K
kristie
Guest
Will pursuing a spouse who left the marriage only drive them further away?
I speak from personal experience on both sides of the fence: a woman who has left her husband before, and a woman who has had her husband leave. The answer depends on the reason for leaving.
If there is another person involved, adultery, then it is good to pursue. 99.9% of the time when a spouse goes into adultery, it is because they feel neglected by the spouse, then this outsider comes in and makes them feel special and that is what lures them away. So it is important to make them feel special, to pursue them as rigorously as the outsider did.
As the spouse, you have advantages, number one the soul tie and covenant of marriage, Gods blessings upon your union whereas the adultery is not blessed and is sin, doomed to fail and bring reaping. Then there is the familiarity factor, they are comfortable with you. Most humans hates the unknown, change, starting over and forging new relationships. So if they can get what they need and desire in a relationship that is already formed, they will sway towards that familiar ground.
Like a Pastor friend of mine said one day, the spouse is the big deeply rooted Oak tree, strong and the roots run deep. The other man or other woman is an enticing little fruit tree with shallow roots. They may be lured by the pretty fruit and partake of its enjoyment for a time, but in real life they will always be pulled to the strong deeply rooted Oak in their lives. This is how he described spouses versus adulteresses and adulterers in their lives.
I can tell you that with my husband in the adultery, he has told me that he just wanted me, but wanted all the special things she did for him, the special feelings she gave him...the catering and doting on him. He wanted those things with me, and if we were that close again he would never wander in another direction. When I fought back by doing so, he came running back to me. They are counterfeits and when the real thing becomes as good or better then the counterfeit, the real thing will win out.
As for spouses that leave for other reasons, many of them do need their space and to pursue is to push them further away. Many of them are just going through a personal crisis in some way and they need to find themselves. They still need to know you love them, but need to not be put on the spot with personal confrontations. Those who leave due to abuse or a hard to live with fault in the spouse, alcoholism, drug addictions, etc.; they are escaping a bad situation with the spouse more so then the spouse, and then the situation needs to change, come to an end, and the spouse have time to see that and trust in that.
In these situations, letting them know you love them is important, but doing so in a unobtrusive way...such as send a card letting them know, and keep it very simple...no hashing over things or pouring out of feelings that may invade their comfort zone, but just a simple 'I still love you and always will' or I think you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I want to thank you for being you and loving me". Something sweet and simple. Avoid confrontational stuff at all costs.
A important key to reconciliation is to become friends again. My husband once said something very wise concerning standers. He said that all standers need to think back and remember what attracted them and their spouses to one another and made them fall in love in the first place, and then they need to get back to that.
God bless you...
Kristie
I speak from personal experience on both sides of the fence: a woman who has left her husband before, and a woman who has had her husband leave. The answer depends on the reason for leaving.
If there is another person involved, adultery, then it is good to pursue. 99.9% of the time when a spouse goes into adultery, it is because they feel neglected by the spouse, then this outsider comes in and makes them feel special and that is what lures them away. So it is important to make them feel special, to pursue them as rigorously as the outsider did.
As the spouse, you have advantages, number one the soul tie and covenant of marriage, Gods blessings upon your union whereas the adultery is not blessed and is sin, doomed to fail and bring reaping. Then there is the familiarity factor, they are comfortable with you. Most humans hates the unknown, change, starting over and forging new relationships. So if they can get what they need and desire in a relationship that is already formed, they will sway towards that familiar ground.
Like a Pastor friend of mine said one day, the spouse is the big deeply rooted Oak tree, strong and the roots run deep. The other man or other woman is an enticing little fruit tree with shallow roots. They may be lured by the pretty fruit and partake of its enjoyment for a time, but in real life they will always be pulled to the strong deeply rooted Oak in their lives. This is how he described spouses versus adulteresses and adulterers in their lives.
I can tell you that with my husband in the adultery, he has told me that he just wanted me, but wanted all the special things she did for him, the special feelings she gave him...the catering and doting on him. He wanted those things with me, and if we were that close again he would never wander in another direction. When I fought back by doing so, he came running back to me. They are counterfeits and when the real thing becomes as good or better then the counterfeit, the real thing will win out.
As for spouses that leave for other reasons, many of them do need their space and to pursue is to push them further away. Many of them are just going through a personal crisis in some way and they need to find themselves. They still need to know you love them, but need to not be put on the spot with personal confrontations. Those who leave due to abuse or a hard to live with fault in the spouse, alcoholism, drug addictions, etc.; they are escaping a bad situation with the spouse more so then the spouse, and then the situation needs to change, come to an end, and the spouse have time to see that and trust in that.
In these situations, letting them know you love them is important, but doing so in a unobtrusive way...such as send a card letting them know, and keep it very simple...no hashing over things or pouring out of feelings that may invade their comfort zone, but just a simple 'I still love you and always will' or I think you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I want to thank you for being you and loving me". Something sweet and simple. Avoid confrontational stuff at all costs.
A important key to reconciliation is to become friends again. My husband once said something very wise concerning standers. He said that all standers need to think back and remember what attracted them and their spouses to one another and made them fall in love in the first place, and then they need to get back to that.
God bless you...
Kristie
Last edited:
