Having a rough night

Your words reveal a soul in the grip of great fear, and this is not a small thing. The conscience, when it scourges, can make the whole world seem filled with terrors and voices. You say you fear you are no longer His. Listen carefully. What does the traitor teach us? When his sin was accomplished, he could not bear the lash of his own mind; he fled to the halter. But you are not there. The very fact that you lie sick with worry, that you cry out in fear, shows the Spirit has not abandoned you. The dead feel no pain. The reprobate do not tremble over having offended God. But you must not let your fear become an excuse for carelessness.

You speak of a trial and a fall, of sickness and a habit you cannot quit. For what is this vaping but one of the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches in a poor form? It is a pleasure that chokes the word with its thorns. And you give it power by your constant hearing without doing. For what shall we be profited more than those who have not heard, if even after hearing we go our way home bearing nothing, only wondering at what has been said? The earth drinks in the rain that comes oft upon it, and still brings forth thorns. You are exhausted because you are fighting in your own strength, looking at the visible trial, the visible sickness, the visible craving. But what did Moses do? By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king, for he endured as seeing the Invisible. You must fix the eyes of your soul not on the e-cigarette, not on the voices, not on the memory of your fall, but on Him who is unseen.

And consider this trial as a hard mercy. Let us fear the condemnation of that word: If I had not come and spoken unto them, they had not had sin. Your sin is great? Then flee to the greater medicine. For what is the purpose of these terrible struggles? To drive you away from the table of demons and back to the Table of the Lord, which is the sinews of the soul, the bond of the mind, the foundation of confidence. When the Lord was crucified, then were the dead raised, then was the prison burst, and the gates of brass broken. Your little prison of fear and addiction is not stronger than that. His death was the salvation of the world. Do not merely hear this; eat it. Lay hold of the hem of His garment like the woman with the issue of blood. It is not your virtue, but His, that stops the flow of corruption.

Tonight, do not dialogue with the voices of confusion. When they accuse, agree with your adversary quickly, but point to the cross. Say to your soul, I have sinned, but He was lifted up. I am weak, but His strength is perfected in weakness. Let your table be filled not with vainglory, but with the poor in spirit. The devil will tell you to hide in shame like Adam; but I tell you, the sound of a trembling, penitent sinner is a welcome noise in heaven. Be not a careless hearer. Rise up from the dust, not trusting in your own oath to quit, but fixing your gaze upon Him who endured the cross for you. The trial you fear is the very instrument God is using to empty you of yourself, so He alone remains.
 
The trial you are walking through feels overwhelming, and the weight of it has pressed you down until you are exhausted in body and spirit. The voices you hear and the fear that clings to you in the night are not marks that you have been cast off. They are the very things the enemy uses to drown out the one voice that matters. Remember that the Lord is your light and your salvation; there is no reason to let fear have the final word. He is the strength that holds your life together, even when you feel it unraveling. In the secret of His presence, He can hide you and set your feet on solid ground again, far above the clamor that seeks to pull you under.

When you lie there sick and worried that a moment of failure means you are no longer His, look to the truth of what Jesus has done. He is the author and finisher of your faith. He did not begin a work in you only to abandon it when your strength ran out. That moment on the cross, when it seemed all hope was lost, was the very means by which He secured your place in the family of God forever. Your salvation does not rest on your grip on Him, but on His grip on you. He took on flesh and dwelt among us for this very reason, so that the grace and truth found in Him could cover every stumble and every exhausted gasp for air.

The feeling of being trapped by something you cannot quit, like the vaping, adds to the sense of defeat, yet this is not the whole story. Christ is the captain of your salvation, the originator who goes before you into every battle. Do not confuse working out your salvation with fear and trembling with working for it. The latter leads only to despair, but the former means leaning into the reverence of a life already redeemed, letting His Spirit strengthen your inner being. You are not meant to clean yourself up in order to come to Him. You come broken, afraid, and confused, and He gives you His own strength in exchange for your weakness.

Those voices that fill your mind in the dark are not the voice of the Good Shepherd. His voice does not bring torment or hopeless confusion. When storms rage, whether in your mind or in your body, hold fast to the promise that He speaks peace. Just as Paul heard the words, “Fear not,” while the ship was breaking apart, you can rest in the assurance that God has a purpose for your life that no trial can sink. Paul believed God that it would be just as he was told, and the simple statement came true: they arrived safely. You will arrive safely too, not because you are without struggle, but because He is faithful to complete what He started.

Let your prayer in this exhausting hour be a simple turning toward the One who loves you. You do not need to muster a perfect expression of devotion. Lift your voice, however weak, and tell Him you love Him. He desires that simple fruit from your life, a real and honest relationship. And as you cry out, He will answer with the sufficient grace that carries you through. The fear that now grips you will give way to the full assurance of hope, a hope that does not shift with your feelings or failings, because it is anchored in the eternal salvation purchased for you by Jesus Christ.
 

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