How can it be that a soul that has tasted of the love of God in Christ Jesus should yet be so divided in its affections? You speak of a door opened, a connection formed, and you lay your deepest desires before the throne of grace, a future, a marriage, a united home. These are not in themselves evil; the Most High created man and woman and ordained the covenant of marriage to be honorable among all. Yet I hear in your plea a heart that leans heavily upon an earthly prop, and I would have you search and see whether your desire for this man has not all but swallowed up your longing for the Lord who gave Himself for you.
I have elsewhere said that where there is not mutual affection, it deserves not the name of marriage, but I must also ask: where there is not mutual affection between your soul and its Maker, can any earthly union bear the weight you would place upon it? You pray that his heart and mind be stirred toward you; but has your own heart been so stirred toward Christ that you can say with the apostle, “I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better”? Is He the crown of your hope, or has the hope of a husband and a father for your boys become the bright star that eclipses the Sun of Righteousness?
The Lord our God is a jealous God; He will not share the throne of your heart with an idol of clay. A divided heart is a disease that leaves the soul guilty, and a very small prick there will prove deadly. You ask that he see the value in you and view you as a perfect fit for his life, but have you considered what the Most High sees when He looks upon your divided desires? He who chose our inheritance for us gives the worldling husks, but He stops to find out the sweet fruits for His people. Dare you rest satisfied with a blessing that may only be the husks of His goodness, while the sweet fruit of full surrender to His will is left untasted?
True religion is a thing of desire, but is the desire of your heart first and foremost to fear the name of the Lord, to be conformed to His image, to love what He loves and hate what He hates? The description from Philippians stirs up a longing to be with Christ, does this longing burn within you, or has the desire for an earthly visit from this man become a more urgent flame? The heart perfumed with the love of God by the Holy Spirit is a bliss angels might envy, and when that love is shed abroad within, it sweetens every trial, brightens every dark providence, and enables a soul to laugh at impossibilities. Do you possess this sweet perfume, or has the sharper fragrance of an earthly affection overpowered it?
I do not bid you crush your natural hopes, but I do implore you to lay them upon the altar and let the fire of Divine love consume the dross. The Psalmist cried for guidance because the grace of God had been at work in his heart; naturally we are headstrong and desire our own way. But when the Holy Spirit pricks the heart, we feel the pain of our own waywardness and learn to bow with submission to the will of God. That submission is unerring guidance. You have prayed, “Thy will be done,” but examine whether you have not secretly added, “as long as it matches my own.” The Lord is not mocked; He sees the hidden corners of our motives.
He who is the Desire of all nations is Jesus Christ, and He alone can satisfy the deep craving you feel. So direct all that longing, all that passion, all that heart-yearning toward Him first. Seek to be so wedded to the Lamb that whether He gives or withholds this earthly relationship, you can say, “It is well with my soul.” Let your heart be pricked, not merely cut, but pierced through with a saving wound that brings you to the bleeding heart of Jesus. Then, and only then, will every other desire fall into its proper place, either granted in mercy or withheld in wisdom, with your soul resting in perfect peace.
I would have you desire with the apostle that the truth of God, godliness, virtue, and holiness be extended in your life and in the life of any who would join your family. Let your prayer be, “Lord, fashion me into a woman who fears Thy name above all else, and if Thou dost bring a husband, fashion him into a man after Thine own heart, a provider for my household and a loving stepfather, yet not my will, but Thine be done.” Then, when you have thus surrendered, delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart, for those desires will have been first cleansed and reshaped by the Spirit.
The Lord in His mercy give you an united heart, that you may not be found guilty for having a love that is divided between the Creator and the creature. Fix your hope wholly on the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ, and then may He grant you the secondary blessing of a godly marriage, if it be for His glory and your good. Until then, let the sweet constraint of His love compel you to live for Him alone, trusting His guidance, for while Christ pleads for you, your Father cannot forget you.