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The most common sex struggle I hear from spouses is a mismatch in sexual desire. One wants sex more often than their mate, while the other wants it less often than their mate.
Roughly speaking, it’s about half of marriages where the husband wants sex more, about a quarter where the wife wants sex more, and about a quarter where husband and wife are fairly matched. Of course, marriage can move in and out of those categories in different seasons, so that’s a one-time snapshot that represents the general distribution.
How can you address this mismatch in sexual desire?
Before we talk that out, may I remind you that I have a new resource on this very question? It’s the 2025 Sex Seminar, with 25 sex and marriage experts sharing practical insights, and my presentation is titled “The Higher Desire Handbook.” Right now, you can get the full seminar for only $35 with my unique link. Okay, moving on now.
We should begin with this truth: sex isn’t just a physical act. If it’s been treated like that in your marriage, by you or your spouse, it isn’t getting the due it deserves.
God created us not to want simply physical pleasure and sexual release but to pursue intimacy with a partner we’ve committed to. It carries with it a lot of emotions.
When the gap is large, however, those emotions often become negative. The higher or lower desire spouse feels hurt for different reasons, but they may not understand what their mate is feeling.
Today, I’m hoping to change that.
Some time back, I posted How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels followed by How the Sexually Disinterested Spouse Feels. Since then, I’ve realized how often we begin these discussions with the rejected spouse, perhaps making it feel to the lower desire one that the focus is on fueling a sense of guilt. That’s absolutely not my goal! So I want to start with you, dear spouse, who wants sex less than your mate.
First off, I recognize that you may have good reasons for not having sex often, or even at all. After reading this post, I suggest you check out 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex. But when less interested spouses share how they feel, many of the same words get mentioned:
Some of these emotions may have come from how the higher desire spouse handled the issue—pushing or pleading instead of than inviting and appreciating. That’s not okay.
But such feelings can also come from internal insecurities and/or bad messages about sex from various sources. For instance, far too many women have been told that sex is for men (so have far too many men!) and thus enter marriage with a belief that they must perform or their husband won’t have his needs met—and even that he might start looking elsewhere. (See The #1 Myth Christian Women Learned about Sex.) I long for you to embrace better truths about yourself and sexual intimacy as God intended.
As for the higher desire spouse reading this, please take a moment—a really looooong moment—to have compassion for your spouse going through such painful emotions. What a burden to feel all that! And we are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Rather than try to correct the record or argue with their emotions, get curious. Ask what your spouse feels and why, really listen, and consider how you can demonstrate a desire not just in sex but for intimacy with the one you chose and love.
Meanwhile, the higher desire spouse experiences their own emotions about the situation. Now, I’m not talking about the spouse who periodically gets a no. That should be no big deal. Everyone in marriage should have the option of saying no to a particular invitation to have sex. There’s always tomorrow or the next day.
Rather, spouses who experience ongoing sexual refusal or disinterest from their spouse say that they feel:
Yes, they might talk about some physical discomfort when they’ve gone a while without sex, but the vast majority of what I hear from higher desire spouses is a sense of loneliness and sadness. They long for the kind of intimacy that uniquely comes from sexual closeness.
It may help some lower desire spouses out there to recognize that, expressed or not, a stack of nos can add up to real feelings of rejection. That doesn’t mean a less interested spouse needs to schlep themselves to the bedroom for more sex. But perhaps this knowledge will inspire someone out there to work on closing the desire gap and learning how to have sex that you both enjoy.
We can make a lot out of being different: our family origins, men vs women, higher or lower sexual desire. But whatever the distinctions, we have more in common than not. We are human. As Shakespeare famously said, “If you prick us, do we not bleed?” Yes, we all do. We also “bleed” emotions inside.
If you’re struggling with mismatched desire in your marriage, it may be time to think less about what you’re going through and more about what emotions your spouse is having. How do they view the gap? Do they have hurts that will take time to heal? Do they need reassurance of your love? Can you change your approach in some way to become more of a team working through this common challenge?
REMINDER: I can help you with becoming that better team, with my video on “The Higher Desire Handbook,” now available through the 2025 Sex Seminar. You’ll also find a session for lower desire spouses, as well as 23 other presentations. All for the low cost of ONLY $35 with my unique link. OR get the 6-year bundle of Sex Seminars for only $69. Don’t miss out on this deal!
References:
Feldhahn, Shaunti, and Michael Sytsma. “Part of the Marriage Intimacy Project – Survey Data And …” Secrets of Sex & Marriage, January 30, 2023. https://secretsofsexandmarriage.com...-sex-and-marriage_demo_research-doc_V23-1.pdf.
William Shakespeare. The Merchant of Venice. Barbara Mowat, Paul Werstine, Michael Poston, Rebecca Niles, eds (Washington, DC: Folger Shakespeare Library, n.d.), accessed September 18, 2025. The Merchant of Venice - Act 3, scene 1 | Folger Shakespeare Library.
The post The Emotional Gap of Mismatched Desires appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
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The most common sex struggle I hear from spouses is a mismatch in sexual desire. One wants sex more often than their mate, while the other wants it less often than their mate.
Roughly speaking, it’s about half of marriages where the husband wants sex more, about a quarter where the wife wants sex more, and about a quarter where husband and wife are fairly matched. Of course, marriage can move in and out of those categories in different seasons, so that’s a one-time snapshot that represents the general distribution.
How can you address this mismatch in sexual desire?
Before we talk that out, may I remind you that I have a new resource on this very question? It’s the 2025 Sex Seminar, with 25 sex and marriage experts sharing practical insights, and my presentation is titled “The Higher Desire Handbook.” Right now, you can get the full seminar for only $35 with my unique link. Okay, moving on now.
Sex Is Emotional
We should begin with this truth: sex isn’t just a physical act. If it’s been treated like that in your marriage, by you or your spouse, it isn’t getting the due it deserves.
God created us not to want simply physical pleasure and sexual release but to pursue intimacy with a partner we’ve committed to. It carries with it a lot of emotions.
When the gap is large, however, those emotions often become negative. The higher or lower desire spouse feels hurt for different reasons, but they may not understand what their mate is feeling.
Today, I’m hoping to change that.
The Less Interested Spouse
Some time back, I posted How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels followed by How the Sexually Disinterested Spouse Feels. Since then, I’ve realized how often we begin these discussions with the rejected spouse, perhaps making it feel to the lower desire one that the focus is on fueling a sense of guilt. That’s absolutely not my goal! So I want to start with you, dear spouse, who wants sex less than your mate.
First off, I recognize that you may have good reasons for not having sex often, or even at all. After reading this post, I suggest you check out 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex. But when less interested spouses share how they feel, many of the same words get mentioned:
- Angry
- Annoyed
- Broken
- Discouraged
- Exhausted
- Frustrated
- Inadequate
- Objectified
- Obligated
- Overwhelmed
- Pressured
- Resentful
- Used
Some of these emotions may have come from how the higher desire spouse handled the issue—pushing or pleading instead of than inviting and appreciating. That’s not okay.
But such feelings can also come from internal insecurities and/or bad messages about sex from various sources. For instance, far too many women have been told that sex is for men (so have far too many men!) and thus enter marriage with a belief that they must perform or their husband won’t have his needs met—and even that he might start looking elsewhere. (See The #1 Myth Christian Women Learned about Sex.) I long for you to embrace better truths about yourself and sexual intimacy as God intended.
As for the higher desire spouse reading this, please take a moment—a really looooong moment—to have compassion for your spouse going through such painful emotions. What a burden to feel all that! And we are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Rather than try to correct the record or argue with their emotions, get curious. Ask what your spouse feels and why, really listen, and consider how you can demonstrate a desire not just in sex but for intimacy with the one you chose and love.
The More Interested Spouse
Meanwhile, the higher desire spouse experiences their own emotions about the situation. Now, I’m not talking about the spouse who periodically gets a no. That should be no big deal. Everyone in marriage should have the option of saying no to a particular invitation to have sex. There’s always tomorrow or the next day.
Rather, spouses who experience ongoing sexual refusal or disinterest from their spouse say that they feel:
- Alone
- Anxious
- Disappointed
- Disconnected
- Frustrated
- Heartbroken
- Inadequate
- Needy
- Neglected
- Resentful
- Selfish
- Undesirable
Yes, they might talk about some physical discomfort when they’ve gone a while without sex, but the vast majority of what I hear from higher desire spouses is a sense of loneliness and sadness. They long for the kind of intimacy that uniquely comes from sexual closeness.
It may help some lower desire spouses out there to recognize that, expressed or not, a stack of nos can add up to real feelings of rejection. That doesn’t mean a less interested spouse needs to schlep themselves to the bedroom for more sex. But perhaps this knowledge will inspire someone out there to work on closing the desire gap and learning how to have sex that you both enjoy.
Do We Not Bleed?
We can make a lot out of being different: our family origins, men vs women, higher or lower sexual desire. But whatever the distinctions, we have more in common than not. We are human. As Shakespeare famously said, “If you prick us, do we not bleed?” Yes, we all do. We also “bleed” emotions inside.
If you’re struggling with mismatched desire in your marriage, it may be time to think less about what you’re going through and more about what emotions your spouse is having. How do they view the gap? Do they have hurts that will take time to heal? Do they need reassurance of your love? Can you change your approach in some way to become more of a team working through this common challenge?
REMINDER: I can help you with becoming that better team, with my video on “The Higher Desire Handbook,” now available through the 2025 Sex Seminar. You’ll also find a session for lower desire spouses, as well as 23 other presentations. All for the low cost of ONLY $35 with my unique link. OR get the 6-year bundle of Sex Seminars for only $69. Don’t miss out on this deal!
References:
Feldhahn, Shaunti, and Michael Sytsma. “Part of the Marriage Intimacy Project – Survey Data And …” Secrets of Sex & Marriage, January 30, 2023. https://secretsofsexandmarriage.com...-sex-and-marriage_demo_research-doc_V23-1.pdf.
William Shakespeare. The Merchant of Venice. Barbara Mowat, Paul Werstine, Michael Poston, Rebecca Niles, eds (Washington, DC: Folger Shakespeare Library, n.d.), accessed September 18, 2025. The Merchant of Venice - Act 3, scene 1 | Folger Shakespeare Library.
The post The Emotional Gap of Mismatched Desires appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
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