First and foremost, I just want to say, I'm just venting some very negative feelings right now. so as the title implies, I'm just going to talk.
I don't know where to begin. I feel spiritually numb right now. I watch someone get asked to homecoming tonight for her sweet sixteen. I was never close enough to anyone to do things like that, I never got a date to those events. I was too shy to ask, and no one gave a rats butt about my existence in high school anyway. All girls seemed to care about was football players. I was a swimmer so I did not exist on anyone's radar. I mean honestly, what do you say when you feel like God has been ignoring you for ten years. I could ask why but, what's the point? I thought God cared about my best interest. Instead, he seems to think I can do without. I guess losers like me never find romance. I want so much love, and I don't feel like I'm receiving that love from God. I accepted Jesus into my heart, and recommitted time and time again, tried to read my Bible more with a better relationship with God in mind, yet I still feel a million miles away from him. I feel so desperate and alone, and the worst part is no one seems to understand. I'm trying to communicate with God, and he just does not seem to hear me, and I try communicating with people close to me but I just wind up making them angry at me, because I'm too depressed to say anything positive at that point. I try to just keep these conversations between me and God, but I need an encouraging message from the Lord himself. I want to be spoken to. I try to listen in the quiet for his love and grace, and his word to comfort me, but I hear nothing but silence. Am I even saved? I asked Jesus to come into my heart and confessed that I believed his son died on the cross for me. I was baptized, and I praise God in public in front of other people, sometimes a whole audience, yet I don't feel saved. I feel like I missed something. Was I predestined for hell? The truth is I'm struggling with my faith. I try to stay positive, and keep praying and reading but I'm exhausted. And yes, it's because I'm still single, and have never been on a date. Satan knows I'm weak in my trusting God for a bride, and with patience, uses it against me. Boy does he use it against me. I just keep thinking, "maybe God won't send me a Godly woman, because I'm not really a Christian." Is that true? I don't know, I'm not sure of anything right now. How do I know I'm really saved? Why does God keep blessing my friends with what I prayed for in my life? It does not make any sense. It's not fair. Am I not praying hard enough? I need peace. I need rest. I need God to help me, because I'm drowning. My faith is dying. I don't want to be single. Why do I have to be single? Why does God ignore me when I asked him for a Godly woman to court, and why am I always so depressed? I try to praise God in the pain but now I'm just trying to make it through. I keep seeing these preachers on TV telling me that I have nothing to be upset about. If that's so true then why does it bother me so much that I'm single? I don't know what to say or do. I feel so hopeless. It hurts being so uncertain of everything, and not even knowing if my prayers have made a difference. So hard to keep my faith in prayer when I have not seen any results. 10 years is a long time. It's too long. Why is God keeping me waiting so long, and why do I not feel peace? I'm tired of my life. I never feel like anyone truly accepts me for me in the church. Sometimes I even wonder if my family accepts me the way I am. I want to feel loved by God. What did I do wrong? I want to be joyful, and not depressed, I even asked God to create in me a heart of Joy. I try to remind myself that I have good things going in my life, but not having that special girl just seems to outweigh everything else and I don't know why. I know part of it has to do with my autism but, it should not be able to control me like this, and yet I find myself at war with it all the time. I ask God for help, but it seems like it only works some of the time. I don't know how to ask for a future spouse, and no one else's prayers seem to be making a difference either. Why is it so hard being single, and looking to God for help with it? It makes no sense.
I don't know where to begin. I feel spiritually numb right now. I watch someone get asked to homecoming tonight for her sweet sixteen. I was never close enough to anyone to do things like that, I never got a date to those events. I was too shy to ask, and no one gave a rats butt about my existence in high school anyway. All girls seemed to care about was football players. I was a swimmer so I did not exist on anyone's radar. I mean honestly, what do you say when you feel like God has been ignoring you for ten years. I could ask why but, what's the point? I thought God cared about my best interest. Instead, he seems to think I can do without. I guess losers like me never find romance. I want so much love, and I don't feel like I'm receiving that love from God. I accepted Jesus into my heart, and recommitted time and time again, tried to read my Bible more with a better relationship with God in mind, yet I still feel a million miles away from him. I feel so desperate and alone, and the worst part is no one seems to understand. I'm trying to communicate with God, and he just does not seem to hear me, and I try communicating with people close to me but I just wind up making them angry at me, because I'm too depressed to say anything positive at that point. I try to just keep these conversations between me and God, but I need an encouraging message from the Lord himself. I want to be spoken to. I try to listen in the quiet for his love and grace, and his word to comfort me, but I hear nothing but silence. Am I even saved? I asked Jesus to come into my heart and confessed that I believed his son died on the cross for me. I was baptized, and I praise God in public in front of other people, sometimes a whole audience, yet I don't feel saved. I feel like I missed something. Was I predestined for hell? The truth is I'm struggling with my faith. I try to stay positive, and keep praying and reading but I'm exhausted. And yes, it's because I'm still single, and have never been on a date. Satan knows I'm weak in my trusting God for a bride, and with patience, uses it against me. Boy does he use it against me. I just keep thinking, "maybe God won't send me a Godly woman, because I'm not really a Christian." Is that true? I don't know, I'm not sure of anything right now. How do I know I'm really saved? Why does God keep blessing my friends with what I prayed for in my life? It does not make any sense. It's not fair. Am I not praying hard enough? I need peace. I need rest. I need God to help me, because I'm drowning. My faith is dying. I don't want to be single. Why do I have to be single? Why does God ignore me when I asked him for a Godly woman to court, and why am I always so depressed? I try to praise God in the pain but now I'm just trying to make it through. I keep seeing these preachers on TV telling me that I have nothing to be upset about. If that's so true then why does it bother me so much that I'm single? I don't know what to say or do. I feel so hopeless. It hurts being so uncertain of everything, and not even knowing if my prayers have made a difference. So hard to keep my faith in prayer when I have not seen any results. 10 years is a long time. It's too long. Why is God keeping me waiting so long, and why do I not feel peace? I'm tired of my life. I never feel like anyone truly accepts me for me in the church. Sometimes I even wonder if my family accepts me the way I am. I want to feel loved by God. What did I do wrong? I want to be joyful, and not depressed, I even asked God to create in me a heart of Joy. I try to remind myself that I have good things going in my life, but not having that special girl just seems to outweigh everything else and I don't know why. I know part of it has to do with my autism but, it should not be able to control me like this, and yet I find myself at war with it all the time. I ask God for help, but it seems like it only works some of the time. I don't know how to ask for a future spouse, and no one else's prayers seem to be making a difference either. Why is it so hard being single, and looking to God for help with it? It makes no sense.
