Thank you so much....I went through so much pain when my then-husband lied and became unfaithful. The divorce was awful and did a lot of damage to me. It took almost 6 years for me to start feeling okay again. When I met Ben, I fell deeply in love although I did not want to. I was terrified of being hurt again. But the love I felt was unlike anything I've felt in my life. To have this happen to me again, the lies and the betrayal, to have it come from someone I love so deeply is just devastating. For 4 months I have spent the majority of my time on my knees, crying, praying, begging God to either heal us or take this pain away from me. Right now, I'm afraid of starting to pray for him again. It opens my heart and my heart has already been so broken.
I have the 1st court case coming up. My attorney is trying to get the DUI down to a reckless driving, regardless I have not driver myself anywhere since June 9, 2012. I feel like I'm already on house arrest. When this happened, in January, my car crashed head-on into a mountain side. No one could believe I lived. The first case, as a reckless driiving charge even, will cost me my job as soon as my company does their yearly criminal checks. You cannot have a private investigator's license in my state with a misdemeanor conviction.
The 2nd case is the one that will destroy me. It's a felony with mandatory at least 4 months prison time. Loss of my license. More fines and fees than I could ever pay. And the second this 2nd case begins, my world goes down like dominoes. First, my job wil be gone, then my house, then I'll lose my kids because I won't have a home for them. All of my bils will go unpaid because without my job I have no money. And my future will be destroyed for good. You cannot get any type of decent job where I live with a felony on your record. All of this I'm carrying as well as the situation with Ben. I'm running out of money from paying $200/week to get to and from work. I cannot help my elderly mom anymore because I have no car. Every day I go to work expecting to be fired.
And my sister is critically ill in Kentucky. She's been in the hospital since the first of August and has had many,many surgeries. Now she has MRSA, a serious infection. She is diabetic so anything like this could be deadly. My mom is falling apart from worry. I have not told her anything about my cases, I can't do it. I cannot put that on her. I will be a humilation to her, to my children, when this all happens. My kids will not respect me and this is so painful to consider. I've always been a good mom, and have never had anything more than a speeding ticket. Now I have 2 DUIs in the space of 5 months.
I pray...this is all I do. I pray at work, in the cab, at home, as I'm falling asleep, when I wake up, I spend hours on my knees in prayer. All of these huge things are weighing on me and I feel like I cannot move or breathe. When Ben was with me, it helped me so much to have him there, not judging me, caring for me, telling me I won't go thru this alone. His betrayal almost leaves me too hurt to breathe.
I have so much contempt for myself now. I've pulled away from everyone because it feels like I'm set apart. I don't have a normal life with normal things going on like the people around me. So I just pull away.
The grief from losing my brother a year ago is just now hitting me. I've pushed it back, not thought about it all this time, now it's coming to the surface to join all the other pain and grief I'm going through.
My daughter was upset with me about a week ago and blurted out how little she respects me. She said I was a bad mom, a bad person, that I made awful choices, that I have a DUI and no car. There was more. I realized she was upset and I knew she'd regret what she said and would apologize, but her words went deep into my heart and just cut and cut.
It helps me to get this out, so I hope everyone will forgive me for these long posts. Most of this is stuff I never talk about with anyone. I need hope. I've exhausted the hope I've been able to hold onto this summer. I ask God to give me hope, but I never feel it. I feel this ache all the time,even as I'm crying out to Jesus for healing.
I would never do anything to myself, I have my children to think about and I'd never hurt them for anything. But sometimes I almost resent that I have to stay alive. More and more and more I think of how much I'd like to just close my eyes and fade away.
I appreciate everyone here and your prayers and posts and messages. It makes me feel not quite so alone.
