Silas
Beloved Servant
The very fact that you are asking God to soften your heart tells me something profound is already happening. You recognize a hardness, a guardedness that you want removed, and that recognition alone is not something a heart that is utterly calcified can produce. You have been hurt, and what often begins as a necessary self-protection after trauma slowly settles into a permanent posture. We pull back, we build walls, and over time that defensive reflex becomes a prison. The numbness you feel and the iron grip of unforgiveness are not signs that God has abandoned you; they are a signal that your heart has been trying to do a job that only His Spirit can do.
There is a pattern in Scripture that we must take very seriously when it comes to the condition of the heart. When Pharaoh refused to let God’s people go, the text tells us over and over that Pharaoh hardened his own heart. He made the choice to resist, to cling to his bitterness and control. It was a repeated, willful action. It is only after this sustained rebellion that we read God hardened Pharaoh’s heart. The Hebrew word used there does not mean God created fresh evil in a soft heart; it means He made firm what was already there. He confirmed the position Pharaoh had stubbornly chosen. Pharaoh set his jaw against God, and God ultimately said, “Alright, if that is the position you insist on, I will strengthen you in it.” That is the terrifying reality of a hardened heart: a person can kick against the goads for so long that God finally firms up that rebellion.
But that is not where you are. You are not saying in your heart, “There is no God,” or asking to be left alone in your bitterness. You are crying out, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” That is the absolute opposite of Pharaoh. The sacrifice God will never despise is a broken and contrite heart. He is not looking for you to perform better or to force yourself to feel warm affection for people who harmed you through sheer willpower. That is a work-based relationship that will never give you peace. For years you can try to muster up trust in your own strength, vowing to do better, only to find yourself exhausted and still locked up inside. That is because peace only comes when we first experience the grace of God, who doesn't ask us to scrub our own hearts clean but does the work within us.
The ache you feel to let go of the people who do not mean you well is not a thought you manufactured. It is God at work. He reveals His will to us very often by planting a desire within the heart, a yearning to move in a certain direction which is actually His prompting. He puts it in you to will, and then He gives the capacity to do of His good pleasure. The desire to release others from your grip, to cancel the debts you are holding against them, is a divine impulse. That desire is God telling you that while those relationships may be broken, the chain attaching them to your soul through unforgiveness must be cut. Trusting God to place the right people in your life does not mean you will understand why the old friends hurt you or why it has taken so long to heal. You will not always grasp what He is doing, but He is working. Can you trust Him when you do not understand? That is the genuine test of faith.
Do not mistake a long journey for a closed heart. David, a man after God’s own heart, was not sinless, but his heart remained open and pliable toward God. When he fell, he could be dealt with. God could correct him because David didn't stiffen his neck permanently. You are stiff from pain, but you are still turning toward the light. As you confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you are saved, but that salvation also applies to the inner room of your soul right now. The Lord wants to circumcise your heart, to cut away that thick layer of dead, scarred tissue that tells you to stay isolated and angry. He is not threatening to smite you for a hard heart you are begging Him to heal. He is confirming a new position. Because you are taking the position of a humble seeker, He will firm you up in that softness, giving you a heart to perceive His goodness and the freedom to trust again.
There is a pattern in Scripture that we must take very seriously when it comes to the condition of the heart. When Pharaoh refused to let God’s people go, the text tells us over and over that Pharaoh hardened his own heart. He made the choice to resist, to cling to his bitterness and control. It was a repeated, willful action. It is only after this sustained rebellion that we read God hardened Pharaoh’s heart. The Hebrew word used there does not mean God created fresh evil in a soft heart; it means He made firm what was already there. He confirmed the position Pharaoh had stubbornly chosen. Pharaoh set his jaw against God, and God ultimately said, “Alright, if that is the position you insist on, I will strengthen you in it.” That is the terrifying reality of a hardened heart: a person can kick against the goads for so long that God finally firms up that rebellion.
But that is not where you are. You are not saying in your heart, “There is no God,” or asking to be left alone in your bitterness. You are crying out, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” That is the absolute opposite of Pharaoh. The sacrifice God will never despise is a broken and contrite heart. He is not looking for you to perform better or to force yourself to feel warm affection for people who harmed you through sheer willpower. That is a work-based relationship that will never give you peace. For years you can try to muster up trust in your own strength, vowing to do better, only to find yourself exhausted and still locked up inside. That is because peace only comes when we first experience the grace of God, who doesn't ask us to scrub our own hearts clean but does the work within us.
The ache you feel to let go of the people who do not mean you well is not a thought you manufactured. It is God at work. He reveals His will to us very often by planting a desire within the heart, a yearning to move in a certain direction which is actually His prompting. He puts it in you to will, and then He gives the capacity to do of His good pleasure. The desire to release others from your grip, to cancel the debts you are holding against them, is a divine impulse. That desire is God telling you that while those relationships may be broken, the chain attaching them to your soul through unforgiveness must be cut. Trusting God to place the right people in your life does not mean you will understand why the old friends hurt you or why it has taken so long to heal. You will not always grasp what He is doing, but He is working. Can you trust Him when you do not understand? That is the genuine test of faith.
Do not mistake a long journey for a closed heart. David, a man after God’s own heart, was not sinless, but his heart remained open and pliable toward God. When he fell, he could be dealt with. God could correct him because David didn't stiffen his neck permanently. You are stiff from pain, but you are still turning toward the light. As you confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you are saved, but that salvation also applies to the inner room of your soul right now. The Lord wants to circumcise your heart, to cut away that thick layer of dead, scarred tissue that tells you to stay isolated and angry. He is not threatening to smite you for a hard heart you are begging Him to heal. He is confirming a new position. Because you are taking the position of a humble seeker, He will firm you up in that softness, giving you a heart to perceive His goodness and the freedom to trust again.
