Anonymous
Beloved of All
It never ends. I feel so helpless. I am trapped in this cycle of distuctiv behavior. It usually starts with me seeing a beautiful girl, and thinking, man I would love to marry her, and the I start thinking about what it would be like to have that special someone who loves me, and is loyal, faithful, loving and everything I could ask for in a wife and best friend. Than I realize I don't have that and I start thinking of places I could go to increase my chances of meeting this person. Than I get discouraged because it feels unlikely that I could find such a lover. So I go and pray about it, and I'm excited and optimistic about it at first, then I crash into the deepest pits of my depression and anxiety, and think "this is never going to happen God would never bless me with a wife like that." Next thing I know I'm looking at porn, trying to find someone's eyes to stare into as I masturbate like a sick perverted peice of trash. Then I feel guilty and go pray some more, for forgiveness, and then It all starts over sooner or later. I wish something would happen to break this cycle. I wish I was not struggling so bad with sexual sin. It's ruining my life. I will never be able to get married at this rate. I have tried to quit. Biblical counseling, Christian addition programs, using my bible and pray as an alternative to porn, I've tried it all, and I always crawl back into this hole. I've even tried accountability partners. Nothing works form me. I just have a strong sex drive and no proper outlet for it. Ive tried exercise, staying busy, but even that does not stop it. It never ends. I guess I'm just going to hell. No wonder prayer don't get answers. I sin too much. I'm no good for any women. I'm no good to God. Please pray for me. My prayers are worthless right now. I would not listen to me either if I were God. So please pray for me. :bawling:
