Since about the age of 14 obedience was a bad word in my eyes. Rebellion became my trade mark around the age of 17. Most of the time if I appeared obedient there was a self serving motive. I would push every boundary set as far as possible. In some ways it seemed more worldly, or accepted to be a rule breaker.
I am going to start by telling of I time I was disobedient to God, with profound ramifications. The man I was married to at the time was physically abusive. I decided to divorce him. We were not living together when he contacted me, asking if we could meet and talk about the details, child support etc..I agreed. The drive was about thirty minutes away. I remember driving down the highway looking up at the exit sign and having a very strong feeling to not go. This was powerful, almost terrifying. I ignored it. I went to the bar we were to meet at. It was a nice place with quite a few people. Our conversation was very friendly. After the conversation was over we decided to walk out together. Our cars were separate directions. He offered to take me to my car. That feeling came over me again, powerful, do not get in that car. I ignored it. I got in the car.
Ultimately he took me to a dark parking lot with no one around. His eyes changed as he insisted I had to die. He screamed at me to lock the door, I did. He went on for about 10 to 20 minutes about what a horrible person I was for leaving him etc. At one point I looked up at a street light, and thought, God this is it I am going to die. At that exact moment my ex yelled to lock the door for the second time, thus giving me the opportunity to unlock it, and jump out. He got out started beating me and kicking me. I felt no pain, it was like I was watching it from outside my body. I got away started running through the parking lot, the first apartment door I tried was unlocked, I went in slammed the door and locked it. Two youth pastors lived there.
By Gods grace my life was spared regardless of my lack of obedience. However there were still consequences: panic attacks for years, nightmares, depression, living a paranoid life style of changing addresses cars etc.. (partly justified, he stalked me relentlessly for years) Every strange person scared me, every bump in the night terrified me.
God was not trying to be bossy and controlling when He told me not to go, He knew that one hour, one choice would control my life, my family, and my friends. He knew the terror it would create and how miserable I would be.
Fast forward 20 years, I am beginning my journey with Christ. I kept hearing the words obedience. Freaked me out. I had visions of God just creating me to tell me what to do, and questioning why? For personal entertainment? Could not wrap my head around it.
I believe my changing thought process was the miracle of renewing of the mind. I began to see God gave me free will, but truly wanted what was best for me, like any good father. A few months ago He put it on my heart to stop seeking human interpretation of the bible God or Jesus. I was surounded by amazing believers, I was very dependent on them for their guidance and opinions. I was to seek Him through prayer, Bible, and church service. No more Joyce Meyer, podcast, calling my mentors, reading books, etc. Honestly I panicked at first. I was dependent completely on a God I couldn't see, or hear audibly. Yes of course I was disobedient once. A very trusted sister emailed me a writing on divorce and remarriage. He reminded me not to read it. I rationalized and read just a few pages. TOOK ME OUT, I was in a state of confusion, questioning the Bible's authenticity, The Lords motives etc...I was corrected, I learned that lesson. During that time period my relationship with the Lord became much deeper, my faith stronger, I began to fall in love. I was only ask to do that for a few weeks, but it had a huge impact on my relationship with Jesus.
I really do not know much about fasting. I have read the bible about it, ask questions, and still not completely clear. The Lord put it on my heart to do it so I am. I ask what to fast, how long, and pray for what. He answered that also. This Blog is part of obedience. At times I feel extremely vulnerable, exposed, panicked, sad. I also feel His strength, His love, His cleansing, HIM. I have also been so blessed by this community.
Dear Lord lead us by Your strength to walk in obedience. We know Your love for us and You have perfect intentions. Lord lead us to glorify You. Thank You Jesus
I am going to start by telling of I time I was disobedient to God, with profound ramifications. The man I was married to at the time was physically abusive. I decided to divorce him. We were not living together when he contacted me, asking if we could meet and talk about the details, child support etc..I agreed. The drive was about thirty minutes away. I remember driving down the highway looking up at the exit sign and having a very strong feeling to not go. This was powerful, almost terrifying. I ignored it. I went to the bar we were to meet at. It was a nice place with quite a few people. Our conversation was very friendly. After the conversation was over we decided to walk out together. Our cars were separate directions. He offered to take me to my car. That feeling came over me again, powerful, do not get in that car. I ignored it. I got in the car.
Ultimately he took me to a dark parking lot with no one around. His eyes changed as he insisted I had to die. He screamed at me to lock the door, I did. He went on for about 10 to 20 minutes about what a horrible person I was for leaving him etc. At one point I looked up at a street light, and thought, God this is it I am going to die. At that exact moment my ex yelled to lock the door for the second time, thus giving me the opportunity to unlock it, and jump out. He got out started beating me and kicking me. I felt no pain, it was like I was watching it from outside my body. I got away started running through the parking lot, the first apartment door I tried was unlocked, I went in slammed the door and locked it. Two youth pastors lived there.
By Gods grace my life was spared regardless of my lack of obedience. However there were still consequences: panic attacks for years, nightmares, depression, living a paranoid life style of changing addresses cars etc.. (partly justified, he stalked me relentlessly for years) Every strange person scared me, every bump in the night terrified me.
God was not trying to be bossy and controlling when He told me not to go, He knew that one hour, one choice would control my life, my family, and my friends. He knew the terror it would create and how miserable I would be.
Fast forward 20 years, I am beginning my journey with Christ. I kept hearing the words obedience. Freaked me out. I had visions of God just creating me to tell me what to do, and questioning why? For personal entertainment? Could not wrap my head around it.
I believe my changing thought process was the miracle of renewing of the mind. I began to see God gave me free will, but truly wanted what was best for me, like any good father. A few months ago He put it on my heart to stop seeking human interpretation of the bible God or Jesus. I was surounded by amazing believers, I was very dependent on them for their guidance and opinions. I was to seek Him through prayer, Bible, and church service. No more Joyce Meyer, podcast, calling my mentors, reading books, etc. Honestly I panicked at first. I was dependent completely on a God I couldn't see, or hear audibly. Yes of course I was disobedient once. A very trusted sister emailed me a writing on divorce and remarriage. He reminded me not to read it. I rationalized and read just a few pages. TOOK ME OUT, I was in a state of confusion, questioning the Bible's authenticity, The Lords motives etc...I was corrected, I learned that lesson. During that time period my relationship with the Lord became much deeper, my faith stronger, I began to fall in love. I was only ask to do that for a few weeks, but it had a huge impact on my relationship with Jesus.
I really do not know much about fasting. I have read the bible about it, ask questions, and still not completely clear. The Lord put it on my heart to do it so I am. I ask what to fast, how long, and pray for what. He answered that also. This Blog is part of obedience. At times I feel extremely vulnerable, exposed, panicked, sad. I also feel His strength, His love, His cleansing, HIM. I have also been so blessed by this community.
Dear Lord lead us by Your strength to walk in obedience. We know Your love for us and You have perfect intentions. Lord lead us to glorify You. Thank You Jesus
