Why do we get so jealous when others get what we want? I ask myself this question and I almost immediately know the answer: "Because the other person did not go through what I went through, and I deserve it more than they do. I worked for it, prayed for it, and they just get it handed to them on a silver platter."
I'm referring specifically towards my cousin, who has been dating a girl named Rebecca for almost two years now. It broke my heart because the name Rebecca, as I'm sure I have mentioned before, is very special to me. It means something very dear to me, and God knows it, and my parents know it, and my best friend knows it. It's something I let very few people in on, so I won't tell here.
However, it broke my heart because at the time it was like a slap in the face. That name means so much to me, and for my cousin not only to meet this girl and be dating her for so long before I could meet my first love, but for her to have the name Rebecca on top of that was insulting to me. It made me sad at first, but now I'm just bitter about it. I've let God know how I felt about it and how it hurt me. It eats at me, and every time something goes south when I attempt to get my first date, I think, "Gosh, it sure must be nice to have a girlfriend that has the name I prayed my wife would have someday."
(If you're curious about why I am so sensitive about the name Rebecca, ask me in a private message.)
Yesterday I was thinking about it and today as well, and I cried bitterly, asking God, begging God, to change the circumstances and allow me to meet her, and soon. I can't help but think she's just around the corner, yet when she does not show, I get depressed. I was crying, and I don't think I have ever been more honest with God with my feelings than I was in the moment when I was crying and saying to him, "I'm never gonna find her, I'm never gonna find her, God," repeatedly. It was pretty pathetic, but I was hurt, and my cousin and his girlfriend kept popping back into my head, and I said, "God, it's not fair, you know how much that name means to me, why did you give her to him? What are you trying to teach me, God?"
I wonder sometimes if God even cares. It's not the first time I've been upset, but it is the first time I can honestly say I was being as open and honest with God as I could be. I was in a very vulnerable state. I think I was closer to God in those moments than I have been in a while, but I don't see why it had to be like that. I don't get why God wants me to be hurt to be close to Him. Maybe it was the only way He could get my attention, but still, I don't want to have to do that every time, either. It makes no sense because I have made honest efforts to build my relationship with Him before, and I don't get why He's holding out on me with the future spouse either. It hurts me to think that I'm still not ready. When's it gonna happen, because I'm tired of waiting. I don't want to be 40 years old or older before I meet her. If I have to wait that long, I would go nuts.
I think I'm just tired of watching people around me get married. They seem to have it all together, got their education, their career, and their beloved. They are financially secure, and the kicker, they are my age. (So I guess if you don't have your life together and you're still in school and still don't have a career, then you're going to be single until you get it all together.) I hate it. Why am I so far behind in life? It's so unfair because I know I will never be where they are as far as owning my own home and being financially secure. Not in the next two to three years anyway. It's not fair.
I'm referring specifically towards my cousin, who has been dating a girl named Rebecca for almost two years now. It broke my heart because the name Rebecca, as I'm sure I have mentioned before, is very special to me. It means something very dear to me, and God knows it, and my parents know it, and my best friend knows it. It's something I let very few people in on, so I won't tell here.
However, it broke my heart because at the time it was like a slap in the face. That name means so much to me, and for my cousin not only to meet this girl and be dating her for so long before I could meet my first love, but for her to have the name Rebecca on top of that was insulting to me. It made me sad at first, but now I'm just bitter about it. I've let God know how I felt about it and how it hurt me. It eats at me, and every time something goes south when I attempt to get my first date, I think, "Gosh, it sure must be nice to have a girlfriend that has the name I prayed my wife would have someday."
(If you're curious about why I am so sensitive about the name Rebecca, ask me in a private message.)
Yesterday I was thinking about it and today as well, and I cried bitterly, asking God, begging God, to change the circumstances and allow me to meet her, and soon. I can't help but think she's just around the corner, yet when she does not show, I get depressed. I was crying, and I don't think I have ever been more honest with God with my feelings than I was in the moment when I was crying and saying to him, "I'm never gonna find her, I'm never gonna find her, God," repeatedly. It was pretty pathetic, but I was hurt, and my cousin and his girlfriend kept popping back into my head, and I said, "God, it's not fair, you know how much that name means to me, why did you give her to him? What are you trying to teach me, God?"
I wonder sometimes if God even cares. It's not the first time I've been upset, but it is the first time I can honestly say I was being as open and honest with God as I could be. I was in a very vulnerable state. I think I was closer to God in those moments than I have been in a while, but I don't see why it had to be like that. I don't get why God wants me to be hurt to be close to Him. Maybe it was the only way He could get my attention, but still, I don't want to have to do that every time, either. It makes no sense because I have made honest efforts to build my relationship with Him before, and I don't get why He's holding out on me with the future spouse either. It hurts me to think that I'm still not ready. When's it gonna happen, because I'm tired of waiting. I don't want to be 40 years old or older before I meet her. If I have to wait that long, I would go nuts.
I think I'm just tired of watching people around me get married. They seem to have it all together, got their education, their career, and their beloved. They are financially secure, and the kicker, they are my age. (So I guess if you don't have your life together and you're still in school and still don't have a career, then you're going to be single until you get it all together.) I hate it. Why am I so far behind in life? It's so unfair because I know I will never be where they are as far as owning my own home and being financially secure. Not in the next two to three years anyway. It's not fair.
