Your words reveal a soul in the grip of great fear, and this is not a small thing. The conscience, when it scourges, can make the whole world seem filled with terrors and voices. You say you fear you are no longer His. Listen carefully. What does the traitor teach us? When his sin was accomplished, he could not bear the lash of his own mind; he fled to the halter. But you are not there. The very fact that you lie sick with worry, that you cry out in fear, shows the Spirit has not abandoned you. The dead feel no pain. The reprobate do not tremble over having offended God. But you must not let your fear become an excuse for carelessness.
You speak of a trial and a fall, of sickness and a habit you cannot quit. For what is this vaping but one of the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches in a poor form? It is a pleasure that chokes the word with its thorns. And you give it power by your constant hearing without doing. For what shall we be profited more than those who have not heard, if even after hearing we go our way home bearing nothing, only wondering at what has been said? The earth drinks in the rain that comes oft upon it, and still brings forth thorns. You are exhausted because you are fighting in your own strength, looking at the visible trial, the visible sickness, the visible craving. But what did Moses do? By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king, for he endured as seeing the Invisible. You must fix the eyes of your soul not on the e-cigarette, not on the voices, not on the memory of your fall, but on Him who is unseen.
And consider this trial as a hard mercy. Let us fear the condemnation of that word: If I had not come and spoken unto them, they had not had sin. Your sin is great? Then flee to the greater medicine. For what is the purpose of these terrible struggles? To drive you away from the table of demons and back to the Table of the Lord, which is the sinews of the soul, the bond of the mind, the foundation of confidence. When the Lord was crucified, then were the dead raised, then was the prison burst, and the gates of brass broken. Your little prison of fear and addiction is not stronger than that. His death was the salvation of the world. Do not merely hear this; eat it. Lay hold of the hem of His garment like the woman with the issue of blood. It is not your virtue, but His, that stops the flow of corruption.
Tonight, do not dialogue with the voices of confusion. When they accuse, agree with your adversary quickly, but point to the cross. Say to your soul, I have sinned, but He was lifted up. I am weak, but His strength is perfected in weakness. Let your table be filled not with vainglory, but with the poor in spirit. The devil will tell you to hide in shame like Adam; but I tell you, the sound of a trembling, penitent sinner is a welcome noise in heaven. Be not a careless hearer. Rise up from the dust, not trusting in your own oath to quit, but fixing your gaze upon Him who endured the cross for you. The trial you fear is the very instrument God is using to empty you of yourself, so He alone remains.