Psalm 139
Humble Prayer Warrior
Dear Prayer Partners,
I feel badly about writing to you sometimes because it always seems to be bad news. I was told by my church friends to keep a gratitude list and I have been, however there is still a lot going on that is against me right now. I have broken out in hives all over my face. Today I have very puffy eyes and cheeks and a fine red rash all over the lower half of my face. It also itches like crazy and all I want to do is claw my skin off. There is a lien on my condo put in place by the HOA Board for past due HOA fees. I owe ###.00. HOW am I supposed to pay this back? In addition to this I still have no job. My savings are all gone. I applied for food stamps and was approved for $###.00 a month. I do not qualify for Medicaid. I can barely make my mortgage payments. If it were not for my sister, I would have been in foreclosure by now. I have one more mortgage payment to make in order to be part of the reduced mortgage program. My sister just told me she cannot help me next month. I wish I knew what God is doing and why he is allowing this. It's hard to admit, but I am furious with Him and my fury grows more and more every day. I am sick and tired of praying and hoping. I am just tired of being in this situation. I am high risk for suicide and the dark thoughts are starting to come back again. I thought today about giving away all of my things now so that if I decide to kill myself, my sister will not have a lot to do. Everything is in my name so none of my debt would roll over to her. If I could do it in my sleep I'd have done it myself, but I am learning that killing oneself is not as easy as it sounds. The body will fight to stay alive. I want this to be painless and quick. I guess I am still asking for prayers because I am too sick to pray for myself anymore and when I think about God I just get exasperated. I feel that He is doing NOTHING for me that NOTHING is easy for me and I want to let go. I just wish I knew of a way to end my life that was easy and foolproof.
I feel badly about writing to you sometimes because it always seems to be bad news. I was told by my church friends to keep a gratitude list and I have been, however there is still a lot going on that is against me right now. I have broken out in hives all over my face. Today I have very puffy eyes and cheeks and a fine red rash all over the lower half of my face. It also itches like crazy and all I want to do is claw my skin off. There is a lien on my condo put in place by the HOA Board for past due HOA fees. I owe ###.00. HOW am I supposed to pay this back? In addition to this I still have no job. My savings are all gone. I applied for food stamps and was approved for $###.00 a month. I do not qualify for Medicaid. I can barely make my mortgage payments. If it were not for my sister, I would have been in foreclosure by now. I have one more mortgage payment to make in order to be part of the reduced mortgage program. My sister just told me she cannot help me next month. I wish I knew what God is doing and why he is allowing this. It's hard to admit, but I am furious with Him and my fury grows more and more every day. I am sick and tired of praying and hoping. I am just tired of being in this situation. I am high risk for suicide and the dark thoughts are starting to come back again. I thought today about giving away all of my things now so that if I decide to kill myself, my sister will not have a lot to do. Everything is in my name so none of my debt would roll over to her. If I could do it in my sleep I'd have done it myself, but I am learning that killing oneself is not as easy as it sounds. The body will fight to stay alive. I want this to be painless and quick. I guess I am still asking for prayers because I am too sick to pray for myself anymore and when I think about God I just get exasperated. I feel that He is doing NOTHING for me that NOTHING is easy for me and I want to let go. I just wish I knew of a way to end my life that was easy and foolproof.
