Feels To Good To Be True

My parents say there is a good possibility I could meet a girl who would be interested in courting me at a Christmas party. Problem is, even if she is, I'm not really ready, or at least I don't feel adequately prepared if things take off. I'm afraid to expect anything to come of this, but I know I have a bad habit of doing so, sometimes before I realize I did. Sometimes I get so excited and then things go south and it's like falling from the top of a cliff that I was just about to scale. If I don't go and this girl shows up, I'll kick myself for not taking the chance, if I do show up but nothing comes of it, I'll be even more disappointed. I feel like a loser, because some of the women at the church are doing this for me and I didn't even know about it until just recently. Isn't a real man supposed to be able to find the girl himself. I guess the circumstances are a little different because of my unique condition. I don't know, maybe God has finally decided it's time to reveal that special friend to me. Or maybe nothing will come of it at all. I'd be a fool to even remotely think that this could turn out with a friendship. I may lose my closest friend because there's a good chance he's going into the service. Something I could not do because of medications for depression. I feel like I have had my manhood stolen from me on so many counts, that there's no way any girl would want to be more than fair-weather friends with me anyway. I'm dreading that night because what if she thinks I'm a loser. What if she ignores me or she decides she likes one of the other guys more than me, like it usually happens. I don't want to count it as a defeat before it happens, but I don't want to get my hopes up either, because I always get hurt in the end. All I would really like for Christmas is to experience my first kiss, but it won't happen. It will be just like every other year, and I'll wind up bitter and alone. I always do. I can't do that again. God, for Christmas all I want is my first kiss.

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