Anonymous
Beloved of All
I felt so lost and abandoned when God didn't show on my time, in the i want or in the way i wanted, i felt so disappointed. So i hid from him feeling vulnerable. But he has never once stopped reaching for my heart. i realized it's not that he left but i ran away. So now please pray for me to run back to him and rediscover his love, heart and purpose for me after being so far away from him in my hurt. Not by choice because my wounded heart didn't trust him or anyone enough to open up even to be healed. like a wounded kitten. Going through a such a struggle now trying to understand him all new without my trauma taught perception of a abusive father that i feel often resurface with God.(seeing him thorough fear.) I truly desire to see him without fear yet it feels impossible currently. I suffered and currently suffer so much in seeing the only one that could truly heal me God this way. As i keep misinterpreting words to look for confirmation that he's mad at me or that i've done some wrong, and things that invites anxiety and pain. I feel like i'm unable to feel at peace or rest without feeling guilty. As i'm in a hard season also. It feels as if all the good things are nonexistent and we'll never get out of here. But i know that's not how my God works no matter how i feel. i think i'm terribly emotionally exhausted. so i feel numb to everything spiritual and physical and it terrifies me because i'm scared something bad will happen, i'll fall or fail somehow and won't make it to the next season. and somehow i'll lose all God has promised. as i feel emotionally numb i find myself bit different than before. unable to encourage others or help others like before so i feel more guilty like i've failed God and also many things mainly it feels as if it all is my fault. Please pray for me i don't want to surrender to what i feel. Because i too think no matter how real my feelings feel currently, i think they're deceptive because they don't tell the truth of my God. please pray for me i know God will get me out of here yet my humanness trips me. I feel so tired physically and mentally please pray that the ever faithful God will give me strength to get through this. in Jesus name i pray., Amen.
