Dear Lord,
I thank You for all You have done for me. I have tried to start this writing many times today without success. I know in my heart what You want me to write about but I do not want to go back there. Lord give me strength, Holy Spirit give me words.
THE BROKENNESS Since I was a small child I felt different, broken and blessed at the same time. I knew on the outside my family had money, and local power. People perceived me as pretty, and intelligent. Some loved to be around me and others had rage against me. Even as a small child, I knew which family members resented me. I knew which had extremely high expectations for me.
The sexual abuse. Strangely I did not repress any of it. All the memories were always there, but for the average person there was no way to tell. I had perfect grades until High School. I excelled as a dancer. My behavior was perfect. The only outward sign was the stomach aches and urinary tract infections. On the inside terror, self hatred, confusion, shame, it was like there was a big black hole right in the middle of my stomach with green infection surrounding it.
Our family went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I can not tell what any sermon was about. All I knew it was what we did and I did not like singing every verse of every hymn. Nobody taught me of Your Love and protection. I always knew You were there somehow.
I don't want to make this a poor me story, but the story is much deeper than sexual abuse. A quick history I will address further later. My biological father turned to drugs and sex after Viet Nam. My dad that adopted me did not like me. My mother adored me and she was very broken as well, I loved my grandparents so much, they were very good to me. There are contradictions to everything I just said. Although we were Christians we had candle lit meetings to bring back dead people, and sought the wisdom of psychics. I learned revenge, greed, manipulation, fear from them. I learned we had a lot of secrets, and for some reason people felt compelled to tell me them as young as 7. I also learned love, I know it sounds crazy.
I lived with the underlying feeling of I am crazy and I just can not let anyone know. I am so broken that no one will ever love me.
I will discuss the ramifications of living broken later and the choices I made as a result of it.
The Lord has saved me. He is setting me free. He loves me
Thank You Jesus
I thank You for all You have done for me. I have tried to start this writing many times today without success. I know in my heart what You want me to write about but I do not want to go back there. Lord give me strength, Holy Spirit give me words.
THE BROKENNESS Since I was a small child I felt different, broken and blessed at the same time. I knew on the outside my family had money, and local power. People perceived me as pretty, and intelligent. Some loved to be around me and others had rage against me. Even as a small child, I knew which family members resented me. I knew which had extremely high expectations for me.
The sexual abuse. Strangely I did not repress any of it. All the memories were always there, but for the average person there was no way to tell. I had perfect grades until High School. I excelled as a dancer. My behavior was perfect. The only outward sign was the stomach aches and urinary tract infections. On the inside terror, self hatred, confusion, shame, it was like there was a big black hole right in the middle of my stomach with green infection surrounding it.
Our family went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I can not tell what any sermon was about. All I knew it was what we did and I did not like singing every verse of every hymn. Nobody taught me of Your Love and protection. I always knew You were there somehow.
I don't want to make this a poor me story, but the story is much deeper than sexual abuse. A quick history I will address further later. My biological father turned to drugs and sex after Viet Nam. My dad that adopted me did not like me. My mother adored me and she was very broken as well, I loved my grandparents so much, they were very good to me. There are contradictions to everything I just said. Although we were Christians we had candle lit meetings to bring back dead people, and sought the wisdom of psychics. I learned revenge, greed, manipulation, fear from them. I learned we had a lot of secrets, and for some reason people felt compelled to tell me them as young as 7. I also learned love, I know it sounds crazy.
I lived with the underlying feeling of I am crazy and I just can not let anyone know. I am so broken that no one will ever love me.
I will discuss the ramifications of living broken later and the choices I made as a result of it.
The Lord has saved me. He is setting me free. He loves me
Thank You Jesus
