I don't want to die please help me god

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I have lived for 26 years now.
I'm incapable, depressed, lazy, faithless, but I have a lot of desire.
I'm trash.
All I want is vain, useless, belong to this world, trivial compared to God's plan, and Satan's to be destroyed. That's what people say.
But I really want it badly.
I've given up on everything else, but for this time only, God, do me a favor.
Give me proof that you didn't abandon me.

People tell me to leave all my sovereignty to my father.
But I can't.
God has never granted my wish.

God, please help me.
If you don't grant me this wish, I have no choice but to kill myself - I don't have energy to live.
But I don't want to die.
I want to see the face of God.

I know that I'm selfish and have no faith, and I know this prayer doesn't align with your will.
Everyone points fingers at me, and my family and pastor are sick of me.
But if you know how I feel, God help me.
If you grant my wish this time, I will trust you forever.
But if you don't, I will surely die.

Please help me.
Don't... I feel the exact same way. Everyday I hope for death, but He doesn't want me to go yet. But suicide can't be undone. It's an eternal death sentence... guaranteed.

I can't tell you anything but that I love you. We only have each other down here is what I've seen. I don't have to ever meet you to love you. I don't want you to take your life.
 

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