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Many people like to play with words by including “sex” in them. They talk about sexpectations (one’s assumptions about sex), sexperts (apparently I’m one!), sexting (texting sexy stuff with your mate), and—of course—Sextember.
I came across a new one the other day by pure accident. I found a cute monthly budget template on Canva, an online design platform, and printed it out. Not until I saw it on paper did I notice that the curvy arrow looked like an S.
See what I mean? I know it’s not just me, because someone else in my family commented on it. Sexpenses. What exactly would those be?
What Are Sexpenses?
When I looked up the definition of expense, the most straightforward one came from the Cambridge Dictionary: “use of money, time, or effort.” In other words, what you expend to get something else. Taking it to the area of sexuality, sexpenses would be the money, time, or effort you put forth to have sex in your marriage.
But wait! Having sex isn’t enough. It should count as true sexual intimacy—that is, the kind of sex you both want, enjoy, and feel connects with one another.
You might have come into marriage with sexpectations that you shouldn’t have to expend anything to have great sex. It should come naturally as part of being with the one you love. That’s a message common in both Christian and secular circles.
But the truth is, we need to put forth money, time, and effort to create and maintain a quality sex life.
What Are You Willing to Spend?
You may believe you’re already spent plenty! What with the cost of the wedding rings, the wedding itself, and the birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts over the years; all the time you’ve spent together; and every kind word, romantic gesture, date night, and apology you’ve given. Why would you need to expend more? Shouldn’t you be rewarded with great sex after all you’ve done?
While all of those things matter—and good for you for doing them!—let’s not overlook the extras that need to happen to keep our sexy spark going. What are those extras?
More time. As we settle into marriage, we can shortchange the buildup toward a sexual encounter. But spending time on friendship, flirting, and foreplay make a real difference in the quality of what happens once we get to the bedroom.
Also, many couples don’t spend enough time making love. Not that quickies can’t be part of your sexual repertoire, but more often than not, we should devote ample time for both spouses to settle in, come to full arousal, and reach orgasm.
Finally, more time to savor the moment, basking in the afterglow, can help us feel more cherished and bonded.
More effort. It’s funny that both higher and lower desire spouses complain to me about their beloved’s lack of effort in the sexual realm. Higher desire spouses often want their mates to put forth more effort with initiating sex and showing up with enthusiasm, while lower desire spouses often wish their mates would make a bigger effort to woo, arouse, and satisfy them.
Truth is, both spouses could usually expend more effort to meet their spouse’s deep longings. It might be time to talk about what effort from your spouse would be most meaningful in creating better sexual intimacy. Maybe it’s more romance. Maybe it’s greater passion. Maybe it’s more affirmation. Maybe it’s learning other sexual skills.
I can’t say what it is for your spouse and your marriage, but there’s likely something more you could do that speaks to your beloved’s heart.
More money. You may have cringed at the thought of mixing sex and money. But hear me out. Some couples need to expend money on a visit to a healthcare provider to address sexual pain or discomfort, low testosterone (him) or vaginal dryness (her), contraceptive options, etc. Some individuals need to pay for some therapy to heal from past trauma, and couples may need counseling to tackle relational conflict or sexual desire differences. Some couples could benefit from purchasing a marital aid that makes up for a deficiency in their lovemaking (e.g., lube for dryness, a bullet vibrator for additional stimulation to finally reach orgasm).
We could all benefit from spending some money on quality resources that help us have a better sex life (yes, like the Sex Seminar mentioned above). And many of us need to set aside funds to have date nights that reconnect us emotionally so that we feel more eager to reconnect sexually as well.
Spending more money is easy for some couples, but a real struggle for others. If you’re in the latter camp, you may need to get creative about how to manage expenses or ask for help.
Can You Spend Too Much?
Of course you can spend too much. As I said early on in this post, we’re not aiming simply for more sex but genuine sexual intimacy. And if you’ve been expending a lot of time, effort, or money for your spouse to have sex that you don’t want or enjoy, then the sexual budget in your marriage is not working well.
Sadly, I’ve heard too many stories of marriages where one spouse paid all the sexpenses and the other seemed to get all the income. If that’s where you are, then the time, money, and effort you should be spending is figuring out how to disrupt that system and advocate for something better.
Making a Sexpense Sheet
Most couples, though, simply need some tweaking. We need to take stock of how things are going, where we have some deficits, and what money, time, or effort we can expend to make things better.
Maybe jot down a few ideas and share them with your spouse. Invite them to add ideas to your “sexpense sheet.” Discuss what one or two steps you can start with and get those going.
Start now, keep at it, and you may find yourself enjoying a surplus of sexual satisfaction! Wouldn’t that be worth the extra expense?
Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.
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