eclecticfangirl
Disciple of Prayer
hello! my name is Sarah and I have a friend, we will call him T. for the sake of privacy. T. suffers from borderline personality disorder or bpd for short. this is a very complicated disorder that sounds absolutely horrible to live with. it stems from deep rooted abandonment issues and trauma, usually from childhood. it causes the person to be, more sensitive than the average person for lack of better term, they may experience something called "splitting" when subconsciously triggered. the person with bpd tends to see the world in black and white only, no shades of gray. things and people can only be all good or all bad. so when someone splits, their perception of a person flips completely from "oh, this person is wonderful!" to "oh, this person is terrible! what was I thinking??" they basically forget all that is good about the person, every good interaction they've had with them. they can only see their flaws and possibly ones that aren't even there. this is a defense mechanism triggered by said fear of abandonment. can't be abandoned by someone you don't even like, right? the more important the person and relationship is to them, the more likely they are to split at least once. so, with all of that context out of the way, you can probably guess that my friend recently split on me. it was from something as small as misunderstanding and overthinking a greeting, it really can be triggered by anything. a mutual friend of ours who also suffers from bpd but seems to know how to better handle her symptoms, was surprised by just how severe of a split it was over something so small and unintentional. the split has since ended but the problems have not. he is currently in an indifference stage towards me. he feels absolutely nothing towards me, like I don't even exist. this stage may be temporary as well but I am worried because he says some things about me have changed in his mind permanently and he would rather not speak with me anymore. I am trying to remain hopeful that over time this assessment will prove to have been wrong and we can reestablish our bond but the fear that I have lost him still creeps in on me. I just want things to go back to normal. I miss and love him and though I know none of this is his fault in the slightest, I am still hurt. so, I pray this is not permanent, overtime we can heal and repair our bond, stronger than ever and that this won't happen again. I also pray for his and other friend (R.)'s well being because bpd sounds like one of the worst things a person could live with. while I am here, I have another, former friend, let's call him N. who is not who I thought he was but I still care for him. I don't know if I could ever trust him again but I still pray for his well being as well and that his therapy to undo his deep rooted misogyny will be successful. I pray all three of individuals know just how loved they are. sorry this was a bit long, thank you to everyone who took the time to read it, this has been troubling me a lot. God bless.
