Leah B.
Servant of All
Was at dental specialist on Monday morning. Receptionist told me she would take care of pain management and neurologist referrals [delay in making appointment with neurologist is already over three weeks.] Was again instructed not to contact that neurologist. Well, I haven't heard anything on either referral in two days. Tried taking an increase in gabapentin [that is a lousy drug but not the really bad one I think the neurologist will prescribe] combined with another med yesterday to control the movement. I had been putting off the increase because I had so much work to do, and I was afraid to fall asleep. My fears were well founded. Within one hour, I got so sleepy, I could barely function. Dizzy too. Then at 9:00 p.m. as the meds were wearing off, I started to try to go to sleep. My jaw movement was so violent, I didn't actually fall asleep until 4:30 -- and that was really just a doze. [I also should mention I skipped my usual night meds last night because I had second thoughts about the med increase. Why? Because I don't know if they will skew a neurological exam or an EMG of my face or whatever. I do know you can't abruptly stop these meds so until I can actually talk to the neurologist, I don't want to up the dose. I did take my night dose tonight at seven. Now I'm praying it will slow down the movement at least a little, and I will just pass out from exhaustion.] But back to point -- The gabapentin increase yesterday did slow down the movement quite a bit, but at what cost? I got nothing done. Housework is piling up. I'm also in severe pain, jumping out of my skin. I made myself jog and do other exercises because I don't want to lose all the progress I made keeping my lung disease at bay. I wasn't up to doing anything else, and I had to split the jogging into three half-hour increments with a lot of time in between because jogging makes my jaw hurt so much. I'm afraid I'm going to miss my niece's 40th birthday party on Saturday. I missed church because of pain. I don't know if I would eventually get used to the drug increase and be able to stay awake. I am so sorry I ever listened to or trusted my doctors, especially VA. People think you can only get tardive dyskinesia from anti-psychotics, but that isn't true. I didn't. I just was put on too many drugs for too long of a time -- One of my docs believes a common antidepressant did this to me. Another one thinks it was benzodiazapams. I never even knew what benzos were and never even ASKED for those things. VA gave them to me and even increased the dosages without my asking! I was a person who went through a great deal of abuse and trauma. What I needed was talk therapy and maybe short term antidepressant use. Instead I was medicalized and turned into a professional patient. Now I'm supposed to go back and trust the same people who gave me irreversible neurological damage to begin with. How do you prescribe people heavy metal drugs and not warn them about serious, serious side-effects? And how could so many doctors I went to not have recognized the fact I was developing TD? At least a half a dozen doctors saw the facial movements and apparently didn't have a clue or didn't care. The fact is if I had been yanked off that antidepressant the minute I started complaining about my jaw, the TD likely would have reversed itself. And as for the benzos -- I can FEEL that they hurt my brain. Even without the jaw movements, I know my sleep cycle is destroyed. I just have a strong sense it was from benzodiazepam use. I actually don't believe I get any REM sleep ever. You know what? Everybody is so concerned about narcotics, it's to the point where people in severe, chronic pain --like me -- are basically being told to just go die. But when it comes to all other drugs that are also dangerous and actually even MORE addictive, they are over-prescribing and giving them out like candy. This is all fueled by where they think there is potential to get sued as opposed to where they think they will experience no repercussions and also by serious corruption within the pharmaceutical industry and the FDA. Also some--not saying all--of these doctors are greedy, self-serving and immoral. Anyway, enough of the whys-- I pray in Jesus's name to get pain management very soon and to get to see the neurologist. I pray for a miracle cure. I pray for competent and ethical doctors. I pray for justice. It's not so much that I believe I deserve to be compensated for what they did to me -- although definitely I do. It's that I know for a fact that the same individuals who were reckless and irresponsible with me are STILL doing it to other people. I actually KNOW another victim plus I have possible testimony from a social worker/therapist as to the unsavory goings-on in one of these places. In short, I want these bad actors to be STOPPED. Moreover, I truly believe if the will was there, the state Attorney General could nail one of these places for enterprise corruption under the Ricco statute. Yes, indeed! I do believe you could go after this medical establishment using a Mafia law. Anyway, you may think that's off the beaten track, but it's really one of my prayers. I want them to stop misdiagnosing patients on purpose in order to make a ton on money off them. That's exactly what they're doing. And then my final prayer-- Just to get a good night's sleep and be able to function tomorrow. May I not wake up in severe pain with my jaw. Let it be at least a semi-good day, God.