Anixety Getting Worse

The anxiety for a future mate is getting worse. It's bothering me day, and night robing me of sleep. I can't stop thinking about her, trying to find her. I tried reading my Bible and reassuring myself that Gods in control, but I keep seeing girls and thinking, I'd like to be in a relationship with her, she pretty, upbeat, and she funny, and got a cute personality. Only to find out she's involved or not interested. I wish God would help me get through this season of my life. Christmas is a miserable time for me. I know we are celebrating the birth of our lord and savior, but I always feel left out around that time of year. Everyone else seems to be so happy, and most of my male cousins are now married or they or involved or engaged. Not me. I keep trying to tell myself, next year, I'll meet that special girl and feel like them, I won't be left out. It's embarrassing. My cousin Nathan always asks me if I found the lucky girl yet. He says lucky like I actually have something to offer besides my love and affection, which never seems to be enough anymore. It's all about money and property these days. What can I offer as far as shelter and wealth? That point in my life where I'll be completely financially independent seems so far away. There still so much I have to work on. It's so much. How do other guys do it? What do they have to offer that I don’t? Why does God choose not to give me a friend like that to get though life with? I figured he would at least give me a study partner, or a dance partner, or something that I've asked for. What's wrong with me? The anxiety is getting so strong I can barely handle it anymore. It hurts me physically and mentally. I look at myself in the mirror, and I try to smile, but what I see is creepy and repulsive. No wonder no one looks at me. My parents and friends reassure me that I’m handsome, but I just don’t see it. Why would they lie to me? Why do I feel like this? I just want to find my Princess. Is that too much to ask? If it sounds like I’m bitter it’s because I am. I feel robbed. Why does everyone else seem to have it together? It makes me so mad, I can’t do anything. I keep expecting everything to turn around. I keep thinking one day I’m gonna run into her unexpectedly and everything I ever said would turn around and fade into memory, all the pain I’ve gone through waiting for her would be in the past and gone. Yet, here I am still in the dark. I wish I could say, "I know everything’s gonna turn out okay, and that she is everything I wanted and more," but, I would just be lying to myself. The honest truth is, I don't know what’s going to happen, and I tried to keeping my eyes on God but, I'm just not getting it. I want to say I am joyful, but I'm bitter. There's no doubt about that. I can't wrap my head around this. How do I stop expecting something that I want so bad. I'm trying, and praying but, I just don't feel Him. Where is he? Why can't I feel him? I confess my sins, I get down on my hands and knees and honestly poor out my heart and yet I just don't feel him. I feel no peace. Has anyone one else felt like this? I keep asking God to take control of it, but I keep trying to take it back because I don't see any progress. What's wrong with me? Why does it feel like nothing’s happening? Am I not praying right? Am I not using the right words? Am I not saying enough? Am I saying too much? What am I doing wrong? I confess my sins, and ask forgiveness for them, I do my best to repent, and it's like Gods just given up on me. I know that's not the case but that's how I feel. I keep talking to God hoping he'll help. It just feels so hopeless right now. What good are my prayers doing? Right now it feels like they'er being ignored. I wish I could put into words the absoulte cahos going on inside me. It's indescribale. I feel so isolated. It hurts me.

 

[Hungry4love357]

accept, sorry.