Ashaeltorath
Disciple of Prayer
I am not equivalent to the prophet Jeremiah. I am not so arrogant to believe in any way that I am anywhere on the same level as he is, and I'm certainly not a prophet.
I can see what rejection and abandonment are. Sometimes we are left to our own devices to figure everything out. Doesn't God sometimes step back and expect us to work it out for ourselves instead always, or most of them time, asking Him to fix it for us? I wish I could fix this. I wish it didn't matter that I've been "ghosted". But you know, my family ghosted me many times when I could have use their help. I never turned my siblings or parents down. I always helped, even when I had to rearrange things in my life. Only in the last few years have I blocked them from contact because of their open hatred, lies, and hyper-criticism. I told them that I did not hate them but I surely hated what they were doing to me. I told them that I would gladly open lines of contact again if they would be civil with me. I moved almost across the country but have invited them out to visit. Only one sister came out and complained the whole time. I flew my mom out, but she enjoyed it. My family totally began to show their true hatred towards me after our mother passed away. I guess they felt like they could "misbehave" now that our mother was no longer around. My mother wasn't as bad as them, but she was bad enough. My father passed away almost twenty years before my mother did. On his deathbed, he called everyone into the room and told us all that he hated me and never loved me. And no one said a word. I'm sure they all felt validated in their true feelings that they harbored about me. But, as soon as my dad died, my oldest brother started the hatred campaign against me.
What's this about outnumbering the sand?
I've always had to fend for myself. No one fought my fights for me. I was ganged up on throughout my life just as I was growing up in my family. Even when I had to physically defend myself growing up, I was punished because my parents and my siblings said that, "surely you must have done something to deserve what they did to you.". Great supportive family, huh?
So, please forgive for having to seemingly fend for myself all the time.
There is too much at risk right now. I'm not exaggerating when I outlined everything that I could lose by this weekend and next week. I can't deal with this. Why would God save me from so many "close calls" from the moment of my ### birth and throughout my life, only for things to end this way in my ###?!
Ever since 2019 everything has been a struggle and slowly started to fall apart. EVERYTHING exponentially started spiraling down since 2021. I've gone through two plagued vehicles and 4 different phones. Anything and everything started desentingrating and I couldn't prevent it, stop it, or fix it.
In 2018, I had a chance to make a big move. But, because things started to deteriorate, I did not jump at it, but looked into it and decided I would be more analytical about the move and work to save more money to ensure a better chance to make the move financially. But, jobs were hard to come by and I had to rely on saving what I could and worked off jobs here and there doing landscaping projects for friends and neighbors. But, one year after another nothing git better and the money dwindled.
I admit, I didn't want to assume that everything would work out so I tried to meticulously plan everything out, but I ended up having to move twice and now I am stuck where I am and have ended up with 2 cursed vehicles.
My thoughts are that this is punishment from God for not just making the move without thought of planning. I would think I should plan and think everything out the best I could. The last thing I wanted to do was just get up and move and then end up in the situation that I am in now. I guess I messed it up anyway and this is what I sowed. But, it doesn't matter how sorry I am, the consequences have been set in motion and there's no way I can stop it because there is no redemption for not having enough faith. I just didn't want to mess things up...but I obviously have anyway.
I can't afford doctors right now and I don't have a car to get to any either. I have a post office box near where I work, but since I can't drive to work, I can't drive to pick up my mail. I haven't been to the post office in 2 months - they probably think I'm dead. I wish I was. I pray every night for God to let me succumb to my risky ###. But I guess that would be too good of a way to pass away. The noose is tightening everyday. I'm sort of in a kind of shock that my life is ending this way, because this will kill me in one way or another.
This is the worst I've ever felt and the most unsure I've ever been about the outcome of my life. Every night brings more fear of the next day, and every morning brings heavier
I can see what rejection and abandonment are. Sometimes we are left to our own devices to figure everything out. Doesn't God sometimes step back and expect us to work it out for ourselves instead always, or most of them time, asking Him to fix it for us? I wish I could fix this. I wish it didn't matter that I've been "ghosted". But you know, my family ghosted me many times when I could have use their help. I never turned my siblings or parents down. I always helped, even when I had to rearrange things in my life. Only in the last few years have I blocked them from contact because of their open hatred, lies, and hyper-criticism. I told them that I did not hate them but I surely hated what they were doing to me. I told them that I would gladly open lines of contact again if they would be civil with me. I moved almost across the country but have invited them out to visit. Only one sister came out and complained the whole time. I flew my mom out, but she enjoyed it. My family totally began to show their true hatred towards me after our mother passed away. I guess they felt like they could "misbehave" now that our mother was no longer around. My mother wasn't as bad as them, but she was bad enough. My father passed away almost twenty years before my mother did. On his deathbed, he called everyone into the room and told us all that he hated me and never loved me. And no one said a word. I'm sure they all felt validated in their true feelings that they harbored about me. But, as soon as my dad died, my oldest brother started the hatred campaign against me.
What's this about outnumbering the sand?
I've always had to fend for myself. No one fought my fights for me. I was ganged up on throughout my life just as I was growing up in my family. Even when I had to physically defend myself growing up, I was punished because my parents and my siblings said that, "surely you must have done something to deserve what they did to you.". Great supportive family, huh?
So, please forgive for having to seemingly fend for myself all the time.
There is too much at risk right now. I'm not exaggerating when I outlined everything that I could lose by this weekend and next week. I can't deal with this. Why would God save me from so many "close calls" from the moment of my ### birth and throughout my life, only for things to end this way in my ###?!
Ever since 2019 everything has been a struggle and slowly started to fall apart. EVERYTHING exponentially started spiraling down since 2021. I've gone through two plagued vehicles and 4 different phones. Anything and everything started desentingrating and I couldn't prevent it, stop it, or fix it.
In 2018, I had a chance to make a big move. But, because things started to deteriorate, I did not jump at it, but looked into it and decided I would be more analytical about the move and work to save more money to ensure a better chance to make the move financially. But, jobs were hard to come by and I had to rely on saving what I could and worked off jobs here and there doing landscaping projects for friends and neighbors. But, one year after another nothing git better and the money dwindled.
I admit, I didn't want to assume that everything would work out so I tried to meticulously plan everything out, but I ended up having to move twice and now I am stuck where I am and have ended up with 2 cursed vehicles.
My thoughts are that this is punishment from God for not just making the move without thought of planning. I would think I should plan and think everything out the best I could. The last thing I wanted to do was just get up and move and then end up in the situation that I am in now. I guess I messed it up anyway and this is what I sowed. But, it doesn't matter how sorry I am, the consequences have been set in motion and there's no way I can stop it because there is no redemption for not having enough faith. I just didn't want to mess things up...but I obviously have anyway.
I can't afford doctors right now and I don't have a car to get to any either. I have a post office box near where I work, but since I can't drive to work, I can't drive to pick up my mail. I haven't been to the post office in 2 months - they probably think I'm dead. I wish I was. I pray every night for God to let me succumb to my risky ###. But I guess that would be too good of a way to pass away. The noose is tightening everyday. I'm sort of in a kind of shock that my life is ending this way, because this will kill me in one way or another.
This is the worst I've ever felt and the most unsure I've ever been about the outcome of my life. Every night brings more fear of the next day, and every morning brings heavier
