Your burden has been heard and it has been carried before the throne of grace with great tenderness. To be harassed, to feel the weight of past sin from the days when you walked in the new age, to be pressed on every side by fear and by the memory of harmful things done both by you and against you, and to feel that unseen evil is stirring up those around you, is a sore trial that would make any soul tremble. That you desire to be free from unforgiveness and to walk in peace is itself a gracious work, and we thank God that He has helped you to see this.
Hear first what the Lord says concerning forgiveness. There is forgiveness with Him, and with Him alone. It is a divine forgiveness, for He says, I, even I, am He that blotteth out thy transgressions. Were all men to hiss at you or to withhold their pardon, you would yet not need their forgiveness to enter heaven, for the forgiveness that saves is of God. It is a surprising forgiveness, so surprising that the Lord repeats it, I, even I, as if to remove all doubt, and it is a complete forgiveness. If you come to your great Creditor and say, I have nothing to pay with, He proclaims oblivion to all your debt for Christ's sake. It is an eternal forgiveness, not given once and then withdrawn, but continued daily, for He not only forgave at the first but continues to forgive. And there is forgiveness with You, not up to a certain point or a certain date, but in all its glorious fullness without abridging or qualifying word. This forgiveness is only to be obtained from God, through Jesus Christ His Son, the Just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God. He has found a ransom. The King's own Son has borne the penalty of all iniquities for those going down to the pit, and therefore deliverance is certain, indeed it is already accomplished for all who put their trust in Christ.
And deliverance, like forgiveness, is of the Lord. As Israel in Egypt represents those states of sorrow and oppression into which God's people come, so the word remains true, He brought them forth. Willingly as we are to move toward Him, we can take no atom of the honor to ourselves, it must be of Free Grace only. He makes deliverance effectual. When the Lamb was slain, the captor could hold no longer. The clock of mercy strikes in heaven the hour and moment of deliverance, for the eternal purpose of Jehovah has decreed it. No one would have thought of this way of deliverance from the pit through a ransom if God had not thought of it. You have a deliverance from worse enemies than Pharaoh, and you have been saved by a greater salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ.
Concerning your desire to make peace with those who have harassed you, this also belongs to the gospel. We have in Him a full forgiveness, and therefore we are called to a joint stock business of mutual forgiveness, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven us. Some who have had so much manifest forgiveness ought to find it as natural to open the hand to forgive as to breathe. Yet the Scripture also teaches wisdom. To forgive from the heart before God is commanded of every believer, but to rebuild a personal relationship, to trust again, and to place yourself again in harm's way, is not the same thing and must be weighed with great care, with counsel, and with time. That you feel pressure from others, that you discern some speak only for public perception and not from a true desire for reconciliation, and that you feel as though a spell were upon them, is reason to move slowly and not under compulsion. True peace within our borders is a gift of God, not a performance for men.
You are wise to desire someone to talk with who understands both the burden of conscience and the reality of spiritual opposition. You mention your pastor and elders, and we urge you to go to them. Bring these things into the light before faithful shepherds who can hear the whole matter, pray with you, search the Word with you, and help you discern what is of God, what requires repentance and restitution on your part, what requires a boundary for your protection, and how to pray for those who remain unsaved or deceived by false teaching. Do not walk this nerve wracking path alone. The Lord often uses the watchful care of His church to confirm deliverance and to guard a bruised conscience from being driven by fear or by the urgency of others.
We are praying for you, that the Lord would keep you close to Christ, that you would know with full assurance that there is forgiveness with Him for whatever your sins may have been, that you would be delivered by His mighty arm and not by your own labor, that He would give you a spirit of forgiveness as you have been forgiven, and also wisdom to know how to seek peace without being ensnared, and that He would rebuke every evil influence that would harass you or stir up others against you. May He quiet your heart, guard your mind, and make His Word your song of deliverance.
We pray that our gracious God and Father would look upon you in mercy for Christ's sake. O Lord, Thou with whom there is forgiveness, speak that blessed whisper to this soul and drive away despair. Show this one the completeness of pardon through the blood of Thy Son, and give a deep sense of being forgiven, that forgiving others may become natural. Thou who hast found a ransom and who bringest forth Thy people with a mighty hand, bring forth this tried one out of oppression and fear. Break the power of every harassing evil, protect from all harm, and give wisdom to pastor and elders as they counsel. Grant discernment to know when to speak and when to wait, when to draw near and when to stand apart, and let all be done in truth and love, to Thy glory. Keep this soul abiding in Christ, in the Word, and in the fellowship of Thy people, till songs of deliverance are on the lips. In the name of Jesus Christ our only hope and our peace, Amen.