Today I began my fast. I am doing a Danial fast. I have failed at fasting I believe do to the fact I was doing it to please God or some how gain his acceptance. I still do not know exactly why I am doing it accept I am walking in obedience to the Lord. On day 1 I already have a praise report.
I was sexually abused as a child by my uncle. My biological father also sexually abused me. I believed after many years of counselling and prayer it was no longer an issue.
In my teen years I was sexually promiscuous. Until I got pregnant at 19. I have had 2 husbands cheat on me.
I have battled anxiety and depression off and on most of my life. I am on medication for it but it still reared its ugly head. It used to be anxiety about dying. Even as a very young girl I remember terrified at night of dying, rape etc. It then changed to terror over loosing one of my children. Sometimes when they got sick or injured I would be almost taken out by anxiety. I would obsess with syptoms scared to death I wouldn't get them to help fast enough. I was always strong during but later the demons would come back with a vengeance.
I have prayed, been prayed over meany times. Most of the time I would gain great freedom. Then here it came again. The devil would come back with 7 more demons even worse than the original. I began to feel hopeless, crazy, helpless, suicidal, panicked, and depression. By Gods grace I continued to seek guidance from other believers, and to receive prayer. I continued to read The Bible, and other books the Lord lead me to.
Today Day One of Fasting
I went to church today fully expecting for The Lord to touch me in a powerful way, just not sure how. The pastor was teaching on bondage. He began in hand cuffs and shackles. I felt a strong presence of the Lord. I get teary when I feel the Holy Spirit. He told of his own bondage to porn for 13 years. He talked of being set free for 12 years now.
He ask us "Do you want to be free?" I raised my hand. I was desperate for freedom from anxiety, pride, unforgiveness towards my husbands adultery, depression, financial mess ups etc.
Next "Are You willing to come to end of self?" Was I willing to give it to Jesus, and stop trying to do everything in my will to get free. "Absolutely" I have tried it all, It is very clear I can not do this on my own.
We were standing in prayer. I knew there would be an alter call. The Lord told me clearly to be set free from the sexual abuse. Right away the lies of the devil started "that stuff is over, you are fine, you are crazy, you are so needy," The pastor invited us to bring the chains to the alter and leave all the bondage there. The devil was still fighting me, lying to me. It took me a while, I went up got on my knees and began to pray. Three women surrounded me on their knees and began praying. The pastors wife being one of them ask what I needed to be set free from. I told her the sexual abuse. I began the feelings of intense shame, nausea rage, shame, out of control, terror, everything I felt while it was happening as a child. I confessed it. They continued to pray for my freedom, guidance from the Holy Spirit, full armor of protection me to forgive the men. She had me repeat after her. All of a sudden all I felt was intense gratitude for my church family, these women, my life, the Lord. The tears of terror, disgust fear changed to joy, gratitude, love.
Over the years I had erected walls of lies, sins, terror, anxiety, depression, etc to protect the core of sexual abuse. Each time The Lord would take one layer off revealing the next.
Thank You Lord for your persistence, guidance, love. My words do not even come close to conveying the feelings I have. I Love You Lord Jesus. I KNOW now You Love me. I pray all captives be set free.
I was sexually abused as a child by my uncle. My biological father also sexually abused me. I believed after many years of counselling and prayer it was no longer an issue.
In my teen years I was sexually promiscuous. Until I got pregnant at 19. I have had 2 husbands cheat on me.
I have battled anxiety and depression off and on most of my life. I am on medication for it but it still reared its ugly head. It used to be anxiety about dying. Even as a very young girl I remember terrified at night of dying, rape etc. It then changed to terror over loosing one of my children. Sometimes when they got sick or injured I would be almost taken out by anxiety. I would obsess with syptoms scared to death I wouldn't get them to help fast enough. I was always strong during but later the demons would come back with a vengeance.
I have prayed, been prayed over meany times. Most of the time I would gain great freedom. Then here it came again. The devil would come back with 7 more demons even worse than the original. I began to feel hopeless, crazy, helpless, suicidal, panicked, and depression. By Gods grace I continued to seek guidance from other believers, and to receive prayer. I continued to read The Bible, and other books the Lord lead me to.
Today Day One of Fasting
I went to church today fully expecting for The Lord to touch me in a powerful way, just not sure how. The pastor was teaching on bondage. He began in hand cuffs and shackles. I felt a strong presence of the Lord. I get teary when I feel the Holy Spirit. He told of his own bondage to porn for 13 years. He talked of being set free for 12 years now.
He ask us "Do you want to be free?" I raised my hand. I was desperate for freedom from anxiety, pride, unforgiveness towards my husbands adultery, depression, financial mess ups etc.
Next "Are You willing to come to end of self?" Was I willing to give it to Jesus, and stop trying to do everything in my will to get free. "Absolutely" I have tried it all, It is very clear I can not do this on my own.
We were standing in prayer. I knew there would be an alter call. The Lord told me clearly to be set free from the sexual abuse. Right away the lies of the devil started "that stuff is over, you are fine, you are crazy, you are so needy," The pastor invited us to bring the chains to the alter and leave all the bondage there. The devil was still fighting me, lying to me. It took me a while, I went up got on my knees and began to pray. Three women surrounded me on their knees and began praying. The pastors wife being one of them ask what I needed to be set free from. I told her the sexual abuse. I began the feelings of intense shame, nausea rage, shame, out of control, terror, everything I felt while it was happening as a child. I confessed it. They continued to pray for my freedom, guidance from the Holy Spirit, full armor of protection me to forgive the men. She had me repeat after her. All of a sudden all I felt was intense gratitude for my church family, these women, my life, the Lord. The tears of terror, disgust fear changed to joy, gratitude, love.
Over the years I had erected walls of lies, sins, terror, anxiety, depression, etc to protect the core of sexual abuse. Each time The Lord would take one layer off revealing the next.
Thank You Lord for your persistence, guidance, love. My words do not even come close to conveying the feelings I have. I Love You Lord Jesus. I KNOW now You Love me. I pray all captives be set free.
