt, our future, our loneliness, or even a crush we have made too important. Fear rushes in and faith fades. Faith drives out fear, and fear drives out faith.
The cure for that kind of fear is remembering the Lord. David said though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. Fear grows when we forget Him. The Bible says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. That fear is not a phobia. It is awe and reverence for who God is, His greatness and power, a desire to love what He loves and hate what He hates and to do what pleases Him. That kind of fear actually brings health to the soul and keeps your foot from being caught. It is the opposite of the fear of circumstances or the fear of what people think, which is a trap. When we live in awe of God, we can make wise, calm decisions instead of reacting out of panic.
You mentioned idolizing a crush by mistake and wondering how to break the habit. An idol is anything we put in God’s place to give us identity, comfort, or hope. The way out is not just trying harder to not think about the person, but to turn your awe back to God. Ask Him to show you what you are looking for in that crush, companionship, affirmation, escape from loneliness, and bring that need honestly to Jesus. God’s design for romantic love is a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and intimacy belongs within that marriage. Outside of that, God calls us to purity of heart and to love others without making them into a savior. Surrender that person to Him as well, and leave that surrender with Him instead of picking it back up to analyze again. Pray for that person’s good, but do not ask God to bless a path that would lead you away from His ways.
You do not keep failing God because you feel doubt or self pity. Those feelings are signals to bring you back to remembering Him, not proof that you are abandoned. You do not need to pray without ceasing as a frantic effort to stay saved. Prayer is communion with a Father who already knows your debt, your job, your isolation, and your exhaustion. Bring those things to Him simply and then trust that He hears. When fear rises, gently turn your attention back to who He is, that He is with you, that He is able to keep you, and that He desires to bless you as you yield to Him.
May you know His peace as you hand your life, your finances, your work, your loneliness, and even this crush over to Him once, and then leave them in His hands, trusting that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.
