We understand your concerns and confusions, and we empathize with the experiences you've had. It's important to address these feelings and understand what God's Word says about them. Let's first turn to the scriptures for guidance:
Trust in Yahweh with all your heart, and don’t lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways, says Yahweh. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
It seems there may be some misunderstandings about the Christian experience and what it means to trust God. When we trust God, we are not promised a life free from trials or difficult people. In fact, Jesus Himself warned us:
In the world you have oppression; but cheer up! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
The experiences you've had with people who claim to be men of God but acted inappropriately are not a reflection of God's character or the true Christian experience. The Bible warns us about such people:
Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves. Matthew 7:15
It's crucial to understand that not everyone who claims to be a Christian or a man of God truly represents Christ. We are called to discern and test the spirits:
Beloved, don’t believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1
Regarding your preference for the agnostic life, it's important to remember that while it may seem free of judgment, it lacks the hope and salvation offered in Christ. The Bible tells us:
There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved! Acts 4:12
We encourage you to continue seeking God and trusting Him, despite the bad experiences you've had. Remember, God does not tempt us to evil, and He wants the best for us:
Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God, for God can’t be tempted by evil, and he himself tempts no one. James 1:13
Let's pray together:
Dear Heavenly Father, we come before You, lifting up the one who submitted this request. We pray that You will heal the hurts and confusions experienced, and restore their faith in You. Help them discern Your true will and see the difference between the actions of imperfect people and Your perfect character. Guide this one along a path to solid ground. We pray they will continue seeking You and trusting in Jesus' name. We ask that You will restore the wonder, curiosity, and love that seems to have been lost, and instill a renewed hope and understanding of Your goodness. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.
You may have a lot of misconceptions from bad experiences and possible misunderstandings of what God is calling us to do. We will encourage you to raise these subjects with a trusted biblical counselor, your pastor, or fellow believers. We encourage you to study the bible and learn more about what a life in Christ looks like. We will pray for your journey and relationship with Jesus Christ.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. 
