M
Michael
Guest
I haven't left a request here in a long time but I feel that I need God's help. Last night it was raining and I went outside and tried talking to God. Sometimes when I talk to God during a rain or storm it just feels like He is there. Anyways I just vented as I will to you all here and hope, as I hoped last night, that I am not simply talking to the wind as I grow tired of silence always being the response I'm given.
I am very unhappy with my life. I don't even feel like I am alive anymore. Yeah, of course there are people out there with worse situations. People who don't have many of the things I do, but that knowledge doesn't console me. I think when we all have problems they become so important because they are OUR problems. Like I was saying, My life just feels empty. Last year my girlfriend of 3 years left me out of the blue, I lost my job, started having some health problems, etc. I was just like my whole life fell apart and I struggled to find a reason for it all. That reason has never come and I still struggle to pull together my life again.
Just going through some of the list in my head...
1. I got another job since last year but it is working part-time at Home Depot on the overnight freight team. It's hot, dirty, and difficult job. The working nights part of it has really just increased my unhappiness as I have essentially become a vampire. All I do is go to work, come home and sleep all day. I injured my elbow at work as well and it has not gotten completely better since February because I can never rest it. On top of all that the job only pays $8.50 an hour. I can hardly live on that. Every attempt to find another job or get switched to the day crew has failed and I don't know what to do.
2. Loneliness. Since my ex left I have felt like a part of me is gone. I tried to get her back at first but she wouldn't have anything to do with me. I then tried to just be a friend and she broke all ties with me. Fine, that's her choice. Now she's pregnant by the guy she's been seeing so you can imagine how it might feel to have love for someone who abandoned you and got knocked up by someone else. I guess there is a part of me that wants her back but at the same time there is a part of me that doesn't. I will always love her but abandoning me the way she did was horrible. The thing is I can't see any future relationships in my life. I have little to no friends and don't spend any time with anyone outside of work. I'm 35, no kids, no wife, no girlfriend, with a lousy job. The future doesn't look good for me and I am lonely.
3. My house. I got this house about 4 or 5 years ago. At the time I enjoyed making it to what it is with my then girlfriend. She didn't live with me but her influence was there. Making this house a home used to be a great new adventure as it is my first house but now I just can't stand it at times. It is like a tomb to me. All the good times and memories I have had here are now bittersweet and are like bad memories now. I don't enjoy being here. If I try to sell it I will have to go live with my parents in the meantime and though I am welcome there, it will just feel like I am taking yet another step in the wrong direction.
I just feel unhappy with my life. I feel stuck. It's like there is this piece of me that is just gone and no matter what I do it never comes back. I asked God to help me, but deep down nothing seems to change. Sometimes I wonder if I am just talking to the wind as God never seems to answer. All my life I have had a relationship with God but now, when it feels like I need him the most it feels like He has abandoned me too.
I look back at some of my posts and they all seem so sad and negative and I realize that is how I must always come across as I only seem to post when I am in a crisis. I wish that wasn't the case as I am not always this way. Especially in person. As for this post...I don't know what I am asking you all for. Understanding? Prayers? I don't know. I realize this post is kind of all over the place but I just know I felt the need to express my feelings about all this because I feel like it's killing me slowly but surely and I need God's help.
I am very unhappy with my life. I don't even feel like I am alive anymore. Yeah, of course there are people out there with worse situations. People who don't have many of the things I do, but that knowledge doesn't console me. I think when we all have problems they become so important because they are OUR problems. Like I was saying, My life just feels empty. Last year my girlfriend of 3 years left me out of the blue, I lost my job, started having some health problems, etc. I was just like my whole life fell apart and I struggled to find a reason for it all. That reason has never come and I still struggle to pull together my life again.
Just going through some of the list in my head...
1. I got another job since last year but it is working part-time at Home Depot on the overnight freight team. It's hot, dirty, and difficult job. The working nights part of it has really just increased my unhappiness as I have essentially become a vampire. All I do is go to work, come home and sleep all day. I injured my elbow at work as well and it has not gotten completely better since February because I can never rest it. On top of all that the job only pays $8.50 an hour. I can hardly live on that. Every attempt to find another job or get switched to the day crew has failed and I don't know what to do.
2. Loneliness. Since my ex left I have felt like a part of me is gone. I tried to get her back at first but she wouldn't have anything to do with me. I then tried to just be a friend and she broke all ties with me. Fine, that's her choice. Now she's pregnant by the guy she's been seeing so you can imagine how it might feel to have love for someone who abandoned you and got knocked up by someone else. I guess there is a part of me that wants her back but at the same time there is a part of me that doesn't. I will always love her but abandoning me the way she did was horrible. The thing is I can't see any future relationships in my life. I have little to no friends and don't spend any time with anyone outside of work. I'm 35, no kids, no wife, no girlfriend, with a lousy job. The future doesn't look good for me and I am lonely.
3. My house. I got this house about 4 or 5 years ago. At the time I enjoyed making it to what it is with my then girlfriend. She didn't live with me but her influence was there. Making this house a home used to be a great new adventure as it is my first house but now I just can't stand it at times. It is like a tomb to me. All the good times and memories I have had here are now bittersweet and are like bad memories now. I don't enjoy being here. If I try to sell it I will have to go live with my parents in the meantime and though I am welcome there, it will just feel like I am taking yet another step in the wrong direction.
I just feel unhappy with my life. I feel stuck. It's like there is this piece of me that is just gone and no matter what I do it never comes back. I asked God to help me, but deep down nothing seems to change. Sometimes I wonder if I am just talking to the wind as God never seems to answer. All my life I have had a relationship with God but now, when it feels like I need him the most it feels like He has abandoned me too.
I look back at some of my posts and they all seem so sad and negative and I realize that is how I must always come across as I only seem to post when I am in a crisis. I wish that wasn't the case as I am not always this way. Especially in person. As for this post...I don't know what I am asking you all for. Understanding? Prayers? I don't know. I realize this post is kind of all over the place but I just know I felt the need to express my feelings about all this because I feel like it's killing me slowly but surely and I need God's help.
