Silas
Beloved of All
Thank you for sharing so honestly about what happened. What you describe is painful and heavy, the shame and fear and regret, the feeling of falling into darkness and wanting Jesus to pull you out, the relapse after a long time of abstinence, the regret over a sexual encounter you did not plan, and the anxiety about a possible pregnancy when you know you are not ready. God sees all of that, and He hears your prayer for mercy.
Part of what makes this so painful is that deep inside you know what is right. The law of God is good because it shows us what sin is. Without it we would not clearly see that strong desires and acting on them outside of His design are sin. You said you delight in wanting to do what is right and to wait for a love that is real and committed, yet you feel another power at work in your body and mind that wars against what you want to do. That struggle is real. Scripture describes it as a war between wanting to please God inwardly and being pulled by the desires of the flesh. That war leaves a person crying out, who will deliver me.
Temptation itself is not the sin. Even Jesus was tempted and understands that pressure. Sin comes when desire is allowed to conceive and we yield to it and follow the path it suggests. A drug, exhaustion, old wounds from being harassed and used, and being in a vulnerable place can weaken resistance, but yielding still brings forth sin, and sin when it is finished brings death, first a separation in our fellowship with God, and then its wider ruin in our lives. God warns against sexual sin not to be harsh, but because it ruins. Sex is His gift, and He designed it to be enjoyed within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. Any use outside of that commitment twists His good intention.
You are right to call what happened sin, and you are right to confess it. Sin, even when forgiven, can leave marks and consequences that remain for a time. It can leave a scar on the conscience and effects that cannot simply be undone. David knew that heaviness, how God's hand felt heavy day and night under conviction until he confessed his sin, and then knew the happiness of having the load taken away and guilt removed. That is the path for you as well. If you confess your sin, God is faithful to forgive. Forgiveness does not come by trying harder to keep the law. Our righteousness before God does not rest on our own ability to keep the law perfectly. It rests on looking to Christ on the cross bearing your sin and its punishment and purchasing your redemption. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who choose to walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit.
That walking after the Spirit is where strength comes from. You describe yourself as weak minded, especially around men who have harassed and used you since childhood. That history has wounded you, and it makes sense that you feel vulnerable. Willpower alone will not keep you safe. There is a law of sin and death at work in our fallen nature, but there is a greater law, the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus, that can make you free from that other law. It is like a greater power that expels the lesser. You become a servant of the one you choose to obey. You were once a servant of sin, but when you obey from the heart the truth of the gospel you become a servant of righteousness. The wages of serving sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. That gift cannot be earned. It is received by believing in Jesus.
Your desire to wait to have a child until you are in a faithful marriage with a man who truly loves you is a good and right desire. It reflects God's design. Do not ask God to bless a sexual relationship outside of marriage, but do ask Him to help you honor Him by reserving sex for marriage and by learning to step away when you are in danger. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It is not a cringing fear, but an awe and reverence for who God is that teaches us to hate evil and to turn from it. That reverence helps you make practical choices to flee temptation rather than to see how close you can get to it.
In the days ahead, bring your whole situation to the Lord in honest confession and receive His forgiveness. Ask Him to fill you with His Spirit so you can live after the Spirit and respond after the Spirit when temptation comes. Ask Him to heal the old wounds from childhood and from these past hard years, and to lift you out of that black hole of darkness. You asked for Jesus to grab you out, and He is able to deliver. He is a high priest who understands temptation and is able to help you.
It is also wise to take practical steps. Stay away from drugs and from people and places that put you at risk. Do not be alone with a man in a private setting when you are vulnerable. Seek trusted, godly support around you, a mature believer or counselor you can call when you feel tempted to stay instead of leaving, and help for the substance relapse. Because you are anxious about pregnancy, it is wise to speak confidentially with a medical professional who can give you accurate information and care, and to seek support for your mental and physical health as you recover.
I will pray for you, that God in His mercy would forgive your sin through Christ, that He would restore your fellowship with Him and take away condemnation, that He would grant you peace as you wait to see what the outcome will be and help you trust His will, that He would strengthen you by His Spirit to walk in purity and to have wisdom to step away quickly when bad situations arise, that He would heal you from the effects of past harassment and give you a renewed mind, and that He would lead you in the future to a marriage that reflects His faithfulness if it is His will, where love and commitment come before physical intimacy.
Part of what makes this so painful is that deep inside you know what is right. The law of God is good because it shows us what sin is. Without it we would not clearly see that strong desires and acting on them outside of His design are sin. You said you delight in wanting to do what is right and to wait for a love that is real and committed, yet you feel another power at work in your body and mind that wars against what you want to do. That struggle is real. Scripture describes it as a war between wanting to please God inwardly and being pulled by the desires of the flesh. That war leaves a person crying out, who will deliver me.
Temptation itself is not the sin. Even Jesus was tempted and understands that pressure. Sin comes when desire is allowed to conceive and we yield to it and follow the path it suggests. A drug, exhaustion, old wounds from being harassed and used, and being in a vulnerable place can weaken resistance, but yielding still brings forth sin, and sin when it is finished brings death, first a separation in our fellowship with God, and then its wider ruin in our lives. God warns against sexual sin not to be harsh, but because it ruins. Sex is His gift, and He designed it to be enjoyed within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. Any use outside of that commitment twists His good intention.
You are right to call what happened sin, and you are right to confess it. Sin, even when forgiven, can leave marks and consequences that remain for a time. It can leave a scar on the conscience and effects that cannot simply be undone. David knew that heaviness, how God's hand felt heavy day and night under conviction until he confessed his sin, and then knew the happiness of having the load taken away and guilt removed. That is the path for you as well. If you confess your sin, God is faithful to forgive. Forgiveness does not come by trying harder to keep the law. Our righteousness before God does not rest on our own ability to keep the law perfectly. It rests on looking to Christ on the cross bearing your sin and its punishment and purchasing your redemption. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who choose to walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit.
That walking after the Spirit is where strength comes from. You describe yourself as weak minded, especially around men who have harassed and used you since childhood. That history has wounded you, and it makes sense that you feel vulnerable. Willpower alone will not keep you safe. There is a law of sin and death at work in our fallen nature, but there is a greater law, the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus, that can make you free from that other law. It is like a greater power that expels the lesser. You become a servant of the one you choose to obey. You were once a servant of sin, but when you obey from the heart the truth of the gospel you become a servant of righteousness. The wages of serving sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. That gift cannot be earned. It is received by believing in Jesus.
Your desire to wait to have a child until you are in a faithful marriage with a man who truly loves you is a good and right desire. It reflects God's design. Do not ask God to bless a sexual relationship outside of marriage, but do ask Him to help you honor Him by reserving sex for marriage and by learning to step away when you are in danger. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It is not a cringing fear, but an awe and reverence for who God is that teaches us to hate evil and to turn from it. That reverence helps you make practical choices to flee temptation rather than to see how close you can get to it.
In the days ahead, bring your whole situation to the Lord in honest confession and receive His forgiveness. Ask Him to fill you with His Spirit so you can live after the Spirit and respond after the Spirit when temptation comes. Ask Him to heal the old wounds from childhood and from these past hard years, and to lift you out of that black hole of darkness. You asked for Jesus to grab you out, and He is able to deliver. He is a high priest who understands temptation and is able to help you.
It is also wise to take practical steps. Stay away from drugs and from people and places that put you at risk. Do not be alone with a man in a private setting when you are vulnerable. Seek trusted, godly support around you, a mature believer or counselor you can call when you feel tempted to stay instead of leaving, and help for the substance relapse. Because you are anxious about pregnancy, it is wise to speak confidentially with a medical professional who can give you accurate information and care, and to seek support for your mental and physical health as you recover.
I will pray for you, that God in His mercy would forgive your sin through Christ, that He would restore your fellowship with Him and take away condemnation, that He would grant you peace as you wait to see what the outcome will be and help you trust His will, that He would strengthen you by His Spirit to walk in purity and to have wisdom to step away quickly when bad situations arise, that He would heal you from the effects of past harassment and give you a renewed mind, and that He would lead you in the future to a marriage that reflects His faithfulness if it is His will, where love and commitment come before physical intimacy.
