A wife recently reached out to me about her struggling marriage, and in the course of our back-and-forth, I made this observation:
Do You Feel Unsafe?
At times, we all feel a little unsafe. Most people have some nervousness about sharing private thoughts and feelings, becoming physically and sexually vulnerable, and relying on the other person in a relationship.
Plus, we have all experienced disappointment and hurt. Our past wounds can make us more skittish about trusting others. Some of that hurt might well have come from your spouse, because we are flawed humans and too often say or do something careless or rude. We may even lash out at our mate when our self-protection feels triggered.
Such typical caution is not what I’m what I’m talking about when I use the word “unsafe” regarding marriages in crisis or already severed.
Rather, it happens when a spouse demonstrates a pattern of cruelty, neglect, disrespect, and/or selfishness. They have disregarded your sense of safety, leaving you feeling alone and on edge.
Let’s Look at Real-Life Examples
What makes for that deep sense of being unsafe? Here are a few examples:
- He physically abused her, making her fear for her physical safety.
- He refused to work or couldn’t hold down a job, risking their financial safety.
- He viewed pornography or acted out with others, shattering her sexual safety.
- He belittled and insulted her, eroding her emotional safety.
I worded those as he did something to her, because women more often share their stories with me, but it could certainly go the other way. A husband might feel unsafe around his wife.
Can You Come Back?
Once one spouse feels unsafe, is the marriage over? Not necessarily. Plenty of marriages come back from the brink—moving from a lack of safety to genuine, sustained trust. But it requires honesty, humility, sustained effort, and often outside help. That help might be from a couples’ therapist or simply one of you pursuing counseling on your own to shift the relationship dynamic.
Frankly, my husband and I never had a great couples’ therapy experience, but counseling on my own did wonders for my perspective and approach. Once I stopped messing up my part of things, my husband eventually changed what he was doing, and together we worked out a lot of our problems.
Others I know have had marvelous couples’ therapy experiences. And of course, some have changed their side of the relationship dynamic only to find their spouse unwilling to put forth any effort on their part.
Whether you can come back depends on your willingness to work hard and hurt more—as you work through difficult issues—to achieve true healing.
You Matter More Than Your Marriage
Some marriages absolutely should not continue because they involve the kind of oppression God consistently stood against! Isaiah 1:17 instructs us: “Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed.”
If one or both spouses have been guilty of abuse, neglect, sexual betrayal, addiction, etc., they must take full responsibility for their actions and get help to overcome. And their mate should set healthy boundaries to encourage that (see Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend).
If the offending spouse repeatedly refuses to work on their issues, then you are not safe. And as I’ve discussed before on my site, some abusers can reform (“situational abusers”), and others will not (“characterological abusers”). If you’re married to an abusive spouse who does not own their problem and want to fix it, then get help and get out. As Ephesians 5:11 says, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”
Marriage should not be sustained at the cost of one’s body, heart, and soul. Some emotional pain is normal in any relationship, and marriages in crisis usually experience greater emotional pain as they tear down the old and broken foundation to build a new one, but God doesn’t call us to suffer for no good reason. God created marriage to be between two equally valued partners, not for one to be the bully and the other to be their victim.
Take Stock of Your Safety
Do you feel unsafe in your marriage? Is it because of what your spouse has done? Or are you perhaps misreading your spouse or bringing your own baggage into your perceptions?
Is your spouse aware of how you feel? Are they acting with intention or maybe reacting to their own baggage, stress, personal flaws, etc.?
Have there been times in your relationship when you felt truly safe? If so, what made you feel that sense of security? And how could you foster that bond?
What outside help might you need to discover or regain safety in your marriage? Do you need to work on some issues individually to overcome sin or heal from past wounds?
Have you been oppressed or mistreated by your mate so much that you are truly unsafe and need to get out?
As you consider these questions, the best place to start is likely with prayer—asking God to give you wisdom and clarity. I’m saying a prayer for you too.
I write mostly about sex in marriage, but this topic has been on my mind for a while. If you want to know more about how these issues impact sexual intimacy, here are a few other posts to check out:
- What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?
- What I Hate About Sex
- What about the 3 A’s? Addiction, Adultery, and Abuse
And an episode of our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives:
The post Why Do Marriages Fall Apart? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
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