looken4thelite
Humble Prayer Partner
I truly believe that my life was a mistake and never meant to be, also I curse the day I was born and seriously wonder if I am even part of the human race. I have never belonged anywhere or with anyone. I don't know what it feels like to be loved, or even liked. I was born to a single mom, & have never known my dad. I have four sisters but every day of my life my mother beat me, either physically or emotionally, and only me, not ever any of my four sisters, all from different fathers. My sisters, over the years rallied together with my mom against me. I remember endless days of telling myself ("Today, I'm going to be so good and make my family love me.") But the days came and passed and it never happened. They even had dozens of pictures of me crying in the family photos, me crying at every age. It felt as though they all abused me. I never felt like I belonged to my family and or that how could I have been so terrible to be the only one that got beat? I have no memories of my mother holding me on her lap or holding my hand or hugging me or any benevolent memories of any kind. I was raped by one of my mom's husbands at 7, and that same year my mom offered me up as a sacrifice in her black magic. When I got older and bigger, 15 years old, I caught my mother's hand from striking me and so the hitting stopped that day, but the emotional abuse just kicked in even harder. I got pregnant as a teen with a guy who didn't love me and left me, two years later my family disappeared leaving me with a baby and nowhere to go. Got home from work with my baby boy to find an empty apartment, we slept in the car and I carried all night, and just cradled my baby, a neighbor took us in the next morning until I could find an apartment. Later I had my second baby outside of marriage, a girl my son was now 7, her dad had a very prosperous accounting business, but he too was very abusive, and after three years of horrible fighting and two suicide attempts, I left him shortly after my daughter was born, he offered to pay me enough money to be a stay-at-home mom as messed up as I was, I was a very loving and attentive mom and good housekeeper. Couple years later I had a third daughter, he too was very abusive, and left me alone with now three children. I loved my children more than life, and gave them 100% of myself, My life revolved around them, I never did anything right, and no one ever stayed and I never knew or felt unconditional love. But I was a very loving and caring mother and treated all three the same. I never wanted any of them to know the pain I had known.
I raised my kids with God and baptized them all and I knew what it was to be happy for about ten years. Then I fell away from the church, and then God. Over the last eight years, I lost our home as my health had been going downhill, my depression got so bad that I was put on disability due to depression. Five years ago my oldest daughter left me and went to her dad's and never even called... ever! She just cut me out like a cancer, I went into a deeper depression after that and got ulcers. Two years ago my youngest daughter got gang-raped by four monsters, it nearly killed me. All I could do was just hold her and rock her, night after night. I developed bleeding ulcers and lost 20 pounds. and watched my daughter, an A+ student, go from a young girl who couldn't concentrate at all and barely made D's, along with pulling her hair and banging her head into the walls. It felt like she was on fire and I couldn't put her out, and I had no one, none at all to hold, or even ask me (how are you doing?) It happened on Valentine's Day and when my son came home from college that summer, I begged him to stay and finish the last six months online. He agreed, then I finally just collapsed. What I do not have time to add in is all of the horrible things that had happened to me personally during the last 30 years, it would fill a whole book easily. I'll just say this, I had several breakdowns alone and at home because I didn't or couldn't leave my kids, or risk the chance of anyone knowing how bad I was doing inside, so I just kept pushing through. Anyway when my daughter was raped it felt as though I had lost her, but kept praying with counseling and time she would come back around. Also her dad started visiting with her after that. And she really wanted that. So I was so happy that she was finally getting that. She deserved everything. Now that she had her brother and her dad, I felt that I could slip away emotionally I guess, and I did. Little did I know that soon after her graduation he would take her from me forever, just like my older daughter, So my older daughter, and both of my ex's of my two girls had been plotting to take Alissa from me that summer. They did, that August, and I have not heard her voice or saw her face since she left, and no one to this day will even tell me why? They all knew that I was very sick, bleeding ulcers and an intestinal blockage, and severe depression, not to mention, that they knew that I was completely in poverty and had no husband, boyfriend, family, or even a friend. They all knew that I had NOTHING, and had lost so much over the years that losing Alissa would just kill me, they all knew that she was the apple of my eye. After she left, I lost another 25 pounds And the only thing in the world I had, except for her older brother, and my ex had tried years before to get him to leave me as well. So I rededicated my life to God four months ago. Last month they found a growth in my ovaries, and as I have been in constant pain, mentally and physically, my son emailed Alissa and told her (that mom is very sick, and has found growths in her ovaries, and please contact your mother please.) she never replied, she doesn't care if I am dead or alive, she just doesn't care at all, and this just is more than I can bear. Far too many losses and heartbreaks. I hate myself, I feel there is no reason for my existence, and most all of my years on earth have been filled with pain and rejection, and failure. So last week I finally told my Bible group about what had happened and asked for prayer for my son and I who are both going through hell, as we have just learned that she is working five blocks from where we live, and I just can not bear this depth of pain any longer. My son and I have no one in the world. And now that I asked them to pray for us, the leader of the group was a pastor for 50 years, and he says that most people will never go through this much their whole lives, and he's only heard a portion of all that I've been through, and they made me to feel even worse, like a leper, or something, I feel so unworthy and as if I have nothing to offer in this world, and that I must be a useless piece of toilet paper that my daughters can just toss me to the curb without a second thought. Life has just reached a point of complete unbearableness. Even God's people can't understand or be there for me. The lady from the group the next day at Bible study told me that my son is going to leave me too! I don't understand anything. And I really thought I was walking with God this last four months, closer that I ever had before. I don't understand this life at all, and nothing makes sense.
I raised my kids with God and baptized them all and I knew what it was to be happy for about ten years. Then I fell away from the church, and then God. Over the last eight years, I lost our home as my health had been going downhill, my depression got so bad that I was put on disability due to depression. Five years ago my oldest daughter left me and went to her dad's and never even called... ever! She just cut me out like a cancer, I went into a deeper depression after that and got ulcers. Two years ago my youngest daughter got gang-raped by four monsters, it nearly killed me. All I could do was just hold her and rock her, night after night. I developed bleeding ulcers and lost 20 pounds. and watched my daughter, an A+ student, go from a young girl who couldn't concentrate at all and barely made D's, along with pulling her hair and banging her head into the walls. It felt like she was on fire and I couldn't put her out, and I had no one, none at all to hold, or even ask me (how are you doing?) It happened on Valentine's Day and when my son came home from college that summer, I begged him to stay and finish the last six months online. He agreed, then I finally just collapsed. What I do not have time to add in is all of the horrible things that had happened to me personally during the last 30 years, it would fill a whole book easily. I'll just say this, I had several breakdowns alone and at home because I didn't or couldn't leave my kids, or risk the chance of anyone knowing how bad I was doing inside, so I just kept pushing through. Anyway when my daughter was raped it felt as though I had lost her, but kept praying with counseling and time she would come back around. Also her dad started visiting with her after that. And she really wanted that. So I was so happy that she was finally getting that. She deserved everything. Now that she had her brother and her dad, I felt that I could slip away emotionally I guess, and I did. Little did I know that soon after her graduation he would take her from me forever, just like my older daughter, So my older daughter, and both of my ex's of my two girls had been plotting to take Alissa from me that summer. They did, that August, and I have not heard her voice or saw her face since she left, and no one to this day will even tell me why? They all knew that I was very sick, bleeding ulcers and an intestinal blockage, and severe depression, not to mention, that they knew that I was completely in poverty and had no husband, boyfriend, family, or even a friend. They all knew that I had NOTHING, and had lost so much over the years that losing Alissa would just kill me, they all knew that she was the apple of my eye. After she left, I lost another 25 pounds And the only thing in the world I had, except for her older brother, and my ex had tried years before to get him to leave me as well. So I rededicated my life to God four months ago. Last month they found a growth in my ovaries, and as I have been in constant pain, mentally and physically, my son emailed Alissa and told her (that mom is very sick, and has found growths in her ovaries, and please contact your mother please.) she never replied, she doesn't care if I am dead or alive, she just doesn't care at all, and this just is more than I can bear. Far too many losses and heartbreaks. I hate myself, I feel there is no reason for my existence, and most all of my years on earth have been filled with pain and rejection, and failure. So last week I finally told my Bible group about what had happened and asked for prayer for my son and I who are both going through hell, as we have just learned that she is working five blocks from where we live, and I just can not bear this depth of pain any longer. My son and I have no one in the world. And now that I asked them to pray for us, the leader of the group was a pastor for 50 years, and he says that most people will never go through this much their whole lives, and he's only heard a portion of all that I've been through, and they made me to feel even worse, like a leper, or something, I feel so unworthy and as if I have nothing to offer in this world, and that I must be a useless piece of toilet paper that my daughters can just toss me to the curb without a second thought. Life has just reached a point of complete unbearableness. Even God's people can't understand or be there for me. The lady from the group the next day at Bible study told me that my son is going to leave me too! I don't understand anything. And I really thought I was walking with God this last four months, closer that I ever had before. I don't understand this life at all, and nothing makes sense.
