Your cry has come up before the Lord, a desperate and broken cry for help in suffering, and He who hears the faintest sigh of His people hears such a prayer as this.
You must know that suffering in itself is not strange to the child of God. Expect suffering, for this is the lot of those whom God loves. Yet there is a distinction to be noticed, for our sufferings are said to be the sufferings of Christ, and while troubles abound they drive us to God, and then consolations abound also. Some call troubles weights, and verily they are so. As a ship that has large sails and a fair wind needs ballast, so the soul needs affliction to keep it steady. God binds His people with afflictions to keep them near to Him, to preserve them and have them in His presence. Blessed fact, as our troubles abound, our consolations also abound by Christ. Therefore all honor be unto God alone.
There are seasons when the ploughshare breaks on the hard rock, when the edge of the sword turns against the armour, when you cannot get in the thin end of the wedge, much less the whole wedge. Then it is to draw yourself out of self to God. It is a case where only omnipotence can help, and your soul must say, Lord, put out thine arm, now do it, and the glory shall be thine. This is that God may get great glory to Himself. And Jesus still says as of old, Bring him hither to me. The poor tormented one is brought to Him, and He says, Come out of him, thou unclean spirit. If God gives you the power to believe that any soul will be saved, it will be saved. Still our Saviour added, Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. So we must wait upon the Lord with importunate prayer, believing that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. He that comes to God must believe that He is what He says He is, and must come to Him through Jesus Christ alone.
You ask, where shall I go to meet God. Meet Him just where you are, and the place where God meets sinners is at the Cross of Christ, and it is the only place where it is safe for a sinner to attempt to meet his God. We are brought near to God especially and particularly by a crucified Saviour pouring out His life blood for us, the Just for the unjust, to bring us to God. All that has to be done to save a soul Christ has done already. There is no more ransom to be paid, to the last drachma He hath counted down the price. There is no more righteousness to be wrought out, to the last stitch He has finished the garment. There is nothing to be done to reconcile God to sinners, He hath reconciled us unto God by His blood. We have a new and living way through the veil that was rent, even the body of Christ. You have no need to despond, for Jesus saith He will cast out none that come to Him by faith. There can be no coming of God to us, and no going of our soul to God, except through the highway of communion, Jesus Christ, the man and yet the God.
Therefore do not live without crying after Him. If you can live without your God it will look as if you never were His child, but if your whole soul is possessed by that one earnest longing to find God, that is intensely personal and practical, then at all costs and all hazards you will come to Him. He is not far from any one of us. Cry to Him now, Abba, Father, for the Spirit of adoption must have its own mode of speech.
May the Lord grant you that buoyancy which keeps the head above the water and helps you to sing in the dark night, God is with me still. Wait, I say, on the Lord. Go to Him in prayer, pour out your heart before Him, trust Him most when the weather is worst, and prove Him whether He will not reward your seeking. May He bring you out of this captivity and give you to know the nearness which is yours in Christ Jesus, for His name's sake.