Struggle's No Longer Worth The Fight

[Anonymous]

Been fighting thoughts of suicide since before I was a teenager, more than fifty years. It is obvious I've had to fight on my own. It's almost like heaven and hell are in concert, but instead of striking me down, they've been smacking me around like a cat plays with a mouse before it kills it. I know my family would be glad if I was no longer around. No family of my own. I've always had love to give but I was cursed to be alone. What is the point?! I have notebooks full of documentation of my struggles. I've received nothing for my hard fought efforts. I've always had to fight alone, even when growing up in my so called Christian family. For whatever reason, God seems to always be on the side of those who make themselves an enemy to me. I figured it was obvious that God preordained me to not only be the family's scapegoat, but also to be the family's sacrifice for all the sins of my family. Many times I could have been easily killed in my life, but God saved me. You would think that would be a good thing. Over the last 10 years, I realized that the only reason I was saved so many times was because I was being kept alive to be the sponge for the sins of, not just my own, but also for all the sins of everyone in my family. I worried that if I had committed suicide then God would cast me to hell for refusing to be the "special" family sacrifice. I have prayed every night in the name of Jesus for God to kill me with my untreatable Sleep Apnea. But, as usual, instill survive, not only every night, but also every time I take a nap. Now I have found some peace for my self inflicted demise. I found a sermon on YouTube of ### saying that God dies not condemn a Christian to hell for suicide. Though the Bible doesn't specifically say what happens to a Christian who committed suicide, ### uses examples of noted people in the Bible who committed suicide. I would think Jesus Christ and God the Father would be understanding and compassionate and welcome such wounded souls into heaven. But then again, NOBODY REALLY KNOWS. However, I trust ### more than any pastor I've ever listened to. I was going to wait until my birthday at the end of July - after all, why not end end it all on the day I was born! It's like going full circle. However, I just can't hang on any longer. I have o car to get back and forth to and from work 20 miles away. I have to rely on rental cars and Lyft rides. They are draining every dollar I make at work. I can't afford to break away from work long enough to find work closer. I am in my ### so my employment options are limited. Trying to survive on retirement and PT work isn't feasible either because Social Security limts you to less than a livable wage. Fir every dollar over the limit, SS penalizes you $2. The SS office has nothing but non English speaking illegals working in the SS offices so they cannot answer any questions. They just give you handouts to read and a breakdown of what one can make. I live in a motel. Though I do 't pay for water, electric, cable, etc, it still drains me as I pay every week if I miss paying, then I lose my room. Ever since I lost my house some years ago, what household goods I could keep are in a storage unit. If I miss I month, myick will be cut and my goods put up for auction. I can't even afford to take the time needed to go through my stuff and sell things. My family has alienated me and I had to block them from all means of communications because of their immature, hostile, hatred against me. Even my parents were just as guilty when they were alive. I don't know what I ever did to cause them to hate me for as long as I can remember. When I ask them what I did, they have no answer but then kick me I emails to each other and refer to me in third person and each one of them copies me on every email therefore, I would get 5 copies of every email If God loved me, this would not be happening. I've tried for decades to be the sensible one. Even 2 of my sisters commented on how well I've handled "the situation ". But still they never defended me, nor called anyone out on their hatefulness towards me. Even my dad, years ago, admitted his hatred for me on his deathbed. When he did that, it just emboldened me siblings to verbally and outwardly show and display their hatred for me. I can't stop the financial, spiritual, mental, emotional, self-preservational bleeding anymore. I'm about to decide and that's the last thing I want anyone to see of me, or remember me for. Since God will not take me, I am forced to do it myself. ### has given me some peace since I listened to that old sermon of his just 2 days ago. I can't make financially until my birthday next month. Therefore, I must do this before everything falls apart. My days left are short so I must do this before EVERYTHING irreparably crashes. I'm going out on my own terms as best as I can. I am off work the next 2 days. So it might be Friday or Saturday, or next Fri or Sat. Either way, it will be before my birthday because my funds won't last that long. I am sorry that I can't do this any longer but God could have taken me at any time if He wanted to, especially since I've asked Him in every prayer of mine every night for the last several years. I don't know when my family would ever find out, especially since I won't be leaving any information behind for any authorities. Isn't this how most broken, lonely, poor old men end up? Destitute, broken, drained, hopeless, and unloved alone in a motel room with whatever means possible to end it all. I've already begun drinking "liquid courage" just to numb myself leading up to it. I may hanging long enough to make it another week, but I'm used to something else ambushing me. Therefore, I cannot promise when exactly it will happen but at this point, anything can trigger the desperate act to end all this inner and outer hell. Hopefully this is the only hell I' m left to go through. I'm looking forward to the peace, happiness, and serenity and beauty in heaven. I thank ### for his reassuring message. It probably isn't a coincidence that I came across this sermon of his just this week, after all the all the years and sermons of his that I have heard, I do not recall ever hearing this sermon of his. I can feel the alcohol taking affect so I will close now before I end up falling asleep. I ask God for forgiveness and I hope He appreciates the fight i'put up for so long to survive . But, what's the point int fighting your attackers when you're going to die in the end anyway?! My soul is in the hands of Jesus and God now. Thank you for "listening" and praying for me. You do not need to pray for me anymore. Tne outcome is now left to God and Jesus. I just wish I had some true love from someone in my life. love is everything, but God obviously deemed me unworthy of love on earth. But, love is guaranteed in heaven...right? I had to tell someone, so I'm telling you all. Maybe my words could be useful in some way to help others. Maybe that's all I have to leave behind, for whatever it may be worth, IF anything at all. My birth was a difficult one and it could have ended badly. If God had let me die at birth, it sure would have saved me from all this hell for more than ### years. I almost choked to death on a nickel at age ###. I almost drowned in a swimming pool at age ###. I came very close to being a gator snack in a Florida lake at the age of ###. I could go on... even to the night I swerved to miss a deer on a dark winding road in the mountains; I ended up hitting a telephone pole.. my vehicle flipped several times and came to rest on it's side. I had to escape out the sunroof. And ALL the times I could have died all these years from my untreatable OSA! Why would God have saved me so many times?!?!? Well, maybe He'll let me in on the secret in heaven. But what would it matter then? If I'm not worthy of Heaven, then, IF there are horses in heaven, then maybe God will let me take care of them. I don't know how to end this. What's the most appropriate closing? My prayers to all until we all meet in Heaven. I hope I'll be there, but, in the end, God and Jesus have the final say. I leave it up to them. Sorry I'm dumping this all on you, but I have no one to tell. Thank you for your prayers; you no longer need to pray for me. I guess this is the way Heaven wants it and who am I to question it???

 

[Articles]

We hear the depth of your pain, the weight of your loneliness, and the exhaustion of a battle that has raged for far too long. Your words carry the heaviness of decades of suffering, and we want you to know that your life matters, deeply, to the One who created you. You are not a scapegoat, a sacrifice, or an afterthought in God’s eyes. You are His beloved child, fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and He has not abandoned you, even when it feels like the world has.

The enemy has whispered lies to you for far too long, that you are unloved, unwanted, and that your life has no purpose. But Scripture tells us that the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, while Jesus came that we may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10). The despair you feel is not from God; it is the work of the enemy, who seeks to isolate you, to make you believe that you are alone in this fight. But you are not alone. We stand with you in prayer, and more importantly, the Holy Spirit intercedes for you with groanings too deep for words (Romans 8:26).

You have carried a burden that was never meant for you to bear alone. The family dynamics you describe, being treated as a scapegoat, enduring hatred, and feeling invisible, are not reflections of your worth but of the brokenness of those around you. Their sin is not your responsibility, nor is it your fault. Jesus bore the weight of sin on the cross so that you would not have to carry it (1 Peter 2:24). You are not cursed; you are deeply loved by a Savior who understands rejection, betrayal, and abandonment (Isaiah 53:3). He was despised and rejected by men, a man of suffering and acquainted with grief. He knows your pain because He has walked through it Himself.

You mentioned that you have prayed for God to take your life, and yet He has preserved you. This is not because He is punishing you or using you as a "sponge" for the sins of others. It is because He has a purpose for you that you may not yet see. The psalmist cried out, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God" (Psalm 42:5). Even in the darkest moments, God is working. He has saved you time and time again because He is not done with you yet. Your story is not over.

We must address the topic of suicide with great care and truth. While we understand the depth of your despair, we cannot ignore what Scripture teaches about the sanctity of life. Your life is a gift from God (Genesis 2:7), and He alone has the authority to give and take it (Job 1:21). Suicide is not the answer, nor is it an act that God condones. The sermon you referenced may have offered some comfort, but we must stand on the truth of God’s Word. The Bible does not explicitly state what happens to a believer who takes their own life, but we know that salvation is by grace through faith in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 2:8-9), and nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). However, suicide is not God’s design for ending suffering. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and it leaves behind a wake of pain for those who care about you, even if you do not see it now.

You are not a burden, and your life is not without value. The financial struggles, the loneliness, the exhaustion, these are real, and we do not minimize them. But God promises to provide for your needs (Philippians 4:19) and to give you strength when you are weak (Isaiah 40:31). He sees your tears (Psalm 56:8) and collects them in a bottle. He hears your cries, and He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). You are not forgotten.

We must also address the alcohol you mentioned. Turning to substances to numb the pain will only deepen the despair. The Bible warns us, "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit" (Ephesians 5:18). The Holy Spirit is the Comforter you need, not temporary escapes that leave you feeling emptier than before. We urge you to seek help, whether through a pastor, a Christian counselor, or a support group. You do not have to fight this battle alone.

You asked if love is guaranteed in heaven, and the answer is a resounding yes. But love is not just for heaven, it is for here and now. God’s love is available to you today, in this moment. He loves you with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3), and nothing you have done or will do can change that. You are not unworthy of love; you are the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8). The love you long for is not just a future hope, it is a present reality in Christ.

We want to pray for you now, not because we believe your outcome is sealed, but because we believe in a God who can redeem even the darkest of circumstances. We pray that He would break the chains of despair that have bound you for so long. We pray that He would open your eyes to see the purpose He has for you, even in this season of struggle. We pray that He would surround you with people who will love you, support you, and remind you of your worth in Him. We pray that He would provide for your needs, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. We pray that He would heal the wounds inflicted by your family and replace the lies of the enemy with His truth. We pray that He would give you the strength to keep fighting, not in your own power, but in His.

Father God, we come before You with heavy hearts, lifting up our brother who is in deep pain. Lord, You see his suffering, and You collect every tear he has shed. We ask that You would break the spirit of despair that has taken hold of him. Replace it with Your peace, which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). Remind him of Your love, which is steadfast and unchanging. Show him that he is not alone, that You are with him, and that You have a plan for his life, a plan for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Provide for his needs, Lord, and surround him with people who will speak life into him. Heal the wounds of his past and give him the strength to keep going. We ask that You would reveal Yourself to him in a powerful way, that he would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You are real, that You love him, and that You have not abandoned him. In Jesus’ mighty name, we pray. Amen.

We urge you to reach out to someone, a pastor, a counselor, a trusted friend, before you make any irreversible decisions. You are not a burden, and your life is worth fighting for. God has not brought you this far to leave you now. There is hope, even when it feels impossible to see. The same God who parted the Red Sea, raised Lazarus from the dead, and conquered the grave is able to turn your mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). Hold on. Keep fighting. Your story is not over, and God is not done with you yet.

 

[hostadmin]

We are so sorry for the depth of pain you are carrying. You have been fighting for so long, and we hear how exhausted and alone you feel. Before we say anything else, we must say this plainly: if you are in immediate danger of acting on these thoughts, please stop and reach out to your local emergency services right now. For free, confidential support from trained people who understand, you can also find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. You do not have to face the next moment alone.

We will not pretend to have answers for why your family has treated you this way, or why the financial walls have closed in so tightly. What we can tell you is that your presence matters. You mentioned your words might be useful to help others, and even now, your honesty about this struggle is a lifeline to someone who will read it and realize they are not the only one. That is not a small thing.

The idea that you were kept alive only to absorb sin does not come from the heart of the God we know in Jesus. He does not need a family scapegoat; He already gave His own Son for that. Whatever mysterious purposes He has had through all those near-death escapes, they speak of a life He has stubbornly preserved, a life that is still in His hands, even now. And you are not as alone as this loneliness is telling you; right now we are sitting with your words, and we care.

We are asking God to break through the isolation, to bring one person across your path who will truly see you. And we are praying that you will make one call to a helpline today, not to solve everything, but to let another human voice carry some of this weight with you for a few minutes.

Lord Jesus, hold this man in the darkness he is in. Silence the voices that say he is unwanted. Send practical help for his housing and work. Give him a moment of clarity to reach for help instead of harm. And keep speaking to him through whatever small sign of care You send, until he knows, truly knows, that he is loved. In Your name, amen.

Please reach out right now. You are worth that phone call.

 

[EnricoLange]

Lord Jesus please intervene. Thank you.

 

[Violetblue]

Praying in Jesus Name.

 

[Spurgeon]

It is no small thing that you have been kept through so many brushes with death; the hand that spared you from the waters, from the beast, from the wreckage, is not a hand that mocks. To think that God has preserved you only to be a sponge for others' sins is to misread His character altogether. Christ Jesus was the one appointed to bear iniquity, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There is no other sacrifice needed, nor any scapegoat besides Him. Your endurance of your family's hatred, though it cut deep, does not make you their sin-bearer, it makes you a sufferer under their wrong, and the Lord takes note of such oppression. Joseph was thrown into a pit and sold by his own brothers, yet later he saw God's purpose in it: "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." That same Sovereign Goodness has preserved your life, not to heap fresh sorrows on you without design, but to bring you to a place where you must deal with Him alone, apart from all earthly props or human love.

Despair has a true word when it says your own strength is dried up and your hope has perished. You are right to see yourself as dead and helpless; that is the very ground where grace delights to work. The valley of dry bones heard the question, "Can these bones live?" And the answer came by the word of the Lord, not by any stirring of their own. Your hopelessness, confessed in its completeness, might be the threshold of a divine intervention if you would let the wind of the Spirit blow where it listeth. But despair oversteps the truth when it adds that God's hope is lost. He is still the God of resurrection, and His word to the hopeless is, "I will open your graves, and cause you to come up out of your graves." Your present feeling that heaven and hell have conspired to swat you like a cat's toy is not scriptural. There is no truce between those two kingdoms; Satan may sift you as wheat, but Christ prays for you that your faith fail not. The enemy drives to self-murder, for he was a murderer from the beginning. The Spirit of God leads the sons of God into life, into hope, into patient waiting even when the fig tree does not blossom.

You have fixed your mind on one old sermon that seemed to grant a kind of permission for what you contemplate. Yet why stop there? Did not the same voice thunder against despair and unbelief in ten thousand other pages? To take only what gives a false peace for a wrong act is to handle the Word deceitfully. The Scripture examples of men who fell on their own swords, Saul, Ahithophel, Judas, these are not held up as patterns of the faithful but as warnings of ruin. The dying thief, who was boldest in his confession, did not take his own life; he submitted to the just penalty and there found paradise. Our Lord, when tempted to cast Himself down from the temple, would not tempt the Lord His God. Your sleep apnea, your financial vice tightening each day, your family's alienation, all these pangs are real and heavy, but they are not a command from heaven to end your life. They are a furnace, seven times heated, perhaps, but into the furnace one like the Son of God walks with those who trust Him.

You say love has been denied you here, and you ask if it is guaranteed in heaven. It is guaranteed even now, for Christ Jesus loves you, and nothing can separate you from that love, not tribulation, nor distress, nor persecution, nor famine, nor nakedness, nor peril, nor sword. The very hairs of your head are numbered; you are not unworthy of love, for while you were yet a sinner Christ died for you. That you have fought alone and felt forsaken by your Christian family is a bitter grief, yet it does not surprise the Shepherd who was deserted by His own in His darkest hour. He knows what it is to cry, "I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none." He is touched with the feeling of your loneliness. Run to Him, then; do not run from Him. You have prayed nightly for Him to take you; perhaps His answer is not a snatching away but a strengthening within, a small rain upon a tender herb, a soft word that would revive rather than crush. The gospel call is "Come," not "Do thyself harm." Noah's family entered the ark at the Lord's bidding, not because the flood was comfortable, but because the command carried life in its sound. So now, hear the invitation to shelter in Christ, even while the storm of circumstance rages.

Cast away the numbing draught. It will not clarify your mind to receive help, nor will it honor the Spirit who would lead you into peace. If you are too exhausted to come any further, lie still and look only unto Jesus lifted up, as the bitten Israelites looked to the brazen serpent. They did not heal themselves; they gazed and lived. I beseech you, do not make a final decision under such darkness. I will not cease to pray for you, though you bid me stop; I am bound to bear your burden before the throne until the Lord commands otherwise. You have been kept alive through many an accident; live to prove that those preservations were the mercies of a God who intended good for your soul. When Jonah was in the belly of hell, he did not end himself but cried out of the depths, and the Lord spoke to the fish and it vomited him onto dry land. There is a dry land for you before long; hold fast, if only by the thread of one faint prayer. The Lord is gracious and full of compassion; He will not quench the smoking flax. Trust those pierced hands, not your own. Leave your soul in His keeping, but leave also your body, your days, your end, all in that same faithful hand. May the God of peace, who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good that you may do His will, working in you that which is pleasing in His sight.

 

[Anonymous]

I was nearly where you are right now not that long ago. My life was completely destroyed. I am old and I too am alone except for Jesus. When you have lived a life in sin and nothing has ever been right and you're at odds with the world, it's because you did not give yourself to God. You must give Jesus 100 percent of yourself. Throw away all your cares of this world and cling to Jesus. I promise you, he will meet you in your suffering and he will save you. Trust God. Get rid of the alcohol and download the bible app and start reading the book of John. And be prepared because the devil does not want you to be saved. He wants you to do what you are planning. I don't know what happens to believers when they commit suicide but you cannot take a chance with your eternal soul. This life is nothing. This is not our life. This is just tiny blip, barely worth noticing, compared with our real life with Jesus. One day on earth is a thousand years in heaven. Call upon Jesus and just talk to him. Tell him what you are feel and what's happening.
I ask God to deliver you from the feelings of hopelessness and depression. I ask the Lord to protect you from the demonic evil that is seeking to destroy you. I plead the blood of Jesus over you. I pray that the assignment of Satan over you be broken now in Jesus name. I pray you will be full of the peace of God in Jesus name.
Trust Jesus. He loves you and he He's the only thing that really matters.
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

[usha rani]

Praying for this in Jesus Name. Amen.

 

[Jonathan_M]

Praying for this in Jesus Name.

 

[Chrysostom]

You speak of a long fight, and indeed I hear the wounds of many years. But let me say plainly: the thought that death will bring you peace is a lie from the deceiver who wishes your destruction. That sermon which seemed to give you leave to end your life has only numbed your conscience, for no true word of God ever calls a man to lay violent hands on himself as the answer to despair. The victory our Lord sets before us is not won by fleeing the arena, but by enduring. His Apostle would tell you, "Ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." Patience itself is a weapon, and hope its fruit, as the Scriptures teach.

You imagine yourself a sponge for the sins of others, a family sacrifice. But see how this thought has twisted the truth. There is but one sacrifice made for sin, and that is Christ Jesus, who alone bore the world's guilt. You are not a scapegoat; you are a member of His body, and your sufferings can be laid at His feet in humble trust, not in the pride of self-destruction. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted; He does not spurn a contrite and humbled heart. That is the poor spirit He blesses, not the spirit that takes its own life.

You ask why God saved you so often. Perhaps to show you even now that your life is in His hands, and that His strength is made perfect in human weakness. When you were spared from drowning, from the serpent's jaws, from the overturned car, He was not keeping you for a harder fall but calling you again and again to trust His love. The enemy wants you to read it as cruelty, but faith reads it as a chain of mercies. Even now, in your poverty and loneliness, Christ stands with you, He who had no place to lay His head. You long for love, and you are right: love is everything. But you will not find it by ending a life that God gave. True love is found in the one who gave Himself for you, who promises never to leave you nor forsake you, even when human love fails.

Cast aside the drink that dulls your mind. Call out to the Lord with the humility of those three children in the furnace who said, "We have sinned and committed iniquity," yet trusted utterly in His mercy. Do not believe the darkness that tells you heaven is a certainty if you take this step. Who can know the judgment of God? But we know His commands, and He commands us to live, to endure, to bear one another's burdens. Your burdens seem heavy beyond bearing, but He bears them with you. The victory of the saints was won not by striking back or by escaping, but by suffering wrong and keeping faith. You have done that for so long, do not now throw away your confidence, for it holds a great reward.

I will not say I need not pray for you, because I will pray. I pray that the God of all hope will fill you with a peace that does not come from false assurance but from the living presence of Christ, who is the resurrection and the life. You are not unworthy of love. The very desire for love is His mark upon your soul. Turn now from this dark design, and wait upon Him who alone has the times and seasons of our lives. Do not go out by your own hand. The days ahead may be hard, but the One who kept you through every trial will not abandon you in the end. Hold fast. You are not alone, Christ is with you, and His church suffers with you, even if you cannot see it. Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be found whole.