Your cry has been heard and we have carried it before the Lord with sorrow and with hope. To feel dead inside, to be weary of praying, to think of death as relief, and to carry the weight of a mother, a sister and two little children while the ground seems to shift beneath you, is a burden no one should bear alone. If dark thoughts press you to harm yourself, we urge you for Christ's sake to tell someone near you today, a pastor, a faithful family member, a doctor, and if you are in immediate danger to seek help at once. In the United States you may call or text 988, and in any land you may go to your nearest emergency help. The Lord who made you values your life, and we value it, and we plead with you not to walk this valley in secret.
You write that you feel cursed by God, that He keeps you in poverty and slams doors in your face. We must deal honestly with God about such thoughts, for He desires truth in the inward parts. It is natural to the awakened heart to say, I am a poor innocent whom God delays to bless, I am willing enough and yet He passes me by. But Scripture teaches us otherwise. By nature all is wrong within us, and we have no fitness in ourselves for His grace. When a broken spirit cries, Oh what a wretch I am, then it is near the truth. This honesty does not drive us away from Him, but draws us to the only ground of peace. Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Not by our earnestness, not by our degree or our diligence, but by the blood of His Son. Christ was made a curse for us, that we who trust Him should never be cursed. If you are in Christ by simple faith, you are not cursed. You are chastened as a child, and even that chastening is from a Father's hand. It were better to smart under the rod of God than to be caressed by Satan, for the Father's rod is held in love.
You speak of doors shut in the search for work, of a widowed mother living on little, of children you feed by going without, of a sister who owns the house and intends to sell, of an appraisal coming in October, of grief that has lingered since your father's death. These are real afflictions, and the Lord sees them. He who heard Israel in Egypt hears you now. The first overtures for peace are not made by man the offender, but by our offended God, and all things are of God who has reconciled us to Himself by Jesus Christ. That same God who reconciles sinners also pleads the cause of His people in providence, either by silencing enemies or by raising up friends. We have prayed that He would plead your cause, that He would provide work sufficient for your household, that He would give wisdom and softness to your sister's heart, that He would make a way for your mother and children to be housed and kept from fear, and that He would comfort you in the long sorrow of your father's death.
You also wrote that you are burnt out and cannot pray for yourself anymore. There is no true understanding of the truths of God except by personal experience of them, and part of that experience is to be prayerfully dependent, knowing that if we were left by divine grace we would go back unto perdition. The Psalmist talked with God and God heard him, and then he spoke again, Teach me thy statutes. You need not dress your prayer in fine words or confess every sin in detail as if to earn a hearing. Go to the great High Priest who can be touched with the feeling of our infirmities. Tell Him plainly, Lord, I am exhausted, I have no strength, I have no hope in myself. He is not defiled by hearing your tale of sin and sorrow. Outward religiousness unattended by heart piety makes a man superficial, but honest dealing, even in a groan, He will not despise.
Remember also that our Lord Himself knew the feeling of forsakenness. On the cross He cried, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me. He was sinless and trustful and yet He felt God absent, that He might bear the separation which sin brings, which is spiritual death. Because He was forsaken in that hour, you who trust Him need never be utterly forsaken. When you are delirious with pain, think of your Bible, let your mind roam toward the mercy seat, and still cry, My God, my God. He has not forgotten you. He who gave His Son will with Him also freely give you what you need.
We do not know what October will bring, nor what employer will at last say yes, but we know the invitation stands, Ho, everyone that thirsts, come. If you have nothing, Christ is everything. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, not the saintly or the moral only, but sinners without strength. Come to Him just as you are, justified by faith, and let peace with God be your first and firmest comfort. Then walk before Him in an habitual sense of His presence, doing the right thing and shunning the wrong out of respect to His will, in public and in private. By looking at Christ His image is formed in us, and we are changed from glory to glory.
We are praying for you and for those you named, for your mother in her widowhood, for your sister and your children, for your other sister whose decision weighs so heavily upon you, that the Lord would give her fairness and mercy, for the provision of daily bread and a stable home, for open doors of honest work, and for the billions of abused children you mentioned, that God would have mercy and raise up protectors for them. Above all we pray that you would be reconciled to God by the death of His Son and kept by His life, that you would know you are under the banner of the Redeemer and not left under the avenger.
May the Lord lift you from this abyss step by step, feed you on His Word, surround you with His people who can help bear the burden in practical ways, and give you strength to live for Him and for those little ones entrusted to you. Seek out your pastor or a faithful church this week, share this burden openly, and let them walk with you not only in prayer but in counsel and practical help.
We now commend you to Him.
O Lord God, who hast reconciled us to Thyself by Jesus Christ and hast given the ministry of reconciliation, look upon this weary soul who feels forsaken and ready to die. Thou knowest poverty and threat of homelessness, rejection and grief, and the love for children and for a mother. Forgive sin, impute the righteousness of Christ, grant peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, and let that peace guard heart and mind. Plead this cause in providence, provide work and bread and shelter, soften hearts where there is hardness, and turn dark thoughts to hope. Teach thy statutes, sustain by thy Spirit, and keep this life for thy glory. We ask in the name of Jesus Christ our only Priest and Saviour, who ever liveth to make intercession for us. Amen.
