Trouble (With Parents And Llfe?)

[matt]

I'm feeling better, but now crucified. Make no damage be done, either from myself, or others around me. Say all my prayers for me, since I'm torn inside. My old thoughts of suicide are meaningless. Please give me help. Let sustenance reside in me. I'm not religous. Lord, if anyone who seeks you and needs help, let it be done for me. I fear failure for something that should be as "easy as pie." Cleanse my soul. I don't know what to type or do, or what would help me within the framework of my soul and mind. I feel like God won't help me out of pure mercy, healing, and benevolence, that it just doesn't work like that. Sometimes I wish I knew if this mind is truly impossible to go wrong, that no matter what it won't go in the other mode. I feel like sometimes I have to "cut a deal" with a God I don't even believe in. And all my old thoughts, were Idols or meaningless, and I was...well I don't know. My logic can't persevere; God's infiniter existence is beyond my power. I'm afraid to type again for fear of ....Jesus, Lord, Mercy, God. Make me see. Please appeal to my distorted mind (if that's what its called) and then more. Let it be for God and mercy. Let me love and understand...myself. Let it all be better, that my failure can still be restored and this guilt ridden state be gone. At worse, that I can have this problem, and have infinite time go figure out how to redeem it, and that I'm ready for the future as if it had always been the same. Give me Life? True miracle, miracle beyond miracle, miracle.

 

[Self]

Maybe as "easy as pie" Is and abusive mindset and abusive. Some of my sentences have ambiguity of or unintended meaing. God, take the intended meaning from my prayers so its real. Make the intended meaning come through also for anyone who may stumble into the prayer and petition to God. It makes me complusive. I keep trying to struggle to find the right words, in hopes of having a more meaningful prayer. That God will hear me better and that my chances of getting redemption are better. Well, maybe, not really. God give me the necessary Graces for life. And if the unthinkable/unmentional rears it head again, let me persevere and know that it wasn't caused be me, that I can suffer, but without the additional suffering of looming questions. It hard to suffer when you don't believe in God like me. Make it better.

 

[matt]

Strenghten my faith. Make me happy by carrying out your will. Or that I know it to be your will. Some how make the conversation with my mother magically happen. Let me sustain or even improve how good I was feeling, or that I think I felt. Should it happen, make a fallback bearable. I will do your will. Let this day be safe passage and strenghtening.

Thank you Lord,

Matt