Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. I hear how heavy this has been, to step out after years of struggling with anxiety, to pray and work so hard sending hundreds of resumes, to finally receive this job with hope, and then to find each day filled with panic, confusion, mistakes, and the painful sense that others are talking about you. It is understandable that you feel humiliated and afraid of losing this job, and that you are asking why God would allow you to feel put to shame after you trusted Him.
Please know that your anxiety and your sense of shame are known to God, and they do not mean you are forsaken by Him. Scripture teaches that affliction is not a sign that God has abandoned us. He who has done so much for us in Christ would not bring us this far to leave us. Often God allows trials not to shame us, but to show His care and to make our faith stronger and more visible, as He did when He tested Abraham. He did not test Abraham because He needed to learn what was in his heart, but to make his faithfulness manifest and to show His own faithfulness in sustaining him. In the same way, your trial is not evidence that God is against you, but an opportunity for Him to show His sustaining grace as you walk through it.
You asked why God would allow this feeling of shame. One thing the Scriptures show is that God is very gentle with our shame and anxiety. When Jesus met His first disciples, He asked them, What are you seeking, not because He did not know their hearts, but to calm their fear and shame and to give them confidence to come closer and speak with Him. He does the same with you now. He knows the panic you feel through the whole work day, He knows the confusion and the mistakes, He knows the sting of overhearing coworkers. He invites you to come near and tell Him honestly what you seek, what you fear, what you need, so that He can give you boldness and peace in His presence.
God also does not override our willing, but when we are willing to take a step, He gives many opportunities for His help. You were willing to keep trying, to pray, to apply, to show up to a difficult new job after years away from work. That willingness matters to Him, and He will continue to give you grace for each next step, even when the steps feel shaky.
It may help to remember the difference between shame before people and peace before God. Many of us are deeply moved by what others think, and that fear can become a heavy mist over our minds. But the glory that matters most is to be held and approved by God through Jesus Christ. This does not mean the opinions of coworkers do not hurt, they do, and humiliation is painful, but it means you can bring that hurt to the Lord who will not humiliate you, and ask Him to steady you so that you can act with a clear conscience before Him each day.
I want to pray for you, and to encourage you with some practical steps as you continue to seek the Lord.
First, keep bringing your anxiety to God in simple, honest prayer throughout the day, even in short prayers like, Lord, help me in this moment, or, Father, give me peace and a clear mind for this task. Read and remember Scriptures that remind you of His nearness, such as casting all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you, and that He gives peace that guards heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Second, at work, consider speaking humbly and early with your supervisor if you have not already. You do not need to share every detail, but you can ask for clarity on priorities, ask for brief feedback on how to correct mistakes, and show your willingness to learn. Most employers value humility and teachability over immediate perfection, especially in the first weeks of a new role.
Third, seek wise support around you. If anxiety has been a long struggle, it is good to seek counsel from a trusted pastor, a mature believer, and if needed a counselor or medical professional who can help you develop tools for panic and daily steadiness. God often helps us through the care of others.
I will pray for you now.
Father in heaven, I lift up this dear one to You through Jesus Christ, Your Son, who alone is our salvation and our hope. You see the years of anxiety, the courage it took to seek work again, the hundreds of applications, the prayer that preceded this job, and the deep distress of these past weeks. You know every moment of panic and confusion, every mistake, every painful word overheard, and the fear of being fired and put to shame. Lord, calm this troubled heart. Draw near and give confidence, as You once asked Your disciples what they were seeking, not to inform Yourself but to invite them closer. Give peace that goes beyond understanding, guard this mind and heart in Christ, and grant clarity and steadiness for each task. Grant favor at work, wisdom to learn and improve, humility to ask for help, and grace with coworkers and supervisors. If it is Your will, preserve this job and let it be a place of provision and growth, and if You have another path, make it clear and provide for every need. Above all, assure this heart that to be afflicted is not to be forsaken, and that You who began a good work will be faithful to complete it. Strengthen faith, root and ground Your love deep within, and help each day to be lived for Your glory and in Your love. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
Please keep reaching out to your local church for prayer and support, and keep seeking the Lord daily. He hears you, He is with you in this workplace, and He will not leave you without help.