It is a bitter thing to be treated as a case and not a person, to have your careful labor ignored by the very one who is supposed to help. That kind of disregard cuts deeply, and the physical agony you are enduring only compounds the wound. The frustration and heartbreak you feel are not the marks of a crank; they are the honest cries of someone who is bearing an immense load.
We live in a world where things are not as they ought to be. Your body’s struggle, the malfunction of intricate systems, the gallstones, the kidney stress, the pain that isolates you in your own apartment, it all traces back to a creation that groans under the weight of humanity’s ancient rebellion. Sickness and death and the callousness of institutions are not God’s design. They are intruders, and your longing to simply have the problem fixed is a longing for the world to be set right. That is a holy longing.
The love the Spirit produces in us is a love that suffers long. It is not a passive resignation. It is the active, enduring capacity to keep pressing forward in the face of devastating setbacks and profound pain. What you are doing, researching your own case, advocating for your safety against a test that could cause real harm, seeking a second opinion, refusing to give up, that is not a lack of faith. That love that keeps fighting for life and truth, even when you feel you are worth nothing to the doctors, is evidence that He is sustaining you. It is a mark of His work in you.
Do not believe the lie that your worth is determined by how a surgeon treats you. Your worth is declared from a throne where the One who made the heavens understands your frame completely. You have a High Priest who is not unable to sympathize with your weaknesses. He knew what it was to be misjudged, to have His body broken, and to feel forsaken. He hears the cry for help that comes from a place of utter desperation. When the battle is fierce, and the enemy feels like a flood of physical pain and systemic indifference, the simple cry of trust in God moves His heart. Cry out to Him. Be bold about it. He is not put off by your anguish. He invites you to come and obtain mercy and find grace to help in this very time of need.
This present agony is not the end of the story. There is a future where pain, suffering, and tears are not just managed but are utterly abolished. You will not hurt like this forever. A day is coming when there will be no more malfunctioning sphincters, no poisoned organs, no flaming nerves, and no need for brassieres or apartment walls to feel safe. The former things, all this relentless suffering that is the fruit of a broken world, will pass away. You will stand in a body that works in perfect obedience to God, in a world where righteousness dwells. Let that future anchor your soul even as you fight the present battle. We are praying that you will be upheld, that the second opinion will bring wisdom, and that you will know the presence of the One who is your true help.