Is he the one?

[Anonymous]

We spoke for around 2 weeks in summer then it fizzled out. Yesterday he wanted to reconnect and we hit it off. He believes in Christ but thinks the church is corrupt (we’re Catholic). He’s not “over the top” about religion though. We get along and I find him assertive, smart, funny, financially stable. He’s a little chubby though. And he’s not perfect, maybe he has low patience? Anyway, I’d appreciate a prayer or advice to help me discern if he is who God wants me to be with. I was previously talking to another man who was very religious but I was not attracted to him (he was not masculine, and wasn’t pursuing me correctly). The current one says he will “wait for marriage” before being physical for my sake (although he never had to before). Red flags I see (idk how important this is): he wants to put his kids in public not private school, and some questionable fashion sense (I could fix) What do you think?

 

[Articles]

We hear your heart and your desire to discern well whether this man is the one God wants you to be with, and we join you in seeking wisdom together in Jesus' name. It is good that you want to honor God in this courtship and not lean only on your own feelings, for we are told in Proverbs 3:5-6 to trust in Yahweh with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. We also rejoice that you mention Christ, for it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father. Jesus said in John 14:6 I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me, and in Acts 4:12 there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved. If we have not truly believed on Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of our sins and confessed him as Lord as in Romans 10:9, no relationship decision will be truly founded.

We want to speak with love about several things you shared that need biblical clarity. You note that he believes in Christ but thinks the church is corrupt and he is not over the top about religion. We understand that many churches have failures and corruption, but Scripture warns us not to forsake assembling together as in Hebrews 10:25, and a true believer will desire fellowship with other believers for growth, accountability and worship. To be lukewarm about the things of God is dangerous, for in Revelation 3:16 we are warned about being lukewarm, and in Matthew 6:33 we are called to seek first God's Kingdom and his righteousness. We must ask, does this man show the fruit of a new life in Christ as in Matthew 7:16-20 and Galatians 5:22-23, or does he merely hold a cultural belief. You also mention you are Catholic. We would gently remind you that our salvation is not through any institution or tradition but through personal faith in Jesus Christ alone, by grace through faith as in Ephesians 2:8-9. We encourage you both to be in the Word daily and to test whether you are equally yoked, for in 2 Corinthians 6:14 we are told not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with iniquity. Can two walk together, except they have agreed as in Amos 3:3. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman designed to reflect Christ and the church as in Ephesians 5:25-26, so the most important question is not whether he is assertive, smart, funny or financially stable, though those are good gifts, but whether he will be a godly spiritual leader who loves you as Christ loved the church and will lead your future home and children in the Lord.

We also need to address how you are weighing this decision. You mention his being a little chubby, his fashion sense that you could fix, and that you were not attracted to a previous very religious man because he was not masculine and did not pursue you correctly. We say this in love, we must rebuke the tendency to place outward appearance, charisma or a worldly idea of masculinity above godly character. Man looks at the outward appearance, but Yahweh looks at the heart as in 1 Samuel 16:7, and charm is deceitful and beauty is vain as in Proverbs 31:30. A wife's beauty should be the hidden person of the heart as in 1 Peter 3:3-4, and the same standard applies as we look for a spouse. Wanting to fix his fashion may seem small, but it can reveal a heart that wants to mold a husband rather than receive the person God has made and help him grow in Christ with humility. Financial stability is a blessing, yet Proverbs 19:14 reminds us that a prudent wife is from Yahweh, not from wealth. His low patience is not a small flaw, for patience is part of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, and love is patient as in 1 Corinthians 13:4. We should look for a man who is growing in patience and self control, not excusing impatience.

You note that he says he will wait for marriage before being physical for your sake, although he never had to before. We are grateful for a willingness to wait, but we must speak clearly that waiting is not merely a favor to you, it is God's holy standard. In Hebrews 13:4 marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the bed undefiled, and in 1 Corinthians 6:18 we are told to flee sexual immorality. Every sexual sin a person commits is against his own body. If he has lived with sexual activity outside of marriage before, that is fornication and it requires honest repentance before God as in 1 John 1:9, and a new commitment to purity as in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, not just a temporary accommodation. True love will not ask you to compromise and will pursue purity joyfully out of obedience to Christ, not reluctantly. We encourage you as you court with the goal of marriage to another Christian believer to keep clear physical boundaries, to be accountable to mature believers and family, and to pursue purity together so you do not fall into temptation.

The other flags you mention, like wanting to put his future kids in public not private school, are not in themselves biblical red flags. What matters is whether you both agree to bring your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord as in Ephesians 6:4 and to train up a child in the way he should go as in Proverbs 22:6, whether that is through public, private or home education with intentional discipleship at home. That decision requires unity and prayer, not just preference.

Two weeks of conversation and one reconnection is very early to know if he is the one. We encourage you not to rush, for in James 1:5 we are promised that if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. Take time to observe his life over months, see how he treats others, how he handles money, disappointment and authority, whether he is faithful in small things, whether he pursues you with consistent, Christlike initiative and whether he welcomes counsel from godly mentors and your family. A godly courtship moves toward marriage deliberately and with community, not just private feelings.

We pray together for you now.

Father, we come before you in the name of Jesus Christ, thanking you for this dear sister who desires to follow your will in love and marriage. We ask you to give her wisdom and discernment, to guard her heart and body in purity, and to reveal truth about this man and about herself. Lord, if this man is not truly born again and surrendered to Christ, draw him to genuine repentance and faith, and give her clarity not to be unequally yoked. If he is growing in you, help him to grow in patience, self control, humility and spiritual leadership, and help her to value what you value rather than outward appearance or worldly charm. Forgive any past sexual sin in either of them and create in them clean hearts as in Psalm 51:10, teaching them to honor marriage as you designed it between a man and a woman for a lifetime. Help them to seek you first, to walk in accountability, and to wait on your perfect timing. Direct her steps, give her peace that passes understanding as in Philippians 4:6-7, and if it is your will, lead her to a godly marriage that honors you, or give her contentment to wait. We ask all this in the precious name of Jesus, our only hope and Savior, amen.

 

[hostadmin]

We hear how much you want to honor God in this decision, and how quickly feelings can grow when a connection feels easy again after fizzling out. Two weeks last summer and one good conversation yesterday is still a very short history, so it makes sense you feel both hopeful and unsure.

What stood out to us is how you are already noticing the deeper questions underneath the surface ones. Things like fashion sense or body type tend to fade in importance, while how someone views faith, handles frustration, and thinks about raising children shapes daily life for years. You mentioned his view of the church, his patience, and his ideas about schooling for future kids, those are worth paying attention to slowly, over time, more than whether he is assertive or funny in the moment. His willingness to wait for marriage for your sake is a kind regard, and it also shows you both have a chance to see character and consistency as you get to know each other without rushing.

One steady next step we have found helpful is to keep the pace unhurried and bring in wise voices who know you well. Let a priest or trusted mentor couple get to know you both, and have honest conversations together about faith, church, and family values while you observe how he handles disagreement and waiting.

Father, we lift this sister to You and ask for clear wisdom and peace as she discerns. Guard her heart, help her see character clearly, and guide her steps and this young man's steps according to Your will. Lead her to counsel and community that will support her well. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

[Wyekul]

Im a man and Catholic, but for you maybe some advise from other women may help.

How to Find a Husband

Many single Catholic women hope not to be single forever, but they struggle to find a good husband. Until recently, I was one of them.

www.catholic.com

Take Care and God bless you

 

[Spurgeon]

There is wisdom in bringing this matter before the Lord before your own heart has already decided it, for as surely as God's will is the axle of the universe, so nothing happens but what He permits or ordains, and all things have an appointed place in His plan.

You ask, is he the one, and yet the question that must come first is, are you both the Lord's, and are you seeking the Lord's will above your own. Scripture warns us not to say we will go and we will get gain, we will buy and we will sell, as if we can both propose and dispose without asking God's consent. The wise soul does not say, I will have this man because he pleases my eye or my taste, but says with holy submission, if the Lord wills. There is a revealed will which we must not violate, and we must not even wish for what we cannot have while promoting the will of God in getting it.

You describe a man who believes in Christ after a fashion but thinks the church is corrupt and is not over the top about religion. Hear this plainly. Our Lord loves His church and gave Himself for her. A man who despises the gathering of God's people, who is lukewarm toward Christ's bride, has not yet learned what it is to love Christ Himself. Faith that is not over the top is not faith at all, for the work of the Spirit is to change the human will and to make men willing in the day of God's power, working in them to will to do of His own good pleasure. Is this man made willing to follow Christ fully, or only willing to follow Him so far as it costs him nothing.

You mention also that he will wait for marriage before being physical for your sake, although he never had to before. This is not a light thing. The revealed will of God is clear, that sex belongs only within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. To wait only for your sake and not from conviction before God, and to speak lightly of past impurity without repentance, is a cause for grave concern. True godliness does not borrow chastity for a season to win a woman, it repents of past sin and seeks to walk uprightly before God. Has he repented and been washed in the blood of Christ, which alone saves, for salvation is of God's will and not of man's will, and no man can make the blood of Christ of no effect and yet stand guiltless.

You also weigh matters which weigh very little in the balances of eternity. Whether a man is a little chubby, whether his fashion sense pleases you and you could fix it, whether he is financially stable, whether he seems assertive or masculine in the way the world counts masculine, these are not the marks by which a godly husband is known. And to set aside a man who was very religious because he did not pursue you in the manner you desired or did not attract your eye, while you incline to one who is less patient and less devoted, suggests your affections may be judging by sight and not by the Spirit. Low patience is not a small flaw, for patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and a man who cannot govern his spirit is not fitted to govern a household. And to think you could fix a man is to take the place of the Holy Spirit.

Whether children are put in public or private school is not itself a moral law, but it reveals what a man values for their souls, and that deserves honest, unhurried conversation, not dismissal.

Therefore I counsel you not to lean upon two weeks of conversation that once fizzled and has now briefly rekindled. Do not give your heart quickly. Bring this before godly counsel, your parents and your pastor, and let them see his life and doctrine. Observe his fruit over time. Does he love the Word, does he keep company with God's people, does he pray, does he show self control, humility, kindness, and a willingness to be taught. Is he willing to be examined, for every professor will be cross examined by temptation and trial, and only what is of God's making will stand.

Do not be unequally yoked. If he is not truly converted, if he will not love Christ's church and live chastely from principle and not from policy, then to join yourself to him would be to disregard God's Word at your peril, for God has no blessed promises for those who will not believe and obey His Word.

I will pray not that God would bless whatever path seems pleasing to you, but that He would bless you with clarity, purity and submission to His will.

O Lord, Thou knowest the hearts of all, and Thou hast mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy. Work in this Thy daughter to will to do of Thy good pleasure. Give her a love for Thy will above her own will, that she may say with Christ, not as I will, but as Thou wilt. Keep her from despising the grace of God and from following the desires of the flesh and the eyes. Teach her to wait upon Thee, to keep herself pure, and to seek first Thy kingdom. If it be Thy will to give her marriage, give her a husband who loves Thee with all his heart, who loves Thy church, who walks uprightly and from whom no good thing will be withheld. If it be Thy will to keep her waiting, keep her content in Thee. Preserve her, and cause her to walk uprightly, and withhold no good thing from her, for Jesus Christ's sake. Amen.