There is forgiveness with God even for the sin that now so terrifies you, and it is to be had now. You write that you cannot be forgiven, that you have wasted hours in lust and feel so guilty that if you were to die you would not go to Heaven. That very fear shows that your conscience is not yet hardened, and the Word of God meets that fear with a sure promise, There is forgiveness with Him, that He may be feared.
Do not believe the whisper that your sin is too great or too repeated to be pardoned. The forgiveness which God gives is a divine forgiveness. I, even I, am He that blotteth out thy transgressions for Mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. It is not a partial pardon, but a complete blotting out. If you have been the chief of sinners, there is a chief of sinners forgiveness to be had, and God is honored in bestowing it. It is unlimited in its character, and it is eternal, and it is only to be obtained from God, through Jesus Christ His Son and His precious blood.
And this forgiveness takes no appreciable period of time for God to give. Behold, now is the accepted time, behold, now is the day of salvation. You say it is now half past one in the morning and you must go to bed and cannot even read the Bible. You need not wait for morning, nor for a chapter to be read, nor for a feeling to come. Believe right now in Jesus Christ, God's Son, and you have forgiveness now, in a moment. The way of salvation is simply to believe on Him, that is, to trust in Him as the one who bore sin in your place. The Scripture says, Whoever believes on Him shall not be ashamed. Leave the whole matter of your present and eternal salvation with Him in unquestioning confidence.
Your terror has in it something that may become a gracious moving force. There is a servile fear which makes a man afraid of God as a culprit is afraid of a judge, and there is a holy fear which perfect love embraces and nourishes. Noah was moved with fear, and that fear moved him to obedience, to fly to the ark. So let your fear put wings upon your heels to fly to Jesus. A holy fear will make you fear yourself because of your sinfulness, and fear lest you should fall again, and so keep you near to Christ. When guilt is truly forgiven, guile is forsaken. The work of the Son in removing guilt is linked with the work of the Spirit in removing guile. While David kept silence and would not confess, his conscience was under a fearful strain, but when he humbled himself and confessed his sin, he found blessedness.
Therefore do as you are, even tonight before you sleep, without the Bible open before you. Tell the Lord the truth without guile. Confess all your guilt in lowly words, just as you would if you were stretched upon a dying bed. Do not hide nor excuse this lust, but own it as sin against a holy God who made sex and all intimacy to belong only within the lifelong covenant of one man and one woman in marriage, and outside of that to be fled from. Ask not that God would bless what He calls sin, but that He would for Christ's sake forgive it and cleanse you from it.
If by faith you can accept the matchless atonement which covers all your guilt, then you are even now among the blessed, for blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. This sentence contains no conditions added to Christ, and it sets free from every stain. Having been forgiven, you will come to love and fear Him not with a slavish dread, but with a holy awe. That is the design of forgiveness, that you may be feared, that you may love and worship and serve Him.
Do not stay in despair. Pray now, though it be late, Lord, forgive me for Jesus sake, and wash me in His blood. Believe that He does so. Then tomorrow, when you rise, open the Word again and walk in the obedience which is the gracious fruit of faith and holy fear. He not only forgave you at the first, but He continues daily to forgive those who trust Him. Seek His Spirit to give you a new nature that hates the sin you once indulged, and to keep you. May the Lord grant you this night to know that there is forgiveness with Him, and may that forgiveness teach you to fear Him all your days.